Julian Casablancas – Glass
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/julian casablancas – glass.mp3]

I don’t believe it
I won’t believe it
I’m not sad
I understand
That’s how it goes

I’m in love with the Strokes, but I’m not really into Julian Casablancas’ solo album. I do love this one song, however. I’d love it more if he sang it acoustic. In my bedroom. With no pants on.

I’m not sure how I got swindled into baking brownie bites with peanut butter frosting for the Cinco de Mayo potluck at my work when a) I don’t even eat anything at the potlucks because I Lean Cuisine it during the week and b) what the hell do brownies with peanut butter frosting have to do with Cinco de Mayo? Someone scribbled “Marion’s brownies” on the sign-up sheet underneath the guacamole and tortilla chips. Freak ass freaks. You bring something good once, and people just won’t let you forget about it.

Today, I’m excited because:

1. I just bought tickets to the Neon Trees/30 Seconds to Mars show in LA.
2. I weighed myself after a few months of dieting/exercising/losing my will to live for Chel‘s wedding, and I’ve lost 25 pounds.
3. Shawn the stripper has been confirmed for Chel’s bachelorette/passion party.

I don’t think I have to tell you which one I’m most excited about… Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been looking for an excuse to bring Shawn back into my life since 2005 😉

Neon Trees – Sins of My Youth

Call me crazy, I was born to make a mess
Would you love me still if I were to confess
That I had a little too much fun back when I was young
I’ve got these habits that I cannot break
And as I’m older there is more at stake
Go ahead and call me fake, but these are the sins
The sins of my youth

The girls and I stumbled by Station Tavern and Burgers when we were down the street getting our Booty Bassment on at Whistle Stop a couple months ago. The restaurant is beautifully designed, and they’ve got these gorgeous lights hanging in their outdoor patio, so we said we’d come back to eat there sometime. We had dinner there last night, and it changed my life! My burger was amazing, and I wanted its pillowy challah bun to have my babies. Hodad’s still has the best burger I’ve ever had, but Station Tavern is a very close second. If the bacon at Hodad’s joined forces with Station Tavern’s challah buns, its level of deliciousness would be illegal in some small countries. Their garlic fries were pretty outstanding, too. And it was cheap! The four of us spent $50—burgers, sides and beers included. It’s in South Park, so it’s family-friendly. Everyone was there with their babies and/or their dogs. Well, everyone except for us. #1: I don’t have a baby. And #2: I left Rocky’s funky butt at home where he belongs. We stayed there bitching about ex loves reminiscing till they closed at midnight. And as if we didn’t have enough meat on Saturday, we hit up Phil’s BBQ today for some more meaty goodness. I think I might have been overcompensating.

I’ve got wallowing down to a science… I spent the better half of 2006 perfecting it, after all. I’m not gonna lie, my usual method of getting over someone is by getting under someone else. But I’m realizing that happiness is an inside job. I can’t sit here waiting for another guy to come along to stop wallowing about the last one. One day, you just have to decide not to be sad anymore. And that day was today. Well, actually it was Friday, but killing a few bottles of wine with Anthony foiled that plan. And then I decided it was yesterday. But while getting drinks with friends, one of the employees came up to our table and asked if any of us were he who shall not be named, because he who shall not be named had a phone call. Coincidence or cruel joke? As I walked out wondering if it was a sign, I looked up to the sky, dramatically shook my fist at the heavens, and almost got hit by a car. And so I decided that today would be the day (again). It’s barely noon, but I’m feeling optimistic. I mean, I’m going to Phil’s for lunch… If a beefy rib tickler isn’t guaranteed happiness, I don’t know what is.

Phoenix – Lisztomania
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/phoenix – lisztomania.mp3]

Let’s go slowly, discouraged
We’ll burn the pictures instead
When it’s all over we can barely discuss
For one minute only, not with the fortunate only
Thought it could have been something else

This song always puts me in a good mood 🙂

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

It’s a lot easier to be lost than found. It’s the reason we’re always searching and rarely discovered—so many locks, not enough keys.

Since the first day you reached out to me, I kept searching for hints of the relationship you kept from me. I couldn’t see it in the description of your morning routine or your weekend recaps, but I could feel it in your absent admission to the contrary. I planned to keep quiet and let this fade out, as I do with everything else I feel isn’t worth fighting for. But this was you. And to me, you have always been worth it. So I finally got up the nerve to say,

Are you seeing anyone?

I knew the answer before I even asked the question. I should have asked you this in the beginning, but I convinced myself that you wouldn’t hide something like that from me. Except you did. And while you justified it by not doing anything more than correspond back and forth, the line was already crossed when you first contacted me, and you’ve been on the other side of it ever since.

At least I know that you didn’t just dismiss me as some reckless fling you had when we were younger. I can’t be mad at you for wanting to talk to me, but what was the point of this, other than resurrecting all these memories I haven’t thought about in years? It’s like you just came back to remind me that you still can’t do this. Even if you didn’t know what you were looking to get out of this in the beginning, you made the choice not to tell me about her for months. What did you want from me?

You and I will always have some unfinished business, but eventually, it’ll be as it was. You’ll forget about me. I’ll forget about you.

You’ve been out of my life for years, but somehow your absence is more tangible now than it ever was. How can I miss something I never had?

Well, I’d say I’ve successfully fulfilled my nostalgia quota for the week year.

This trip down memory lane ended at my old friend/ex-love’s 30th birthday party last night. It’s strange to see someone you’ve spent so much of your life with and feel nothing… And to think of someone else you didn’t spend nearly enough time with and feel everything.

She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps. Or maybe a quiet, heartfelt conversation into the wee hours of the night. Or perhaps something as simple as not being second.

(image via thewordsalloverme)

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

(image via the beholder)

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me
‘Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me

Yesterday, there was an unexpected venti iced sugar-free vanilla soy latte waiting for me at my desk when I got to work in the morning. Christine treated me out to pizza and beer at Pizza Port for dinner. And then I ended the night at an amazing $10 Temper Trap show with my girls.

Today was nothing like yesterday.

(image via thresca)

I don’t care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you’re with me
But crash and crave you when you leave

I really hate myself for liking this song.

Sold out Temper Trap show at the Belly Up tonight! Can’t wait to hear them live.

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh, reckless abandon
Like no one’s watching you

I had brunch with the girls at Cafe 21 this morning. You know I’m never up this early on a Sunday unless there’s food involved.

Shi’s almond-chocolate butter stuffed french toast:

Pammie’s salmon benedict:

My strawberries and cream french toast:

Def will come back for more once I’m out of this food coma.

500 Days of Summer at Cinema Under the Stars tonight. Can”t wait ♥

Weezer – (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/weezer-iwantyouto.mp3]

If you’re wondering if I want you to
I want you to
So make a move
‘Cause I ain’t got all night

Slowly but Shirley via email:

Hi love… I saw this pic and thought of you. Since you were all about those upside down animals in your blog. And this dog TOTALLY reminded me of you. I mean… how many times have I seen you in this position anyway? In your short shorts that might as well be underwear!? Hahhaha =)

#1 How dare you? Shorts, by definition, are short! It’s in the name.
#2 I’m totally in this position right now as I type this in my underwear.

This really did cheer me up today 🙂 Thanks, babeway ♥

I just received an invitation to my ex‘s dirty 30th. It has been years since I’ve seen him and even longer since we’ve dated. It seems like only yesterday I designed the flyer for his 21st birthday. Haha. This should be interesting.

(image via luftschloss)

Nasty wake up call this morning (and not the good kind, either). It was way too early on a Sunday for all that bitching. I would love to just take a drive along the coast and listen to my summer playlist, but it’s cloudy outside, barely sixty degrees, and oh yeah, my driver’s license is still suspended. Boo whore.

Anyway, on with the playlist:

1. The Kooks – She Moves In Her Own Way
2. Vampire Weekend – Campus
3. Phoenix – 1901
4. Franz Ferdinand – No You Girls
5. Weezer – (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
6. Neon Trees – Animal
7. The Strokes – You Only Live Once
8. Cake – Let Me Go
9. Modest Mouse – Float On
10. Arctic Monkeys – I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor
11. Kings of Leon – Four Kicks
12. Phantom Planet – Big Brat
13. Hot Hot Heat – Goodnight Goodnight

Listen to the full playlist here.

Lil Wayne + The Office
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/officemusik.mp3]

Count Choculitis?
Why did you write that down, Jim?
Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

In the process of renewing my car insurance earlier this week, I found out that my license has been suspended for the past seven months! Yowza. Some asshole CHP pulled me over on the freeway during morning traffic in the pouring rain just for having tinted windows last year, and I forgot about the $10 fix-it ticket, of course. Now that I’ve paid 48x the original ticket price (yikes!), I still need to be able to drive to work and back while I wait a week for them to reinstate my license. I’d like to avoid getting a misdemeanor and having my car impounded, so I’ve been driving with my still-tinted windows rolled down while my windblown hair grows ten times bigger by the time I reach my destination. As if having tinted windows is the only reason I’d get pulled over… Never mind that I’m on my phone tweeting pictures of my dog while I’m driving.

BEYOND / BEYOND:

So, we saw this, threw in the design towel, found a quiet dark corner, cried & ate chocolate. Three syllable word A-MA-ZING. These lovelies come from Mayan Rocks who we found via Hifiweddings.com.

Thanks for the feature and the sweet email 🙂

I googled “happy birthday alicia” and these are the images that came up! Haha. Happy 29th birthday to my favorite Mexican. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you today, but I hope these googled cakes will suffice until we meet again (soon, I hope). Love you mucho, cabrona ♥

After a particularly shitty afternoon, these upside down animals really turn my day around. Seriously, what has my life come to? Off to the gym to de-stress.

(image via overflowing)

(image via milkteef)

Ian Somerhalder needs to have my babies already.

I always thought I inherited my winning personality from my crazy mom, but now I’m not so sure.

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

Another feature! Thanks, Ashley! I designed the invitations, but the bride-to-be designed the candy bags, slam books and RSVPs 🙂

Oh So Beautiful Paper featured the wedding invitations I designed for Chel on their website. No big deal 😉 I couldn’t be happier if they were invitations to my own wedding! Actually, let’s not get carried away now…

Raechel and Alex’s DIY wedding invitations are all about two of my favorite things – music and kraft paper! Raechel worked with her cousin Marion to design the invitations, incorporating Raechel and Alex’s shared love of music throughout the wedding stationery while using a typewriter font and copper brads for a slight vintage vibe:

Check out the rest of the feature here and additional work in my portfolio.

Oh, oh, I want some more
Oh, oh, what are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Happy 25th birthday to my dear friend, Trace. No matter how long it has been since we’ve seen each other, we always pick up right where we left off ♥

I’m all about criminal dramas—CSI, Law & Order, Cold Case, Without a Trace, The Closer, and my personal favorite, Criminal Minds. I find it comforting that murders are always solved within an hour (commercial breaks included), even though I know firsthand that this almost never happens in real life. Like Chel, this isn’t something I usually talk about… I was only thirteen when it happened. Fifteen years later, the day my family has been waiting for has finally arrived.

I woke up at an ungodly hour this morning to attend boot camp with the girls downtown at Embarcadero Marina Park. We had a beautiful view of the marina, but I was too distracted by the sweat dripping into my eyes and the blinding pain in my legs from warming up on the stairs of the convention center. I’m definitely gonna be hurting tomorrow.

I officially have 90 days till Chel’s wedding. One dress size down, two more to go…

Do you guys want to know how to make these sit ups easier?
LOSE SOME WEIGHT!

Way harsh, Tai.

Today felt like summer, so I wore a dress. It’s kind of a big deal, considering my mid-winter legs hadn’t felt a razor since mid-February. This heat wave isn’t supposed to last, so tomorrow’s outfit will be business as usual… I’m really getting a lot of mileage out of those yoga pants.

If this 90° weather wasn’t enough of a tease, I have the perfect song to put you in the mood for summer:

Nujabes – “Arurian Dance”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/nujabes-aruariandance.mp3]

Doesn’t it make you want to swim naked in the ocean?

Yeah, me neither.

(image via dazeddigital)

Chel asked me a burning question I’m sure you’ve all been losing sleep over…

Am I going to have a +1 at her wedding???

