If you’re not binging Bridgerton, then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. Make haste, y’all!

💔

BRB binging in bed ✌🏼

Sick days are for Scandal marathons.

Bumble bio update: Must hate smoked BBQ beef ribs.

I just binge watched two seasons of Casual, and I can’t believe this lady is only supposed to be five years older than me.

In her defense, I get carded all the time. Also, some dude coaching youth track at the park during lunch last week asked me if I was in high school! Sir, if you’re trying to get me to join your track team, I’m in my thirties. And more importantly, I don’t run.

I’m pretty sure the victim in this episode stole my CD binder circa 2001.

We were watching TV at my mom’s house over the holiday, and right after they showed this part, my aunt paused it, turned to me with a concerned look on her face, and was all like, “You know you can talk to me, right???” I meannnn.

#1 How dare you?
#2 This explains so much.

Further evidence that Mindy and I were separated at birth.

Preach!

I caught up on seven episodes of How to Get Away with Murder with Pammie over the weekend. I’m dying to know what happens next, but I never watch this show by myself because I get too scared. I can’t wait till I’m home for Thanksgiving to find out who shot Annalise, so someone please come over when the new episode airs this Thursday!

Spoiler Alert: There will be frozen salmon from Costco (it’s the only thing I keep stocked in my fridge because holiday weight) and me with no pants on.

WARNING: This beer is cold af, you guys (@ Wood Handcrafted Pizza)

…or me on a juice cleanse.

I’m doing it partly in preparation for all the BBQ and bad decisions I’ll be making in Austin next week, but mostly because I bet Anthony that I could lose twenty pounds by the time we went to ACL or I’d pay for his BBQ at Franklin. These last five pounds can’t be zumba’d off in a week, so I made a game-time decision to bring my juicer out of retirement yesterday.

I can’t wait to go on vacation! And also eat solid food again.

…or me in exactly two months. Austin City Limits, here I come!

What else should I add to my ACL to-do list???

Same.

…or my belated attempt at getting that summer bods ready for Cabo.

10 more days!!!

amindofmadness:

In the venn diagram of men I’ve been involved with, these two qualities never overlap! :p

…or me when I get an email asking how I’m doing.

I either respond with 27 pages or I don’t respond at all. There is no in-between.

Also, my mom got me hooked on Mistresses, and Joss is my spirit animal, obviously.

If you don’t belong, don’t be long (@ Hollywood Blvd & La Brea Ave)

I like my coffee with a side of reassurance (@ Dinosaur Coffee)

I have a growing queue of things I know will make you laugh, and I don’t know where to put them.

When the conversation is getting shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

Accurate.

…then I googled you (@ Culver City Art District)

I usually enjoy being on my back, but this is getting ridic.

I’ve been living off muscle relaxers, pain killers and salon pas for the past three weeks. The cause is still unknown, but I’m pretty sure I went too hard at the Paul McCartney show! Ha.

I’ve been stressed out at work lately, and the doctor thinks I might be carrying the stress in my back. If only he could write me a doctor’s note forbidding me to work overtime. It’s the least he can do, since he won’t prescribe me more vicodin!

LA opened its first Dunkin Donuts today, so I’m halfway there, you guys!

I obviously went too hard this past weekend. Somebody soup me.

If a man ever laid a finger on me like that, HE WOULD BE DEAD.

The realest thing I’ve ever read.

The power went out in my apartment building again last week! I was already running late, and I had to go back upstairs in the dark to tell the maintenance guy to manually open the garage gate so I could get to fucking work already. This has happened three times in less than two months! And these are only the incidents that I know of, because I spend less than 50% of my time in this apartment (unless a burglar is reading this, in which case I’m home all the time. Plus I always keep my sharpest pair of fabric scissors within reach. And I’m not afraid to cut you.)

Once I get my new car situation settled, I’m moving out of this overpriced shit hole and torching it on yelp!

I may or may not have binge-watched the entire new season of Orange is the New Black this past weekend.

…or when your plans get canceled because the power went out in your apartment building, and your car is stuck in the sub garage. Again.

Same.

tylerknott:

afadthatlastsforever:

There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favorite.

merelyamadness:

Danny, you know my plan in an emergency is just to count to ten and wait for death’s embrace.

Further evidence that The Mindy Project is actually about my life!

Tove Lo – Habits (Hippie Sabotage Remix)

Can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
You’re gone and I’ve got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind