Oh, Jordan Catalano. I’d let you make out with me in the boiler room, even though you’d just ignore me at the Buffalo Tom show afterward. I can’t wait to see you on my birthday!

I can’t decide if I’m more excited about the Cranberry Bliss Bar being back at Starbucks or my mini cheesecake pans arriving in the mail today. What has my life come to?

Nothing in this universe happens just once. Infinity goes in both directions. There is no unique event, no singular moment. It means you will get another chance.

Things I’ve learned during my weekend getaway with the girls:

• One of us can make it work with only seven toes.
• One of us cried tears of joy this week.
• One of us can die happy now after kissing a Jabbawockee.
• One of us is willing to be the sacrificial lamb.
• One of us is moved to tears by gay show choirs.

  Dalton Academy Warblers – Teenage Dream (Katy Perry cover)
  [audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Glee Cast – Teenage Dream.mp3]

BEST. TRIP. EVER.

You told me I was just like you the other day, and I can’t think of a better compliment ♥

I tried three estheticians before discovering Linda at Viva Brazil. And when I showed up for my appointment this afternoon, my stomach fell out of my butt when they informed me that Linda had called in sick. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t let just anyone touch my vagina! After having survived our waxings with Margarita, Pammie and I had a celebratory lunch at Phil’s BBQ where we ran into my BFF and her fam. How dare she eat there without me??? At least she let us cut in line 🙂

I literally judge books by their cover, and Something Borrowed caught my eye five years ago. It was so good that I spread it like herpes and gave it to all my girlfriends. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought it was amazeballs, and it has been turned into a movie! It won’t be released till next year, but the girls and I attended a private screening of it last night. I expected to be disappointed, as I usually am with film adaptations of books I’ve read (The Da Vinci Code, Twilight), but the four of us who have read the book thought the movie did it justice, and my other two friends loved it without having read the book first. I think I’ve said all I’m legally allowed to say per the confidentiality agreement I had to sign, but I can’t wait for the movie to be released next year so I can watch it again (and see if my anonymous suggestion for more shots of Colin Egglesfield with his shirt off was taken into consideration).

Last Halloween, I woke up face down in a hotel bathroom and endured the walk of shame (and by shame I mean glory) downtown in my costume the next morning. This year, I decided to keep a low profile and skip Halloween altogether. Instead, I spent the weekend moving all my extra furniture out of my overpriced storage unit. All I have left in there is my lovesac and dining table, so make sure to check out my listings while you’re perusing the casual encounters section of Craigslist if you’re interested.

I spent most of Saturday afternoon loading everything into the U-haul with the help of my mom and sister. Moving furniture ruins relationships, and I’m surprised we’re all still speaking after this weekend! I thanked them with Phil’s, so I’m pretty sure I’m forgiven for those three painful hours of labor. Sunday, though? Not so much…

While I was grateful that Jessie took my sectional off my hands, I was less enthused about the fact that she lives on the fifth floor of her building. Three girls moving two couches down a busy street in Little Italy was truly a sight to behold. We tried to get some boys to help us beforehand, but we were 0 for 3. One of my friends said he had to go to work on his day off to show his Halloween costume, another had to help his mom with her political campaign, and the maintenance guy at her building did not seem at all interested in lending a hand. Whatever happened to chivalry? My entire body’s sore now, jerks.

We did everything short of bending time and space to get those couches into Jessie’s condo. She rewarded us with some chocolate cupcakes with pumpkin cream cheese frosting that she whipped up in her KitchenAid stand mixer. Not only does she now have my beloved microsuede sectional, but she also has the appliance of my dreams. At least she’s allowing me visitation rights! Afterward, we still had to go up to the OC to drop off the U-haul at Pammie’s. While we were putting together her bed, we heard the doorbell ring and thought it was the takeout we ordered, but it was a bunch of kids in costumes! In all this furniture hoopla, we had completely forgotten about Halloween.

Linkin Park – Waiting For The End
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Linkin Park – Waiting For The End.mp3]

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go

After another heartbreaking Charger loss, Jay, Pammie and I ate our feelings at Cafe Hue and Crab Hut (where I finally regained my title as mayor! Suck it, Lindsay C.).

Brunch with my sister at The Mission this morning. She always orders savory, while I order sweet, and then we switch plates afterward. We’re total opposites, and I’m pretty sure the only thing we have in common is our love for fine dining. And our nose.

I know five* couples who have called it quits these past few weeks. Okay so maybe three of those couples are celebrities. Technicalities. Nobody stays together anymore… not even Christina Aguilera and her husband.

I met up with the girls and Anthony for sushi and drinks last night. As I listened to them talk about broken engagements, unofficial relationships, ex’s reaching out to them while they’re married… I had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation in regard to myself, and I guess that’s a good thing for once. So much for happy hour! Almost everyone I know is in some kind of relationship, whether it’s between a husband and wife, a man and someone else’s wife, a girl and her long distance love, or a boy and his fleshlight. Even though I miss being in a relationship sometimes, I don’t miss all the drama that comes along with it, and was happy to drink my mai tai in silence.

*Update: Six couples now. 2010 has def been the year of babies and breakups.

Broken Social Scene – 7/4 (Shoreline)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Broken Social Scene – 7-4 Shoreline.mp3]

Movie night with Shi on Friday. We watched Easy A, and it was hilarious! Def the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. Kind of makes me want to censor what I post on here. And possibly get checked for chlamydia.

Lunch and lingerie with the bestie on Saturday. Domo Sushi was fab, although as far as sushi in east county goes, my heart belongs to Banbu. The sushi at Domo is crazy cheap, however. The Mexican roll was half off at $4, and I’ve never gotten a Mexican roll for that cheap (or without consequences) before. Alicia is celebrating her 15-year anniversary with Ray next weekend. Their relationship has lasted longer than the sum of all my relationships. And I’m even counting the online boyfriend I had for a brief moment in 1997. This occasion clearly warranted two hours of lingerie shopping at Parkway Plaza. All I went home with was some Starbucks and ideas for my future boyfriend. Boo whore.

On Sunday, I got up at an ungodly hour to make strides against breast cancer with the women in my family. Afterward, we had brunch at Brian’s to celebrate Chel’s birthday. Seven chicken and waffles, please! YUM. I did not feel the least bit guilty after having just walked 5K in the rain. Christine 1up’d us and ran the Nike Women’s (Half) Marathon in SF! While we didn’t run 13 miles and weren’t greeted at the finish line with firemen in tuxedos handing out Tiffany necklaces (lucky!), we walked for a great cause and in memory of my aunt. It’s not too late to make a donation towards breast cancer research here.

Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.

Craft & Commerce & Casbah with Jessie last night. She’s an old friend, but my newest concert buddy!

We met up at Craft & Commerce in Little Italy for dinner and drinks. Our bartender, Frank, was truly a man after my own heart. From his plaid button down shirt with his rolled up sleeves, to his mustache, to the artful way he shook those cocktails with such conviction… I don’t normally like mustaches when they aren’t accompanied by a beard, but I think I can make an exception this time. Jessie and I shared the Mother’s Ruin punch bowl. It’s supposed to serve four, but the two of us drank it for dinner. Jessie called it “Frank’s punch,” but Frank told us that his punch packs a bigger bite! Yeah, that’s pretty much when my panties fell off. We were so full off of drinks that we barely touched our appetizers. Jessie had the bacon-wrapped corn dogs, while I ordered my newest obsession, Devils on Horseback (applewood bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with cheese). C&C is home to bacon-wrapped deliciousness, and they even have ice cream sandwiches with candied bacon in it. Def not your typical bar fare!

A corn dog and a couple of dates weren’t enough to soak up all that alcohol, so we walked our drunk asses nine blocks to the Casbah to see Blind Pilot. Even though we were surrounded by freakishly tall hipsters sipping PBR and blocking our view, I really enjoyed the music and spending time with an old friend.

Halloween is just around the corner, and I’ve decided to sell my old costumes on eBay since I’m never going to wear them again (unless you’re into that sort of thing). Perusing my collection, I’ve realized that I’m (A) too old to be dressing up for Halloween and (B) a slut.

Um, was Charlie Hunnam’s beard always this thick? Or is it just getting hot in here? I’m deeply concerned by this blonde infiltration of my Freebie Five.

Besides becoming the Mayor of Sonic on Foursquare or finding out that I’m someone’s missed connection on Craigslist, another one of my life dreams is to become a Yelp Elite. I already blog about all the restaurants I eat at, so I might as well post my reviews on Yelp where someone other than my grandma can read it. So far, I have one stalker fan on Yelp. I don’t know who it is, and it’s ruining my life!

Happy birthday to Phil of @THE_WOCKEEZ and @KNGDMmusic! See you at MUS.I.C in November with @pammie1216, @itschristinebp and @Raepinky16! OBEY SB!

Well, this is a terrifying cloud.

One night I’m sleeping naked with the fan on, and the next I’m sleeping naked under my down alternative comforter. What gives???

Christine gave me a pair of free tickets to Taste of North Park yesterday, so Pammie and I spent the afternoon eating and drinking ourselves into a coma. Urban Solace was the only restaurant we had eaten at prior to this event, and they actually had the best offering: Duckaroni and S’mores. Om nom nom. While some may think the highlight of this event was getting to sample 45 different restaurants and bars for free, the real highlight for me was the hot bearded fellow who served me my Islander IPA at Ranchos… followed closely by the dirty old man who walked past me on 30th, took a look at each of my breasts, and greeted them, “Hello and hello.” Yep. Still got it.

We had Restaurant Week: Part Deux at Indigo Grill in Little Italy last night. Instead of partaking in their special menu, Christine, Jay and I decided to order appetizers and drink our dinner instead in the form of white sangria. Not only was everything we ordered plated beautifully, it all tasted pretty outstanding, too. We had Pipian Crusted Brie (with jalapeno jelly, honey roasted garlic, grilled nopales, mole negro, and scallion flatbread), Scallop and Shrimp Ceviche (cured in lemon juice with cucumber pico de gallo), and Arugula, Frissee and Radicchio (with cotija-stuffed dates wrapped in applewood smoked bacon, blackened shrimp, and a prickly pear vinaigrette). I couldn’t get enough of the mole negro and bacon-wrapped dates! The salad and ceviche are half off during happy hour, so def try to arrive before 6:30 if possible. The white sangria was ridiculously good and refreshing. It’s $50 for a pitcher, and we were able to get at least 10 glasses out of it. It costs $11 a glass, so if you think you’re going to have a few drinks each (and we always do), then get the pitcher for sure! After an awesome first time, I will definitely be back for seconds! I’d love to see what else this restaurant has to offer.

1. I won the school spelling bee in the second grade. It’s an absolute deal breaker when a guy can’t spell for shit (but apparently it’s okay if he forgets my birthday, stands me up, and/or lies to me about his relationship status).
2. I carry crushed red pepper flakes in my purse at all times and put it on almost everything I eat.
3. I judge people by what email provider they have. If you use Hotmail, I automatically question our friendship.
4. I can predict earthquakes. Okay, so really I just predicted one. And maybe I didn’t really predict it. Anyway, the day before I moved out of my apartment, Shi and I set my bed frame on its side to see if I could get it out of my bedroom without having to break it down. After finding out it could fit through the door in one piece, we left it propped up against the wall.