I’ve spent the past couple of days mulling over this question. I thought about it while we waited in line for Alice in Wonderland, and Chel asked everyone except me who was the funnier one in their current relationships (you don’t need to ask me who was funnier in all my past relationships—I’m clearly a riot). The four of us have been attached at the nip for as long as I can remember, and I have always been the single one out. Sure, a couple of them have been single while I was single (and for a very brief moment we all were single), but I’m the only one who is ever single alone. I thought about it again when I went to dinner with my sister earlier tonight, and we ran into two of her ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. I realized that all of them were engaged—her ex-boyfriend and all of his ex’s, my sister included.

I’m almost certain that my status will remain unchanged three months from now. That’s not me being pessimistic; I’m actually quite the opposite. I think I see the good in people too often, thinking that they’re worth more than they really are… even though they continue to disprove me repeatedly. It doesn’t help that today marks a full week since Il Postino did me dirty again (and not in a good way), and as predicted, no apologies have been offered.

And so I told Chel that I won’t be needing a +1. She already has 300 guests. I don’t want her spending another $50 on dinner for this tentative +1 of mine. Alas, I will be the only one out of five bridesmaids and two maids of honor without a date. And if you’re reading this thinking, “Damn, I really wanted to be your +1…” then maybe you should stop stalking me on the internet and make movements instead—yes, I’m talking to you, Anthony!

I had a craftastic evening with the bride-to-be and her bevy of bridesmaids. I finished the wedding invitations while the girls worked on the centerpieces. Check us out—designing invitations, hot gluing sticks together (or in Shi’s case, her hair), living in a personal hell I call diet and exercise in order to fit into our dresses… Being a bridesmaid is serious work! It’s a good thing I love this broad.

What an awesome movie to have my first IMAX 3D experience in! Loved, loved, loved it ♥

The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice: I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

The design geek inside of me is lusting after these Helvetica Cookie Cutters. My love for typography has joined forces with my love for baking! It couldn’t be more perfect than Helvetica itself.

Now who do I have to bone to combine my love for carbs with my love for not exercising?

He’ll never learn, cabrona. But then again, neither will you…

(image via sberon)

SpongeBob: What do you usually do when I’m gone?
Patrick: Wait for you to come back.

(image via sanahasflickr.)

I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I’ll always think of him fondly. As an asshole.

I waited for you in the rain last night, and the only thing I wanted to do more than turn around and go home was see you. I don’t know what makes me more sad—the fact that you haven’t apologized, or knowing that you wouldn’t.

Thanks to Anthony for hosting dinner last night and sharing this hilarious monologue with us (four different times). The chicken enchiladas parmesan was interesting, but I enjoyed the wine and company!

Run Into Flowers:

Just received the final version of the cover of my wedding invitations. Thanks so much to the talented Mayan for designing the whole thing!! 143!

I tried to capture Chel’s vintage style while incorporating everything she wanted—layers of sheet music, lace, typewriter font, and her wedding colors, pink and brown. The invitations will be printed on cream linen cardstock. I can’t wait to see how they turn out 🙂

Did I mention how much I love the Winter Olympics???

WANT.

For some people, love doesn’t exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people.

Another 3am text message from Il Postino this weekend. It’s always back and forth with us. He drunk messages me one weekend. I do it the next. He does it again, but this time he’s just trying to be funny—”trying” being the operative word here. I know he’s mocking my drunken text from the weekend before, so I tell him he’s lucky I’m awake at that unholy hour. And then I remember that I purposely ignored his messages on Valentine’s Day, so he thinks things are okay between us now that I’ve broken my silence. Every time I get off this carousel, I just get back on again, spinning around and around knowing this ride always makes me sick.

I was really dreading this past weekend, but it actually wasn’t half bad 🙂 On Friday, Shi, Ella, Sha and I did what any other masochistic group of single girls would do on Valentine’s Day weekend—we watched Dear John (aka Sobfest 2010). Christine gave it half a thumb, but I actually liked it! I cried throughout the entire movie. It definitely didn’t touch The Notebook, but I’d recommend at least renting it when it’s released (if only to see Channing Tatum running around half naked).

I drowned my sorrows at The Local with the girls and Antonio Saturday night. Fifty dollars, six cranberry vodkas, two slices of New York pizza, and one drunken text to the ex later (yikes), I called it a night at four in the morning.

I woke up on Sunday with a hangover and a text back from Il Postino. I didn’t get back to him—he drunk messaged me three times the weekend before, so I thought I didn’t have to explain myself. The girls all texted me to make sure that I wasn’t going to throw myself off a bridge before spending the day with their significant others, and I even got a V-Day greeting from the Cake Boss (which I also ignored). Shi invited me to brunch, but I felt too sick to eat anything at that ungodly hour. I spent the majority of my day designing Chel’s wedding invitation while watching Lifetime’s Lovers Lane Movie Marathon (don’t judge me). Sitting through all 120 minutes of Flirting with Forty was worth discovering Robert Buckley. Hot damn. I don’t usually like blondes, but I’ll make an exception for this one.

Il Postino texted me after midnight—and after he had gotten home from his Valentine’s date, I’m sure—saying thanks for (not) returning the drunken text and he hoped I had a great Valentine’s Day. Number one… how dare you? And number two… don’t call me past 11pm. It was late, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to respond, so I didn’t. I like how we only talk to each other when we’re intoxicated and/or at an indecent hour. Don’t make me that girl that you only call after midnight—especially not on Valentine’s Day. And especially not when I used to be that girl you’d take roller skating on a random Tuesday before the street lights came on.

I would just like to be involved with someone who values me enough to call me at a respectable hour… someone who would maybe take me to Birch Aquarium to look at moon jellies, grab some dinner afterwards (nothing fancy), and maybe share a Churros Con Chocolate cupcake from Cups. Or even a churro from Costco would be fine by me. You know, I don’t ask for much (and I also don’t get much, either… go figure).

On Monday, Chel, Shi and I had a three hour sesh at Tap Ex. We always find time for each other. These girls are my heart. They make me realize that I’m better off without these jerkoffs I keep involving myself with. And they completely understand when I blow them off to watch meteor showers with the same jerkoffs ♥

Chel surprised me at work with these homemade strawberry nutella cupcakes. Sweet, huh? 🙂 Thanks for making my day, babe ♥

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

(image via someecards)

I came home from the gym this morning to this chocolate covered strawberry bouquet sent from my sister and her fiancé. I smell sabotage… sweet, sweet sabotage. I didn’t work out every day this week and pull three two-a-days to indulge in dessert—I did it so I could drink my sorrows away tonight with my single friends. My sister is so thoughtful, though 🙂 She knows how much I hate this godforsaken holiday.

A food analogy if you will, it’s like a redneck preferring a sloppy joe to a fine cut of filet mignon—he’s too uncouth to appreciate you.

And it wears me out
It wears me out

(image via vivatregina)

Working with people who get my pop culture references is the only thing that helps me keep my sanity—especially on days like this when I have to finish four newsletters and three homepage banners in one week because this Monday is a holiday, and deadlines don’t care about your scheduled days off (even if they’re unpaid).

I’ve been on this crazy diet and exercise regimen for the past few weeks in preparation for Chel’s wedding. I just don’t want to be scrambling to lose three dress sizes in May to fit into my bridesmaid dress. Its pleated waistline promises to hide any indiscretions (like that wing-eating contest you entered the night before or that Mexican you didn’t know was hiding in your uterus), but I thought I’d be on the safe side and pull some two-a-days at the gym. I took kickboxing and salsa dancing today. My kickboxing instructor kept yelling, “Throw those punches! Squeeze those glutes! You gotta look good for your man on Valentine’s Day!” And I’m thinking, the only man who’s gonna see me naked on Valentine’s Day is my masseur at Chiropractique! Boo whore. At least someone’s hands will be on me that day…

I’ve had a rough day week month… Please be kind to me, 2010. I don’t think I can take 325 more days like this.

Happy birthday to my heart twin, Shi. I love you like I love walking around in my chones. And when you come over, I love you enough to put on some pants.

(image via flickflickflicker)

Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be complete without torturing yourself with bad romance movies.

Pammie, Chel, Shi, Anthony and I (the Choadorios!) hit up Pho Cali and Cups for Shi’s birthday. No matter where we are, we always end up being that table—the loudest one in the restaurant. Sorry if we’re just having more fun than you… Vietnamese noodles and cupcakes aren’t exactly fine dining, so learn to love our obnoxious infectious laughter and keep cool, my babies. My stomach hurts from all that laughing. Or maybe it was from those two cupcakes I ate. Or the breakfast burrito I had earlier… Get off me.

Someone I used to know emailed me out of the blue last week. We were just teenagers when we knew each other. He was a part of my past that I thought would never come back—sort of like the tongue ring I used to have when I knew him. And the brown chola lip liner I used to wear. Yet there was his name in lowercase letters waiting for me in my inbox. He said that he looked me up online and stumbled upon my blog. I cyberstalk google random people all the time, but I don’t think I’ve ever contacted anyone I don’t talk to anymore. I’m really horrible at keeping in touch. Before I know it, days, months, and years go by. Like January 2010, for example. I’m still in denial it ever happened. How is it February already??? Sometimes I feel like it’s too late to say anything… I’m glad people think otherwise, though. It was really nice to hear from him (and only a little bit creepy).

I was curious about what other details of my life surfaced when he looked me up online, so I googled myself. I’m quite the social networking butterfly—my Facebook, Myspace and Twitter accounts came up first. I can only handle one social network at a time, so I haven’t touched my Myspace since I joined Facebook, and my tweets are few and far between (to the dismay of @idntfd—he thinks my life is far more interesting than it really is). Nothing too embarrassing or too personal came up, though… unless you count my old Xanga page—complete with a rotating icon of me, my ex, and my aforementioned tongue ring. Yikes.

I woke up to three messages on my phone from Il Postino at two in the morning. Nothing good ever happens at that hour.

(image via thewordsalloverme)

I think I may have found a date for Valentine’s Day. So what if my “date” is a married man with three kids and two dogs? And who cares if by “Valentine’s Day” I really meant Chinese New Year (which just happens to fall on the same day)? Whatever.

Sam the Cooking Guy is having this contest where the prize is to have dim sum with him (plus a friend and four other couples) at Emerald that day. All you have to do to be eligible is translate this Mandarin phrase posted in his newsletter. My grandpa was Chinese, but the only Mandarin words I know are the ones you can find inside P.F. Chang’s menu. I asked every Chinese person I knew to translate this phrase for me—my co-worker’s friend in Arizona, one of my sister’s co-workers in her auditing department, my ex-boyfriend’s sister’s fiancé… They all agreed on the same translation, so I’ve submitted my entry. Wish me luck! If I don’t win, I’ll be forced to hit the bars and make some bad decisions…

I just downloaded Sade’s new album, Soldier of Love. I’m not sure which iTunes playlist to file it under—Baby Makin’ Music or Sad Times? Conundrum!

By Your Side is still my all-time favorite Sade song. I’ve known it was going to be my wedding song since the first time I heard it in 2000. Ten years later, I’m still not married I haven’t changed my mind.

When you’re on the outside baby and you can’t get in
I will show you you’re so much better than you know
When you’re lost and you’re alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home

I’m not gonna lie—my vagina is pretty excited.

Pammie, Shi, Anthony and I went to Chel’s house last night to help her with wedding stuff. Chel asked me to design her wedding invitations, and I couldn’t be more honored 🙂 She has 300 guests and is trying to keep the wedding costs down. It’s a good thing I work for lychee sake and tator tots.

The Cake Boss asked me to go out to some bar my friends were spinning at, McLovin’ texted me at an unholy hour, and I even had a brief exchange with Il Postino last night. When it rains, it pours I guess. There’s no where in the world I’d rather be than with these crazy bitches, though. God forbid I miss conversations like this…

Anthony: I was texting Chel about your website, and she got really annoyed because I kept calling it your “page”…
Chel: It’s called a blog. Stop calling it that.
Anthony: Whatever, I’ll call it her pagina if I want to.
Chel: Oh, is that what you were calling it? Page in spanish? All this time I thought you were texting me pagina. Like vagina with a p!

Le’sigh… Never a dull moment 🙂

(image via ffffound)

After a week of kickboxing, salsa dancing, and sweating my ass off (literally) everyday after work, I treated myself out to dinner at Banbu Sushi with the BFF and Ray. The wait was an hour long and the parking lot was ridiculously tiny, so I had to park down the street. Maybe I should have made reservations. And not worn high heels. I may be biased from eating nothing but Lean Cuisines all week, but the food was so, so good! I can’t believe I lived up the street from this place all last year and never tried it. It was San Diego Restaurant Week, so we got three courses for just $20. All of the specials came with edamame and your choice of soup or salad. We all chose onion soup, since none of us were planning on making out after dinner. For the appetizer, Ray and I got the Banbu Bites—shiitaki mushrooms stuffed with crab, spicy sesame ahi, and surrounded by tempura (pictured above). I can’t even explain how delicious they were. By far, the best thing I ate last night. Alicia got the Calamari Salad, which was deep fried calamari on top of baby greens and seaweed. It was good, but def not as good as our Banbu Bites! They were really busy last night, but Ray had already finished his beer before they brought out my Strawberry Mojito that I had to remind them about. The service wasn’t that great, but the food made up for it. She brought out mine and Ray’s main courses next. I got the Tangerine Shrimp with Sweet Chili Sauce and Ray got the Short Rib Ramen. Ray and I kept making these orgasmic sounds that you only make when you’re eating something really good! Haha. I wasn’t expecting such large portions, but it was a good amount of food. We were halfway done with our main courses before they brought out Alicia’s food, and all she ordered was the 10-Piece Sushi Combo. I’m not sure what took so long, since they didn’t even have to cook it! I think the waitress kept forgetting about us. The sushi was slathered in some wasabi/horseradish sauce and Alicia’s mouth was on fire. I’ve never been to a place where the sushi came with wasabi already inside of it, but Alicia ate what she could. They brought out dessert next. Ray got the Chocolate Lava Cake with Vanilla Gelato. The cake was too rich for me, but the gelato was good. Alicia chose the Mochi Ice Cream in red bean, green tea and vanilla. I didn’t try it, but I’ve had mochi before and I love it. She said the red bean was the best flavor. I got the Mango Crème Brulée with Tropical Compote. Other than forgetting to brûlez the crème, that part of the dessert was really good. I didn’t like the compote because there was ginger in it. Yuck. I hate ginger. But I love gingerbread cookies. And ginger ale. Is that weird? Anyway, I ended up paying $40 with tax, tip and mojito. So much for spending $20! The courses I picked were definitely worth it, though. I would go back just for the Banbu Bites alone.

Jesse: You’re such a dork
mayanrocks: says the guy with the cheese wax pyramid on his desk!
Jesse: Hey, that’s artistry you philistine!
Jesse: I need to buy more yellow Babybels to accent the sides
mayanrocks: …
Jesse: God, I’m such a dork

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

My very first diaper cake!

The Cake Boss said that he pictures me living in South Park. Apparently, it’s where hipsters go to get married and have dogs. So what he’s saying is… he thinks I’m hip, he wants to marry me, and possibly raise an English bulldog together. Did anyone else get that???

This is only my second time apartment-hunting. Last year, Pammie told me, “Whatever you do, don’t sign anything.” And what did I do? First apartment I saw, I signed a lease. It was like that one time she said, “Whatever you do, don’t close the garage.” And what did I do? I walked straight to the garage, hit the garage door opener, and closed the garage on her car. It’s like I heard everything but the “don’t” part. Anyway, I was locked into a year lease with a beautiful apartment that cost entirely too much money. I knew people renting 2-bedrooms for cheaper than what I was paying for my single. There were times when I would make spaghetti and eat it for five days straight—I’m exaggerating zero percent. It was like I was in Café World and I had whipped up too many servings, except there were no café points earned from eating all that spaghetti—just carbs. I’m on Craiglist everyday, and I’ve learned that listings with the words “charming,” “section 8 approved,” and/or “drive by first and then call” are generally no bueno. Finding a nice, cheap apartment in SD is hard these days. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m partial to granite countertops, crown moulding, stainless steel appliances and hardwood floors. Hey, I can’t help it if my modern espresso furniture refuses to coexist with wall-to-wall carpeting.

Okay so my friend just totally had a baby. She didn’t even know she was pregnant! She had back pain and went to the ER, and they told her that there was a baby inside her causing all that pain! WTF? There’s an entire show dedicated to this sort of thing on the Discovery Channel. It’s like one of those things that you think will never happen to you or anyone you know. I feel like I would just know if I was pregnant. Like how do you not know? Wouldn’t you feel it? Except this one time, I was lounging around our hotel room in Vegas, and I didn’t notice that my right boob had fallen out of my dress when I got up to get more wine. It was like a scene out of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, sans the speed dating. I was walking around and Marisa was like, “Your boob! Your boooob!” You’d think that I’d notice with the breeze and everything, but I didn’t. Hmm… Maybe I should get my babymaker checked to make sure there’s no Mexican hiding in there.

Six years have passed, but you are not forgotten ♥

I know I have you guys, but—and really, I hate myself a little for saying this—but it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No goddamn soul mate. And I don’t even know if I believe in soul mates.

Up until four years ago, I had a boyfriend to wish me happy birthday every year for nearly a decade. I’ve had dates, relationships and what have you over the past few years, but no amount of smizing, hair flips or threats could make them stick around for my birthday. Maybe it’s those crazy wish lists I come up with, I don’t know. I hate how I let this one thing I don’t have affect all the things I do have. I’m so lucky to have such great friends and relatives. I received over fifty birthday greetings via text, Facebook and phone. But the truth is, everything could be going great in my life and none of it would matter if I didn’t have anyone to share it with.

This year was no different. Il Postino knew it was my birthday. He knew. He asked his sister where she was taking me for dinner that morning. I wish she wouldn’t mention me at all around him. I’m almost certain that if we didn’t have her to keep us connected, we would’ve let each other go a long time ago. I never ask for anything. All I wanted was to be acknowledged. He couldn’t even bring himself to—at the very least—leave me a Facebook message wishing me a happy birthday in the most informal way he possibly could. His complete disregard for me stings more than the leopard print body pillow his mom gave me for Christmas.

But in spite of all that, I saw him again last night. I didn’t bring up my birthday. I didn’t bring up the fact that we haven’t spoken since the meteor shower. Disappointment is an emotion I’ve gotten used to wearing around him. He never apologizes for anything, with the exception of that one time last summer—and even that felt like it was court-ordered. I live for these sort of movie moments. That’s all I have with him. Just moments. It’s the reason why I never argue with him. Because no matter how bad it gets, I always come back. So why ruin the moment? When I see him, it’s understood that we revert to the way things used to be between us… when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt, if only for one night. Or maybe I’ve misunderstood all along. Maybe these moments have been meaningless from the start.

I’ve realized that nothing will ever make him sure of me—not the fact that his family adores me, not the familiarity of my lips or the way my hand always fits perfectly in his, not the SpongeBob DVDs I gave him for Christmas that he didn’t bother to acknowledge just like my birthday, and especially not the fact that for reasons I can’t explain, I’ve always been so sure of him.

Thanks to everyone for a memorable birthday! I just wanted to keep it simple with no frills… I don’t need to celebrate my growing spinster status! Pammie, Shi and Chel treated me to Extraordinary Desserts last weekend. We tried the Chocolate Strudel, Lemon Bar, Strawberry Shortcake, Raspberry Linzer Danish, Strawberry Crumb Cake and Matcha Green Tea Lattes. Don’t judge us! The girls gave me a gift certificate for a massage at Chiropractique! I hadn’t even posted my birthday wish list yet, and they already knew what I wanted. I guess I talk about my love for massages that much! Maybe I should start talking about my love for bearded Mexicans who drink beer and watch football—oh wait, I already do 😉 There’s always next year. Haha. We somehow rolled ourselves over to the theater to watch Leap Year after all that yummy dessert. I loved it, just like Il Postino told me I would. Le’sigh.

On Monday, I went to happy hour with Jay and some JCP folk. Always a good time and good laughs with these people! Jay gave me a gift certificate to Chef City so I could load up on restaurant supplies. I think that’s a hint for me to start looking for a new apartment so I can go back to hosting food nights at my place! Just like the time he gave me that cupcake cookbook… I’m sure it was more for his benefit than my own! Haha. I still love you, friend 🙂 Anyway, I drowned myself in margaritas since I was off the next day. It was quite the nightcap—I was in bed by eleven. I’m getting so old!

I took the day off for my actual birthday. I always do, even if I have nothing planned. Having to work on your birthday is all kinds of unholy. Kind of like eating meat on Good Friday. Or going commando in another man’s fatigues. It’s just something you don’t do! Pammie had some fruit truffles delivered to my house from Edible Arrangements! Best sister EVER! The BFF, Ray and the kids took me out to dinner at Phil’s. They told one of the employees it was my birthday and she had the entire restaurant sing to me! Mortifying. At least I got a free t-shirt out of it. As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough, I sat in the front seat of Ray’s Green Machine while he bumped reggae music on the drive home. Haha… I’m kidding, Ray. I love reggae and your freakishly small car—I can’t speak for your family squished in the backseat, though. Il Postino’s mom left me a gift at the their house. She’s such a sweetheart. It was a tea collection complete with a jar of honey and an adorable beehive-shaped wooden honey-stick thing. Perfect for this gloomy weather we’ve been having!

I was in the middle of taking pictures of my favorite munchkin with my new camera when my dad texted me that I had a package at the house. Who would send me a package in the mail? And an even bigger question—since when does my dad know how to text message? I texted my sister and asked her if she sent me anything. She said she didn’t, but that I should go to the house and see what it is. I wondered if Skokie had sent me something since he asked me for my address the weekend before, but the last thing I remember him buying me was a Costco hot dog for my birthday six years ago. Haha. Not likely. I hadn’t seen the BFF since before Christmas, so I told myself I would just check it later.

Half an hour goes by and Shi texts me, “GO HOME.” The girls surprised me at my house with a “Nothing Bundt Drama” red velvet cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes! Are those bitches trying to tell me something? Haha. I love, love, love these girls.

And so the universe decided to kick us while we’re down and make it rain the whole week.

I love you, Mark Sanchez, but my San Diego Chargers are gonna kick your beautiful ass today. BOLTS, BABY!

We all fall for them. Pricks are spontaneous, unpredictable and fun—and then we’re surprised when they turn out to be pricks.

Run Into Flowers:

To one of my best friends and cousins, Mayan, Happy Happy Birthday! No one else can foretell the future like you do, do graphic design like you do, attract cholos the way you do, or wear bathing suit bottoms like you do. I love you!

Slowly, But Shirley:

Heart twins…

It’s just how we roll =)

No one knows my heart like you do, love! Happy Birthday Mayan! Love you!

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it’s best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It’s like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won’t give you any. Maybe he’s got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he’s being reasonable from his point of view. So don’t hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It’s ice cream or nothing? Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

Anthony: So I was talking to this guy I know who went to your high school…
mayanrocks: What’s his name?
Anthony: He’s just some Mexican guy. Anyway, I asked him if he knew you and he said no, so I asked him if he knew Pam and he said that he did. I told him that you were Pam’s sister and he said, "Wait… Does Pam’s sister have really big boobs?"
mayanrocks: Seriously WTF! Who is he?
Anthony: You don’t need to know his name. Just know that you have really big boobs.

Because I didn’t know that before??? Thanks for nothing, Antho. I love that people don’t remember my name, but they remember my breasts. Eyes up, boys.

Is it weird that Il Postino’s mom gave me a leopard print body pillow for Christmas? How does that woman know I’ve been sleeping alone? A boyfriend arm pillow would’ve been more obvious, but I’m picking up what she’s putting down!

Between the holidays and moving, I didn’t have time to make a Christmas wish list like I usually do. My birthday is in a few days, so I’m posting one anyway! As I was making my list, this 13-year-old asks me, “Do you REALLY think your friends are gonna buy you this stuff? Most of it costs over $200!” Shut it, kid! It’s called a “wish” list. Not a “things-I-can-afford-to-buy-myself” list. I mean, seriously… what do kids learn in junior high these days? I could really use more practical stuff like gift cards to Target, Walmart, Costco or Arco… but where’s the fun in that? On to the list…

• The Kate Laptop Bag (Black)
  According to Shi, I don’t be knowin’ about protection! I need to stop throwing my MacBook Pro around.
• KitchenAid 5-Quart Artisan™ Stand Mixer (Onyx Black)
  I’m pretty sure I bake enough cupcakes to warrant a $300 stand mixer.
• Coach Soho Patent Satchel Handbag (Silver/Purple)
  I wanted this bag years ago, but I don’t think they make it anymore. I recently saw it again on eBay.
• Canon PowerShot SD780 (Black) Thanks, Pammie!
  I lost my digital camera in the Great Purse Disaster of 2005 and it has never been replaced.
• Pinzon Sheet Set (Plum/Queen)
  They match my gorgeous Simply Vera Wang City Night Comforter Set.
• Coach Madison Op Art Sateen Wristlet (Silver/Black)
  My mom always says I’d lose my vagina if it wasn’t attached to my body. A purse is no different.
• Bose SoundDock (Black)
  I listen to my “Karaoke” playlist everytime I shower, and it’s probably not a good idea to have my laptop in the bathroom with all that steam.

• The Beatles: Rock Band (Wii)
  I’ve been listening to The Beatles since I was in the womb and I can rock the mic’ to any of their songs!
• The Beatles LOVE Show – Cirque du Soleil
  I’ve always said that I want someone to fly me to Vegas to watch The Beatles LOVE Show for the third time (it could never be enough) and stay the night at some fancy hotel. Can somebody make that happen already???
• Wilton Cake Decorating Class at Michael’s
  It’s hard to believe, but my cupcakes could get cuter.

• San Diego Restaurant Week (Dinner)
  I’m all about yummy food with good friends. Or with yummy boys. Whatevs.
• Deep Tissue Massage Thanks Pammie, Chel and Shi!
  I’d get a massage every night if I could afford it. I’ve gotten one at The Knot Stop, but I heard Chiropractique was good, too. Or you could just give me a personal massage. No happy endings, though—it’s my birthday, not yours.

I had dinner and drinks at Benihana last night with Frank, Jay, Liz, Josie and Nancy. The food was SO good and the company even better. I couldn’t stop laughing with Josie over there talking about vagina wigs and Frank telling me how I should eat a cherry tomato. LOL. One Passionate Pearls martini, two glasses of Benihana punch and three sake shots later, I was too drunk to realize how much this fun was costing me. Haha. It was worth it. More pictures here.

I have six months to find a date fit into my bridesmaid dress for Chel and Flex’s wedding. A dress that I purposely ordered three sizes too small. It’s only day one of my diet and I’m miserable. Probably from all the food I didn’t eat. And all the Coke I didn’t drink. And the migraine I’ve had since I got home from work. I’ll have to keep reminding myself that “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” whenever I get the sudden urge to sit around and eat sticks of butter from different lands. It’s gonna be a long six months.

You don’t alter Vera Wang to fit you. You alter yourself to fit Vera.

It took six friends and five days to put one year into twelve boxes and fourteen trash bags. Thanks a heap to Pammie, Shi, Flex, Errol, Jay, Frank and Will for helping me move in the rain! Rest in peace, my beautiful bookcase. I’m sorry you were damaged beyond repair when we tried to squeeze you into my freakishly small storage space.

NOTE TO SELF: Pizza and beer AFTER my friends move my things next time. And not during the Holiday Bowl. And not on the one day it rains. And maybe invest in some furniture pads. “Protection? She don’t know nothin’ about that!” Haha. Boo whore.

A lot of shit went down in this place. Attention must be paid.

Oh, I paid 😉 As Shi said, if these walls could talk, we’d pay good money to shut them up!

Since Pammie went back up to the OC, there’s no one here to shout, “Eye on the prize, Mayan! Eye on the prize!” and keep me focused on packing up my apartment. Shi came over to help me pack, but we ended up going out for pho and watching Sex and the City: The Movie on HBO for the eleventh time instead. I’ve decided to further postpone my packing and fit one final blog in from Parkway Drive.

I’ve been living alone for a year now, and these are the things I’ve learned:

1. Dishes don’t clean themselves.
2. Neither do toilets.
3. I hate living above the pool.
4. I love living above the laundry room.
5. Only shop at Costco for non-perishables. Toilet paper. Bottled water. Red Vines. Even if you think you can eat twelve apples before they spoil, you can’t.
6. Having no air conditioning in the summer will make you want to punch a baby.
7. The library has free air conditioning. And free wi-fi.
8. Sheer white curtains in the bedroom are no bueno if you like sleeping past sunrise.
9. It’s possible to kill a cactus.
10. You can lose a boyfriend, an eye, and/or five hours of your life over the assembly of Ikea furniture.
11. I love having my friends over.
12. I hate cleaning up after them.
13. I love walking around in my chones after all my friends have gone home.
14. Two boxes of cotton swabs will last you an entire year. Spend the few extra dollars for Q-tips®. Your ears will thank you.
15. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your $20 salon shampoo for HBO and Cinemax.
16. Premium cable, phone and internet costs me $150 a month. Don’t take it for granted if you’re getting it for free at your mom’s house.
17. Don’t get shanghai’d into getting a newspaper subscription, even if it’s for your local little league. You will end up having to dispose of 84 unopened newspapers hiding in your linen closet when it’s time to move out.
18. Spending a few hundred dollars on luxury bedding is totally worth it.
19. Just because you live alone and can have strange men over at all hours of the night doesn’t mean you should.
20. I still lock the bathroom door behind me when I shower, even if I’m alone.
21. I watch too much Criminal Minds and CSI by myself.
22. Don’t regret never making friends with your shirtless neighbor who’s always grilling steaks by the pool. I know I do.
23. Spare keys to your apartment should be given out sparingly.
24. I hate packing and moving more than I hate my ex. And that’s saying something.
25. Save a little money from each paycheck. That way, if your boss unexpectedly gives you the week after Christmas off unpaid, you won’t be forced to pack up your overpriced apartment and move your things into storage while you look for a cheaper place to live—Not that I would know anything about that.

I forgot how much I loved this song until I heard it again watching Ray and Chubbs play Guitar Hero World Tour. Enjoy.

Coldplay – “Shiver”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/shiver.mp3]

From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep
I’ll be there by your side just you try and stop me
I’ll be waiting in line just to see if you care
Oh, did you want me to change?
Well, I changed for good
And I want you to know that you’ll always get your way
I wanted to say…
Don’t you shiver?

I’m moving out of my apartment and abandoning my clear obsession with espresso furniture. Anyone interested in buying some of it? Everything comes fully assembled, if that helps sway your decision at all—I’ve known couples who have almost broken up over the assembly of furniture. Just sayin’.

