But would you throw your donut for me, be honest.

One of my randoms who I haven’t seen or responded to in five years hit me up late last night. Who does that??? Please just forget about me, just like you seem to have forgotten that you have a girlfriend and babies at home.

I’m so sick of these fucks.

Looks like I’ve locked down my birthday plans for 2014! Just kidding. The Golden Globes are also on that night.

Oh my Milo. Mob City has arrived.

My Epicurious Thanksgiving Feast pinterest board won first place and an All-Clad Stainless Roasting Set just in time for the holidays!

Now if only I could figure out how to roast a turkey…

Donuts help you realize what’s important in life.

Morgan Tookers is every guy I’ve ever been with.

I fear for Rick’s life.

My coworker brought in Randy’s Donuts this morning because she wants to ruin my life, obviously.

Bryan Cranston got my fan letter attracts the crazies.

Even though I just started watching Breaking Bad last month, I still feel like I’ve lost a friend. A brilliant, sociopathic, meth-cooking friend.

Same.

Just Adam Levine being the light of my life as usual.

My work is hosting its third weight loss challenge this year, and I’m joining for the third time! It ends the week before Thanksgiving… just in time to gain some holiday weight go shopping with my winnings 😉 I’ve also decided to go gluten-free during the contest! Yikes. Thank yeezus for gluten-free vodka! I’m gonna need it…

You should be watching Orange is the New Black, if only for sound advice from Yoga Jones. (She was the voice of Patti Mayonnaise if that helps sway your decision at all.)

Jesus Christ, Marie. It’s called twerking!

Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for reminding me why I canceled my cable. I regret nothing! Also, after binge-watching all five seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix over the past two weeks, I can now get back to my regularly scheduled life, yo!

I love that my new Apple TV allows me to stream episodes of Modern Family from my iPad mini to my HDTV while freeing up my macbook pro for some light internet stalking.

…or how I wake up my coworker when we have to work on a Saturday.

…or me watching the final episodes of The Office. I CAN’T EVEN.

OneRepublic – I Lived

Me, too, ‘Nard Dog.

It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could’ve been. Jim was five feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person, I’m really happy now. But it would just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself, ‘Be strong. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast! Because life just isn’t that long!’

All my favorite vampire couples are breaking up. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the love between immortals. Why even bother setting up an OKCupid profile???

Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t be mad if this happened on the regs.

tessism:

Oh, so that’s where you’ve been.

It’s like watching myself on TV.

LSP is my spirit animal. BUMPS ♥

All I want in life.

STEFAN: How does anyone ever seem to move on?
CAROLINE: I think that someday, you’ll meet someone new, and you’ll fall madly in love, and you’ll have moved on without even realizing it.

Same.

Girls = new obsession.

This show is depressingly relatable. Also, you can get this book on Amazon.
(Don’t ask me how I know.)

File under ‘reasons I can’t go out this weekend’.

You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies, and you’re calling it love. And in the meantime, you’re letting your whole life pass you by while they raise children, and celebrate anniversaries, and grow old together. You’re frozen in time. You’re holding your breath. You’re a statue waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Living for stolen moments… you keep telling yourself they all add up to something real, because in your mind they have to, but they don’t. They won’t. They never will, because stolen moments aren’t a life. So you have nothing. You have no one.

I regrettably opted for self-installation.

#thisiswhyimsingle

BRB dying.

9:30 in the morning might seem a bit early to chalk this day up as a loss, but I’m going to do it anyway. This does not bode well for my weekly weigh-in tomorrow.

The sound that came out of my mouth was not human.

At last, an MTV show I can get behind.

This makes me miss home.

OLIVIA: I wait for you. I watch for you. My whole life is you. I can’t breathe because I’m waiting for you. You own me, you control me, I belong to you…

FITZ: You own me! You control me. I belong to you. You think I don’t want to be a better man? You think that I don’t want to dedicate myself to my marriage? You don’t think I want to be honorable? To be the man you voted for? I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re the love of my life. My every feeling is controlled by the look on your face. I can’t breathe without you. I can’t sleep without you. I wait for you, I watch for you. I exist for you. If I could escape all of this and run away with you? There’s no Sally and Thomas here. You’re nobody’s victim, Liv. I belong to you. We’re in this together.

…

I stayed home from work for a couple of days this week… partly because I have the flu, but mostly because I wanted to catch up on Scandal!

I may be a little late to this party, but how awesome is this show???

The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping

Happy birthday to the oldest 32-year-old I know! Love you, Pammie ♥

…and I thought I was having a shitty week. Seriously, whose tooth is it, Michael???

I baked this chocolate babka over the weekend, and it tasted exactly like the chocolate strudel from Extraordinary Desserts! Even with my new stand mixer, food processor, and Pammie’s forearms, it took hours to make. I’m pretty sure time started moving backwards as I waited for this shit to rise (twice!). I literally pulled them out of the oven at 2am and was too tired to have my way with it till morning.

Here’s Martha Stewart’s recipe if you have two pounds of chocolate and five sticks of butter laying around. This recipe yields three loaves, so I think you should make some and share it with your neighbors. Especially if you live near me.

Apparently, by the time a woman hits 30, she loses about 90% of her eggs.

This may be the red devil in my belly speaking, but who wants to go halfsies on a baby two-pack of First Response fertility tests???