   This is the conversation that followed:
   me: Aren’t you gonna help me put the bed frame back down?
   Shi: Just leave it. It’ll be easier to move tomorrow.
   me: What if it falls on me while I’m sleeping?
   Shi: It’s NOT going to fall on you!
   me: I’m just saying! What if there’s an earthquake?
   Shi: There’s not going to be a damn earthquake, crazy!

   Can you guess what woke me up the next morning? I survived the earthquake, obvi… no thanks to you, Shirley May!

It’s Restaurant Week, so Jay invited me to dinner at Peohe’s in Coronado. It was like that one time he took me to Black Angus before the Sweethearts Dance when I was sixteen, except we didn’t slow dance afterward. Nor did I earn the title of “Freak Me ’98” tonight. Haha. He wishes!

Peohe’s is the place that Jay takes every girl he’s trying to cupcake. I always jokingly gave him shit about never taking me there, and he finally took me so I could quit my bitchin’! Looks like I’ve finally made it 😉 The hostess sat us down outside, and I sipped on a Mango Mojito while checking out the menu and enjoying the view. We started off with Maui-Style Onion Rings. They’re fried in coconut batter, and I’m not a fan of coconut (unless it’s dessert, and even then I’m selective), but I thought I’d give it a whirl. I ended up liking the chipotle ketchup dip better than the onion rings, but I could see why Jay likes them so much. We both ordered the Lobster Bisque and Crab Stuffed Tilapia with caper butter and wild rice. Jay finished off with the No Ka Oi (macadamia nut ice cream pie in a chocolate cookie crust with chocolate sauce), while I got the Macadamia Nut Creme Brulee. Yowza! I’ve never eaten so good in my life.

I’m not gonna lie, I was thoroughly impressed… from the food, to the amazing view of the bay and downtown, to the attentive waitress who occasionally swept the crumbs off our table while we ate. Fancy! Too bad I was there with Jay and not a real date! Haha. All of this right here… wasted. Oh, well. I’d rather be there with him than some ass clown who orders their steak well done and butterflied. Deal breaker!

Glee Cast – The Only Exception (Paramore Cover)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Glee Cast – The Only Exception.mp3]

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

One of my favorite songs covered by one of my favorite TV shows ♥

My old room at my parents’ house has become a storage space over the past couple of years. Instead of submitting it for consideration on an episode of Hoarders, I decided to spend the day cleaning it out.

These are some of the things I found:

• My ex-boyfriend’s Fo’ Sheezy I’m Wheezy shirt – It’s funny because it’s true.
• Gift certificates for Chef City, CPK, Yogurt World, and Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza
• Leg Magic Exercise Machine – I bought this in hopes that it would tone my stems, but much like my gym membership, it doesn’t work unless I use it. It’s just taking up space in the house, so I’ve posted it on Craigslist to make room for my expanding waistline.

Our old friends, Donna and David, were in town for a wedding, and we got together one last time at Extraordinary Desserts before they flew back home to North Carolina. I ordered my new favorite, Chocolate Croissant Bread Pudding. YUM. Jay took a bite or two (or five), but not without asking me to drizzle chocolate sauce on it slowly while talking dirty to him first. Is it weird that it wasn’t the first time someone has asked me to do that?

View from the floor at my third Muse concert last night. It was epic! Muse confetti balloons are pretty much my favorite thing in the world.

Muse – Stockholm Syndrome
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/muse – stockholm syndrome.mp3]

This is the last time I’ll abandon you
And this is the last time I’ll forget you
I wish I could

Jessie, Pammie and I had dinner at Urban Solace in North Park before the Muse show! Everything tasted AMAZING from the cheese biscuits with orange-honey butter to the Duckaroni (macaroni with duck confit!) to the Monte Diego (their version of a monte cristo with smoked ham, fontina cheese, grilled pears, marinated onions, and strawberry-currant jam). I don’t usually like sweet potato fries, but I wanted theirs to bear my children. I’m not sure why I don’t dine out more with Jessie when (a) she’s just as excited about good eats as me and (b) there’s a good chance she has dated one of the bartenders and/or barbacks who can hook us up with drinks 😉

Happy hour with the girls at Analog before the Phoenix show at SDSU tonight. We all had tall boys and totchos (nachos with tots instead of chips!) to start. I wanted to get something different this time, so I went with the Dirty Sanchez (grilled cheese with jalapenos and bacon). What was once my favorite move is now my favorite sandwich! Just kidding. (It’s not my favorite sandwich.)

Phoenix was amazeballs. Thomas Mars sang a French lullaby to me. And 4,600 others. But mostly just me.

“Rome” was def my fave performance:
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Phoenix – Rome.mp3]

Always and forever more
We’re together dead and lonely
I thought I couldn’t do this without you
Single in his bed somewhere
Ashes still it fall, fall, falls

MUSE TOMORROW!!!

I went up to the OC to help my sister paint her condo this weekend. It was my first time taking the train, and I loved everything about it. In the 90-minute ride, I was able to avoid traffic, finish designing wedding invitations for a new client, and watch the ass clowns sitting in front of me get escorted off the train by the deputy, all while taking in the view of the Pacific Ocean.

Pammie picked me up in Irvine and we ate at Shik Do Rak, a Korean BBQ joint with my favorite kind of meat—all you can eat! We went to Lowe’s afterward to buy everything she needed to paint the living room. The previous owner painted it an offensive powder blue. Who does that??? Almost any color would’ve been a definite upgrade, and she picked one within minutes. We are such opposites. I once went to Ikea and stared at two coffee tables for half an hour and then went home empty handed because I couldn’t decide which one I liked best. This is why people hate shopping with me. And eating with me. I’m always the last one to order at restaurants, too. Luckily, we were painting Pammie’s condo and not my own.

Painting was harder than I expected. By the time we unscrewed all the outlet covers, took down the curtains, moved all the furniture, taped off the baseboards and set down the drop cloths, two hours had passed and we hadn’t even started painting yet. When we finally went to bed at four in the morning, her living room was painted a beautiful London Coach.

Despite my early morning tomorrow, I decided to take a later train out and stay a bit longer. After eating that spicy lobster roll with Shi at RB Sushi, I’ve been craving it ever since. I found it near my sister’s at a place called Kokoro, so we ate there for dinner. We had cupcakes from Frostings afterward for dessert, and now I’m on the train back home to SD, still partially covered in paint in places I didn’t think you could get paint. I’m exhausted!

Our office hours are changing, and I’m expected to be bright eyed and bushy tailed an hour earlier than usual starting Monday. FML.

(photo via *December Sun)

Few things make me happier than auto-tuned newscasts.

Last night after work, I wanted to do nothing more than go home and veg in my chones pajamas. I must have had a stroke when I agreed to hike Torrey Pines instead with Shi. The view from the top was worth jogging the straightaway (and then some!). Afterward, we had spicy lobster rolls at RB Sushi in our gym clothes and caught up on our love lives (or lack thereof—I’ll let you guess whose was lacking).

After just one look at my blog, it’s obvious that I love food, bearded men, and the word “vagina” (in that order). I wanted to reveal some new facts about myself, so here’s the first of hopefully many “Fun Fact Friday” posts…

1. My favorite food is sandwiches. My favorite sandwich is the french dip. And my favorite french dip is from BJ’s. Om nom nom.
2. I’ve had a lip ring for most of my 20s. It was an impulse piercing that I’m indifferent about now, but I feel like the lip ring is less offensive than the hole that will be left in my face once I remove it.
3. I can blow some serious smoke rings. I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I used to smoke hookah like nobody’s business. We recently had a sesh in E’s backyard like old times, and five years later, I still got it 😉
4. My favorite ice is the pellet kind that they have at Phil’s and Sonic.

(You should be writing this stuff down.)

Funniest. Movie. Ever. Go see it!

Dinner at Banbu Sushi with Pammie and Shi last night. While we didn’t order the protein roll (Shi’s favorite) or the double pleasure roll (my favorite, of course), we did take advantage of happy hour and got jalapeno poppers, kobe beef rolls and hamana rolls! My lychee martini and Banbu Bites weren’t offered on the happy hour menu, but both are definite must-haves. I used to live down the street from this place, and I can’t believe I didn’t eat here till after I moved. Their sushi is pretty outstanding, albeit a little pricey for a restaurant in La Mesa. It’s beautifully designed, though, and besides the night I came here during Restaurant Week, I’ve never had to wait too long for dinner. I def recommend taking a date here. And by “date” I mean me.

Happy 30th birthday to my dear friend, Gerald. You once bought me these Paul Frank pajama pants I had been eyeballing for Christmas, and I’ve never been able to wear them, because you thought I was a size smaller than I was (which was a gift in and of itself). You were the only one brave enough to teach me how to drive a stick shift, and you were patient with me even after I burned your clutch. You trusted me to watch your fish while you were deployed, and you didn’t hate me when he died. You’re the coolest navy seal I know, and wherever you are in this world, I hope that you’re safe, drinking a Monster, eating some Mike & Ike’s, and reading this wondering why you’re still friends with a person who burned your clutch and killed your fish.

Anberlin – Impossible
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Anberlin – Impossible.mp3]

Take what you want from me
It means nothing now
Take everything from me
It means nothing now
Not so easy to forgive, harder to forget
Take what you want

He’s usually a riot when it’s not his birthday. Maybe he has something against party hats?

Watching Takers with the girls last night sparked a new found interest in Paul Walker. YOWZA. I love a man in a suit, whether it be business or birthday 😉

More photos of Paul Walker suited up in GQ here.

Update: I just watched Paul Walker in Running Scared, and apparently I also love a man in a plaid button down with a gun in his hand. He is GANGSTA in this movie! And now he has officially taken up permanent residence in my Freebie Five.

KNGDM – Heartache
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/KNGDM – Heartache.mp3]

Let me remind you that we just keepin’ it movement
And you should do the same and just keep it moving

Download “The Goodbye Mixtape” here for free!

Happy hour at Analog downtown with Chel, Shi and Christine last night. Lobster corn dogs. Grilled gruyere, mozzarella & truffle cheese sandwich with a side of honeycomb made by real bees (lolol Chel). Twinkie tiramisu and pot brownie for dessert. Owned Christine (and our waiter!) in Street Fighter 2. Ran into Adam Brody from The OC because his brother was throwing a charity event there. NBD 😉 Love the interior design and old school vibe in this place. Will def be coming back for more!

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. And for everything you gain, you lose something else.

Shotgun trip to Vegas this past weekend. We ate at Studio B inside the M Resort. Twice. We watched the JBWKZ do chest pops. We floated down a lazy river. We managed to escape running into all the people from SD who were also in town for the weekend. It was more like a relaxing vacation than the usual trip to Vegas. No high heels. No clubs. No hangover. What has my life come to?

(image via plastic-sfoonss)

Meaghan Smith – Here Comes Your Man
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Meaghan Smith – Here Comes Your Man.mp3]

I just won a signed copy of Meaghan Smith’s latest record, The Cricket’s Orchestra! I’ve been of fan of hers ever since she covered the Pixies’ Here Comes Your Man on the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack. She picked three random winners from her email subscription list, and I was one of them! I didn’t even know she was having a contest! I’ve never won anything in my life… What a great way to kick off my weekend 🙂

Vegas tomorrow!

So it’s no secret that I want the shrimp at Crab Hut to have my babies. Pammie comes down every weekend, and every weekend we go to Crab Hut. We always order two pounds of boiled shrimp with full house/medium sauce and rotate the appetizers (clearly, we’re creatures of habit). Lately, we’ve been ordering fried calamari and sweet potato fries. And then we get boba next door at Tapioca Express afterward, because we’re Asian and we like stereotypes. I’m pretty sure that no one frequents Crab Hut more than we do, so my title as mayor is secure unless Pammie starts sneaking trips without me (I wouldn’t put it past her).

Last night, I had dinner plans with Trace at Crab Hut. I invited Jay just so he could peel our shrimp for us! Jay invited the newlyweds, Alana and Jed, and Trace brought her boyfriend, Gary. If I knew this was going to be a couples thing, I wouldn’t have brought Jay! Haha. Just kidding. Like I would’ve peeled my own shrimp!

ha•lo-ha•lo [from the Tagalog word halò, “mix”] – noun. A popular Filipino dessert that is a mixture of shaved ice and milk to which are added various sweet beans, fruits and ice cream, and served cold in a tall glass or bowl.

Chel: Mayan, can you think of a song I could use in this video?
Mayan: Mmmm, I’d have to check my library.
Pammie: Bruno Mars…
Mayan: And that is why Chel didn’t ask you for song suggestions.

Chel made this awesome video montage of our family camping trip this past weekend. And if you’re thinking, “Why would I want to watch a video montage of someone else’s family camping trip?” then might I add that there’s footage of me using a shake weight if that helps sway your decision at all. Just sayin’.

My mom remembered to bring my grandma’s birthday cake but left it melting in the car and forgot the candles, brought halo-halo toppings without realizing they were expired, and offered us pancakes, but didn’t have any syrup. I mean… this is my future, ya’ll. I am so my mother’s daughter.

All things considered, I had a memorable weekend camping with my Cuevas fam ♥

I went to TNT at the Museum of Contemporary Art downtown last night. After work, I took the trolley from Old Town and got ogled by three different men at three different stops on the 9-minute ride. Public transportation is for the pervs! Chel, Christine, Anthony and I had a light dinner at St. Tropez. While the food was just okay and the hip hop music distracted from the French ambiance, we did, however, enjoy how our seats vibrated every fifteen minutes from the passing trolley buses—Yes, even Anthony enjoyed it. And yes, it’s been entirely too long since I’ve had a man.

We hit up MCASD afterward, and some of the artwork was just beyond me, but I did enjoy this one piece by Vhils made of sculpted brick wall with plaster and paint:

I also enjoyed the Stone IPA, the 9 o’clock Mexican and seeing three of our collective ex’s. Yeah, that wasn’t awkward.

Several street artists, including Shepard Fairey and Banksy, did public commissions around downtown, so def check them out if you’re in the area.

Love this show!

Extraordinary Desserts with my faves, talking about each other’s backups and back ends. I’ve already said too much.

The most beautiful discovery true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.

I saw an old friend today. Even though our lives are so different now, it was like nothing had changed… him in his Obey shirt, me in my Reefs. Seeing him makes me miss him.

Shi wanted to have dinner at Pho Cali tonight to ease her sore throat. It seems like everyone has been getting sick lately!

We met up with Jay, Leah, Charlene and Sha at Babycakes for dessert. As former ASB president, Leah’s been trying to get me to go to our ten year reunion this weekend. But I left high school where I left my crush on Jordan Catalano—in the 90s where it belongs. Why get all dolled up to make small talk with old classmates at the Marriott when I can sit at home in my chones and read their Facebook statuses on my news feed instead?

(I’m kidding. I totally block their status updates.)

P.S. If you don’t know who Jordan Catalano is, then you are too young and I am too old.

I’ve made cupcakes for a few of Kristin’s parties, so she asked me to make a Hello Kitty cake for her niece’s birthday. I can make cupcakes in my sleep, but I’ve never actually baked and decorated an entire cake before. I decided to make a practice cake first, just in case I was in over my head.

Isn’t this a pretty kitty? (That’s what she said.) Too bad this cake won’t stay fresh till next weekend! I’ll have to make another one on Friday, and now I’m left with a Hello Kitty cake that I’m not going to eat… How weird would it be if I showed up at my uncle’s retirement party with this thing?

Lit – Miserable
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Lit – Miserable.mp3]

You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable

I heard this song on the way to the gym this morning, and it reminded me of high school. I’m not sure what’s more shocking—that this song came out over ten years ago, or that I went to the gym this morning?

Don’t answer that.

Anthony suggested that we all meet up for weekly happy hours till the end of summer (he also suggested that we play glow-in-the-dark bingo, but that’s a story for another time). Chel, Shi and I had our first happy hour at El Camino in South Park tonight (while Antho was out of town, of course). Sangria always tastes better when it’s served in a glass boot!

El Camino’s Happy Hour details:

• Monday-Friday 5-7pm
• Free chips and salsa
• 1/2 off quesadillas and nachos
• $3 Coronas, margaritas, and sangria
• $15 sangria pitchers
• $20 margarita pitchers

Thanks for treating us out, Chel ♥

Pammie and I were given free tickets to Comic-Con on Sunday. I knew I was out of place when I looked up at the big screen and thought out loud, "What movie is this?" and some dude looked at me like I was crazy and said, "It’s Return of the Jedi!" I’m pretty sure I was the only one within a 10-mile radius who hadn’t seen a single Star Wars movie.

While I was at the Iron Man booth, Pammie ran up to me and said, "Guess who’s here?!?!?" And I was like, "Robert Downey Jr?!?" And she was like, "Kevin from the Jabbawockeez!" I mean…!

As we waited in line for the panels, the girl with the Fringe tote in front of us said, "Too bad you guys got the sucky Vampire Diaries themed tote bags!" Um. We totally traded a small child and an old man our original Batman bags for these “sucky” Vampire Diaries bags! LOL.

We missed the Glee panel, but we were able to get into Sons of Anarchy. OH. MY. JAX. He is officially in my Freebie Five!

Jay has a tendency to turn his birthday into a month-long extravaganza, but this year he only subjected us to two outings (shocking!). The girls and I are notorious for disappearing during his birthday celebrations every year, and he’ll never let us forget the time we left in the middle of his party for frozen yogurt at Yogotango. Or dinner at Friday’s. Or dinner at The Spot. This year was no different.

This Irish Angel (chocolate cake layered with Bailey’s creme brulee) was totally worth the shit Jay’s going to give us for leaving The Office again this year when he sees the pictures we took of us eating at Heaven Sent Desserts on his camera 😉

Chel taught me, Shi and Pammie how to make our own sushi yesterday!

Check out my inside out crab and cucumber sushi roll topped with shrimp, unagi sauce, spicy mayo, toasted panko crumbs and masago:

You’ve changed my life, darlin’. I can’t wait for more cooking lessons!

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Things I love about Jay:

• He was the first boy who asked me to a high school dance via AOL circa 1998 (there are so many things wrong with this sentence).
• He dresses up as a girl every Halloween.
• He’s more proud than embarrassed about the night that he sharted in public.
• He knows all the lyrics to Debarge’s “Rhythm of the Night.”
• Even though I’m horrible at returning his phone calls, he still considers me one of his dearest friends and treats me like one, too.

Happy birthday, love. See you tonight for your aptly titled “Dirty, Flirty, Hurt Me 30” party!

Jay’s bacon chocolate birthday cake at The Riviera Supper Club!

(App: Hipstamatic / Lens: Kaimal Mark II / Film: Ina’s 1969)

(image via ohfuckyeahjosephgordon-levitt)

New hand-stamped bracelets have been added to my Etsy shop: mayanrocks.etsy.com

If Bejeweled Blitz games last only one minute, where did the last 3 hours of my life go?

While vacationing in NYC years ago, I managed to get myself and Pammie lost in the city. We got off the train when I realized we were going the wrong way and found ourselves alone with Milo Ventimiglia at an otherwise empty subway stop. Seeing him in person was like hearing the Beatles for the first time, and I was rendered speechless. I got on the subway without asking him to father my children, and it has been my #3 regret in life ever since (don’t ask me what the first two are—I’m taking them to my grave!).

I loved taking the subway everywhere, and I die a little each minute I’m sitting in traffic at home in California. In memory of my trip, I’ve made some NYC-inspired magnets, complete with my old maps that got us lost in the city. Hopefully they will be of more use to you on your fridge than they were for me in New York! You can buy them here.

We all played a round of Catch Phrase at Anthony’s before the movie last night. When it was my sister’s fiance’s turn, the clue that he gave us was, “This is what I am.” He’s a big guy, so people were like, ummm… ummm… and I turned to Anthony and was like, “OMG. Nobody wants to say it!” and Anthony blurts out, “One of a kind!” LOL.

It reminded me of this hilarious South Park episode, With Apologies to Jesse Jackson:

Pat Sajak: The category is People Who Annoy You.
Randy: Uh… Well, uh…
Pat Sajak: Ten seconds, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: I know it but I don’t think I should say it.
Pat Sajak: Five seconds, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: Oh all right uh, I’d like to solve the puzzle! Niggers!
Stan: Oooo.
Randy: Oh naggers. Of course, naggers. Right.
Pat Sajak: Uhh, can we cut to a… Can we cut to a…

Inception was AMAZING. It’s def the best movie I’ve seen so far in 2010. Granted, the list of movies I’ve seen this year include Eclipse and Dear John, but don’t let that cheapen its awesomeness (or your view of me as a person). Go watch it!

Whenever there’s a potluck, I usually bake cupcakes, but it’s not something I enjoy eating all that much. Anthony invited us over for a potluck dinner tonight, so I thought I’d go a different route and make something I’d actually eat. I’m no cook by any stretch of the imagination, but bacon-wrapped jalapeño cream cheese poppers seemed simple enough.

I’ve eaten jalapeños on nachos, burgers, sushi… but I’ve never handled a raw jalapeño before, let alone thirty of them. And now I’ve got jalapeño burn! I didn’t even know that existed until I googled, “how do I get my hands to stop burning after handling jalapenos?” The pain caused from de-seeding the jalapeños with my bare hands feels something akin to shoving bamboo splinters under my finger nails. Ouch!

I should stick to baking.

Brandon Boyd – Courage and Control
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/courageandcontrol.mp3]

It’s time to let your hair down
And give yourself permission
It takes courage and control
But you start by letting go

I probably shouldn’t rely on my FortuneBall app to make any life-altering decisions.

Pammie and I stayed home the entire weekend and watched a Vampire Diaries marathon. It was glorious.

(This is why I’m single.)

Seven of my friends and I sat in the theater waiting for the movie to start last weekend, and all seven of them were playing with their iPhones. The only thing I could do on my non-iPhone was check the time. Boo whore. I said what I always say when this happens (which is every time we go out), “My Verizon contract isn’t up till July, you bitches.” Except this time, it WAS July. I mean, where did my life go??? Anyway, I visited the AT&T store the next day and snagged their last iPhone 4G. Yay!

Here’s my first photo taken with my iPhone…
App: Hipstamatic / Lens: John S. / Film: Kodot Verichrome

Chel, Shi, Flex and I ate dessert waffles topped with Nutella, taro ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream at Crepe World tonight. We sat there for an hour or so playing with our iPhones before realizing that we could be doing the same thing at home in our chones. So now I’m blogging this from my iPhone at home. And yes… I’m in my chones.

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn’t all you thought it was. Someone walked into your life, you fell in love, or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe it was a brief moment of insanity.

The BFF told me about Il Postino’s new girlfriend today, and I felt nothing. It’s funny how I always used to find myself running back to him, for some reason, thinking it would work out differently the second third fourth fifth time. And now, I can’t think of a single reason why I’d ever want him back.

Prints of this illustration I designed are now available in my Etsy shop for $10! They are 11″ x 17″ and professionally printed by digital press on 100 lb. paper gloss.

Two trips to the fair last week left me with fierce tan lines and an even fiercer waistline. I’m sure my special relationship with bacon last month didn’t help, either. Today’s a new day, though. I don’t have a particular goal in mind… No upcoming wedding to lose three dress sizes for. No birthday party for another ex-boyfriend… A belated attempt to wear a bathing suit in public, perhaps? (I wear my chones around anyone who will let me—is that not the same thing?) I suppose I have to do it for myself this time. Here goes nothing…

I mean… is this kid 18 yet? I need to know this information before I comment on his V-line.

This evening left me all kinds of satisfied:

• Good food: Japanese tapas at Yakitori Yakyudori (bacon wrapped asparagus!!!) followed by dessert at Babycakes
• Good company: Pammie, Chel, Shi, Anthony, Christine and Cynthia
• Good movie: Eclipse, baby! Don’t judge us.

(image via Run Into Flowers)

They say that bad things happen in threes, and this week was no exception:

1. My aunt was diagnosed with lung cancer.
2. My mom’s coworker and her mom were the women killed in the Lakeside homicides I saw on the news last week.
3. Two more of my friends are pregnant.

Okay so maybe that last one isn’t a bad thing per se. I’m happy for them both… along with my five other friends who also reproduced this year. Really.

My favorite part of the night was when Antho won the super slide race that no one else was participating in.

(image via Let’sExplode)

OneRepublic – Say (All I Need)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/onerepublic – say all i need.mp3]

Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong
But nothing’s turned out how you want it

OneRepublic + the fair with my faves after work. Is it 5:30 yet???

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I’m both disgusted and amazed at the amount of food that Jay, Pammie, Christine, Shi, Ella, Sha and I collectively inhaled at the fair today:

• BBQ Tri Tip Sandwich
• BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
• Applewood Bacon Cheeseburger
• Pizza Bread
• Sausage Sandwich
• Deep Fried Cheese Curds
• Caramel Apple Tower
• Strawberry Tower
• Mini Donuts
• Baklava
• Bavarian Funnel Cake
• Deep Fried Pop Tart
• Deep Fried Klondike Bar
• Deep Fried Oreos
• Zucchini Curls
• Chicken kabob
• Chocolate/Vanilla Swirl Cone

I’m not gonna lie… I kind of want to throw up a little.

(Round 2 on Friday?)

A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run. Sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.

If I haven’t returned any of your messages in months, what made you think I’d appreciate the 1am phone call?

How have I not heard about this movie till now? Considering Joseph Gordon Levitt and Leo DiCaprio were both (at one time or another) in my Freebie Five, my vagina could not be more excited.

It’s officially summer, and for the 28th year in a row, I’m not ready for all this sunlight. Thankfully, I’ve moved out of my non air-conditioned apartment that I nearly melted in last year, so I won’t have any sudden urges to punch a baby in this heat. Being healthy isn’t enough motivation to lose weight for me. I entered a biggest loser competition at work last year, lost 20 pounds and won by less than 1% (suck it, Calvin!). And I did it all for just bragging rights and a celebratory croissant. I used to play Bejeweled Blitz religiously on Facebook just because whenever I’d beat someone’s score, it sent them a notification saying, “Booyah! Mayan fucking beat you, bitch.” Okay maybe it didn’t say fucking. Or bitch. Or booyah… but it still notified them, okay? Get off me. I would really like to get fit, so I need someone to compete with. And not someone like Jay who works out once a week while I’m pulling two-a-days… It can’t be that easy. But I want to start after I go to the fair this Sunday. And next Friday. And possibly next Saturday… Let’s just be safe and start this thing when the fair ends after the 4th of July.

I officially became a soccer fan at 2:12.

Drake (feat. Jhene) – July
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Drake – July.mp3]

They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

I’ve got such a boner for beards.

Pajiba.com came out with a random list of the Five Most Impressive Beards in Hollywood. Ryan Reynolds rightfully snagged #5, while the #1 beard went to Katie Holmes LOL.

Chel’s stepmom threw her a bridal shower this weekend. It wasn’t half as crazy as the bachelorette party, but my aunts still dropped it low with bananas tied around their waists (is it just my dirty family, or do most of the games at your family parties involve bananas, too?). The highlight of my evening was when Chel’s baby brother found a leftover stripper dollar tucked in between the couch cushions.

Pammie, Shi and I gave Chel this Nixon watch she has been lusting after for years. I’m not sure why she was so surprised that I kept that email where she told us about it… I still have handwritten letters dating back to sixth grade. I also have 19 saved voice messages that I have to go through every time I get a new voice message on my cell phone. And my inbox is full of saved text messages, so I have to delete a text every time I get a new one. I’m the worst offender when it comes to hoarding things with sentimental value. And if you can’t understand why I can’t bring myself to delete my friend’s text message informing me of Michael Jackson’s death last year, then you are dead to me—I’m talking to you, Shirley May!

Last night, I drank some bubbly and spent hours getting laid.