LoveSac MovieSac with Espresso Plush MicroSuede Cover

• Price: $200 (retails for over $600)
• Condition: Like new. No curious stains, rips, or smells. Smoke-free home.
• Diameter: 5 ‘
• Weight: 45 lbs
• Features: MovieSacs are big enough for two, yet small enough for most rooms. Whether you cry alone to chick flicks while eating bonbons, or cuddle up with your honey, sharing pillows and popcorn, you’ll be glad it comes with a removable, washable cover to protect against any mid-movie messes. These Sacs are easy to handle, easy to move, easy to take to the drive-in, and easy to clean up when finished. Unfortunately, the only thing about the MovieSac that is not easy is deciding who you will share it with. The MovieSac is for movie-lovers.

Espresso Desk and Chair SOLD!

• Price: $60 (retails for $100)
• Condition: Like new
• Dimensions: 47.4 x 19.5 x 30.2 H ” (desk)
• Weight: 60 lbs

Espresso Dresser SOLD!

• Price: $100 (retails for $190)
• Condition: Like new
• Features: Extra roomy, smooth-running drawers with pull-out stop
• Dimensions: Width: 63 ” / Depth: 18 7/8 ” / Height: 30 3/4 “
• Weight: 146 lbs

Fabric Triptych Wall Art

• Price: $20
• Condition: Like new
• Features: Fabric was cut and hand-stretched over wooden frames
• Dimensions: Each panel is 20 x 20 x 3/4 “

SpongeBob SquarePants – “Don’t be a Jerk (It’s Christmas)”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/spongebobxmas.mp3]

Don’t be a jerk, it’s Christmas!
When others are talking, never interrupt
Don’t put people down or leave the toilet seat up
It’s the time for family and holly and turkey
‘Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky

I made chocolate peanut butter cupcakes for Kristin’s birthday last night. It took me three trips to the grocery store—I don’t know where my head’s been lately. I had too much vodka fun at her birthday party. It’s a good thing my coworkers were too distracted by the leftover cupcakes I brought them to notice all that fun seeping through my pores this morning.

Shi: How do you like your eggs?
mayanrocks: in a poke
Shi: Of course you do!
mayanrocks: egg in a poke is an egg fried in the middle of bread, cochina
Shi: I thought it was something else… Everything’s always gotta be nasty with you!

Happy 29th birthday, Pammie! No one looks out for me like you do. If anyone ruined your birthday, I would ruin their life. I’m glad you loved our birthday surprise!

Things just keep going. We didn’t talk about anything heavy or light. We were just there together. And that was enough.

Il Postino and I dated on and off until he broke my heart last winter. He didn’t talk to me for eight months afterwards. He brought a new girl home for Thanksgiving. And the past two times he has contacted me, she just happened to be out of town.

But when I’m with him, I can’t seem to remember any of that.

He took me to see the meteor shower late last night. He picked me up at my apartment and we carried on as if those gaps between our visits didn’t exist. We got to the beach and were literally the only ones there. Maybe the weekend rain had scared everyone off. We lay the blanket on the sand under a patch of sky that wasn’t covered in clouds and waited… I was cozy in his jacket and gloves, with my head resting on his pillow. Michael Jackson songs played on his iPhone while we talked about the movies we had last seen—something we always used to do together. He told me I would like “Leap Year.” I overlooked that he had seen all of these movies with someone else. He said he would be satisfied if he saw twenty-six shooting stars and asked me how much I’d be happy with. I told him that I couldn’t think of a number, but I would just know when the time came. Being there with him was enough for me. I counted thirteen shooting stars and made a handful of wishes before we left. It started raining on the drive home. We both had work in the morning. I didn’t expect him to stay, but he stayed. I noticed that he always sleeps on the right side of the bed. He reached for my hand and closed his fingers over mine. I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He said that he wasn’t. That they were just friends. That they were never a couple. I wanted to believe him. We talked about why I was moving. We talked about his family. He said that his youngest sister has been mad at him since he moved out. I told him that she just misses him. I fell asleep to the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. He stayed with me till morning. And then he left.

If he wanted to be with me right now, he would be with me. I can’t keep putting my life on hold every time he decides to make a cameo. His appearances aren’t without expectations, and I find myself searching for hidden meanings behind his every word and action. I think he doesn’t want to lose me… but he doesn’t want to keep me, either.

Rihanna – “Stupid in Love”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/stupidinlove.mp3]

They’re telling me let go
He is not the one
I thought I saw your potential
Guess that’s what made me dumb

Just had the last Waffle Wednesday of the year at mi casa. Good food and good friends. Until next year!

Cinematic Orchestra – To Build A Home
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/tobuildahome.mp3]

‘Cause I built a home for you, for me
Until it disappeared from me, from you

(image via weheartit)

(image via Le Love)

John Legend – “Everybody Knows”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/audio/everybodyknows.mp3]

And I hope one day you’ll see nobody has it easy
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best… I guess

(image via lovebot)

She’s only the coolest 6-year-old I know. I had to make her some cool cupcakes:

Lykke Li – “Possibility”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/possibility.mp3]

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know

Late last night, Shi and I lay there on the beach bundled up in our sleeping bags and blankets awaiting the Leonid meteor shower. It made me think about the times my old friends and I would drive out to the mountains in Jamul and lay in the back of Gerald’s truck and watch for shooting stars. I really miss those days. Before yesterday, I could probably count on one hand how many shooting stars I had seen in my whole life. It was epic! I can’t wait for the Geminid shower next month.

I regret the way pain has taught me nothing.

He told me I needed a car wash. My car was always filthy back when we were dating, and I knew he was going to say something when he saw it today. I smiled because I still knew him, but it made me sad that he hadn’t changed. Neither have I, apparently. He hugged me goodbye and held me longer than he should have. Then he left.

He sent me a message a couple weeks ago saying that “we should talk sometime.” I reasoned he was just thinking about me because it was Halloween. We spent Halloween together last year, and he had just seen his niece whose costume I had sewn. Maybe he was lonely that day. He always does this. He says “we should talk,” but I know that he won’t call. And I won’t call. He’s the one who left me. And I never chase. So where does that leave us?

(image via weheartit)

Don’t call me past 11pm
It won’t happen again
It happened once
It happened twice
It happened three times
Maybe four times
Maybe five times
Maybe, maybe it happened six times
But it won’t happen a seventh time

I love us. Thanks for making this, Chel ♥