Okay so maybe that bubbly was a sparkling strawberry lemonade from Sonic. And those hours spent getting laid were really spent making a lei for Chubby’s 8th grade promotion.

My Friday night could not have been less sexy.

The San Diego County Del Mar Fair opens today! I look forward to it every year. Where else can you watch the pig races (my fave), stock up on Quick-n-Brite, see a freakishly large horse, and eat deep fried Twinkies all at the same place? Is it weird that my heart started to race when I saw the new fair food map?

Yowza.

You guys are so obsessed with sports, you wear jerseys for teams you’re not even on. But you think you’re on the team, you’ll be like, “Yeah, last night we just didn’t score enough. We just didn’t play enough defense.” We? The Lakers don’t need you. That’s like me watching Grey’s Anatomy in scrubs, but then after the show is over, being like, “Man, we just could not save that guy.”

That being said, I really thought that we were going to win regionals tonight. I knew I should’ve worn my sequin dress during the season finale of Glee.

Glee Cast – To Sir, With Love
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Glee Cast – To Sir With Love.mp3]

1. Firefighter Tom from Alpine poured tequila down my shirt and did a body shot off my chest (among other things). Let it be known that I’m officially on the prowl for an east county white boy.
2. There was no shortage of penis-shaped food.
3. Preggo bartender Georja kept pumping out those test tube shots!
4. It was an 80s themed party and EVERYONE dressed up. Christine was my fave and looked just like my mom did in the 80s with her acid wash jean jacket and hairsprayed bangs.
5. The porno playing on TV throughout the whole night made it into the background of most of my photos.
6. I spent over $150 at the passion party. I don’t even spend that much on groceries! At least some of the products I bought were edible.

A lot of other things happened that I can’t mention—which is saying a lot considering I told you about that stripper licking tequila off my chest.

By the end of this month, I will have attended three baby showers and two weddings this year—none of which are my own. But I’m not bitter. Maybe a little tired of explaining to my grandma why I’m not married with children, but not bitter.

Making diaper cakes is not nearly as fun as making babies.

(Somewhere right now, my grandma is crying.)

I wasted an hour of my life looking for leg warmers at Parkway Plaza after work today. Are they hard to find because it’s summer or because it’s not 1983??? They’re essential to my outfit for Chel’s highly anticipated 80s/bachelorette/passion party this weekend, and I must have them! Preferably in purple!

The hideousness of this dance will haunt my dreams forever.

Can we go on record and say this is the last picture we’ll be taking at a Salinas fiesta?

Every year, the town my mom is from in the Philippines hosts this fiesta in San Diego. And every year, I look forward to one thing… nachos. It used to be seeing my relatives, but lately we’re the only offspring who show up to this shindig since all of our cousins are too busy reproducing. So as I got ready this morning, the only thing keeping me from staying home were those nachos.

Pammie and I met up with Chel, and I noticed she was eating an empanada. She loves nachos even more than I do (if that’s possible), so I asked her if she had already eaten nachos before we got there, and she tells me they ran out! WTF. We only stayed there long enough to say hello to our aunts and take this one last picture. Boo whore.

Congrats to the Naveas! The table I was assigned to was the last to be served dinner, but the closest to the open bar (clearly the best table).

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

This is my third post this week that has food as its focal point. Someone randomly messaged me and asked where he should buy his girlfriend’s birthday cake yesterday. Do I look like I’ve eaten a lot of birthday cake or something? Because sadly, I have. And if you’re wondering what I suggested, I told him that European Cake Gallery in Point Loma is the place to go! Their White Bavarian cake with fresh strawberries, whipped cream and white chocolate shavings is the best I’ve ever had. And I’ve had a lot.

Anyway, Pizza Port just opened a location in Ocean Beach, and I’m excited because it’s closer than the ones in North County, and it’s near Trace’s house so I’ll have an excuse to see her more often. She couldn’t make it tonight, but Chris, Jay and Liz were able to go.

In preparation for the damage I was going to do at Pizza Port, I got my Slim Fast on at work (I didn’t lunge and squat to an entire Ke$ha song after an hour of kickboxing last night for nothing). Yes, that’s Robert Pattinson on my desktop. And yes, I know that my desktop is littered with an embarrassing number of icons. Get off me.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to have a beer when all I’d had was Slim Fast the whole day. I already felt buzzed by the time our food arrived.

We started with some Garlic Beer Buddies (whole grain beer crust brushed with garlic and deliciousness):

Then we ordered the Meet Extreme Meat pizza. And the Garlic Veggie pizza (pictured). And some wings and cheese sticks, too. In our defense, they were just 35¢ each. It would’ve been ridiculous NOT to get them…

As we rolled ourselves back to the car, we passed by the OB Farmers Market and picked up some mini donuts like we hadn’t just gorged ourselves at Pizza Port:

I wish we would have stopped there, but we hit up Yogurtland before heading home, too. For shame 🙁

(image via the notebook doodles)

The Postal Service – The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/The Postal Service – The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.mp3]

A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I’m just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

At the risk of ruining what glimmer of street cred I might have, I’m going to let you in on my secret shame… I used to be in show choir. I have the sequin dress and nude character shoes to prove it. Fortunately, there’s no audio or video proof, but I think that admitting it is proof enough. Naturally, I fell in love with the TV show, Glee. And yes, I’m a total Gleek… What of it??? Last night, the girls and I headed up to LA to watch them in concert.

I took the day off from work, but was awakened at an ungodly hour by Shi, who loves her job and decided to take a half day instead. I mean, I don’t even know why she went to work at all. I’m sure her day consisted of taking two lunches, removing her nail polish with the cotton balls and nail polish remover she keeps readily available in her office, and calling me six times before 10am. Seriously, can I enjoy?

We picked up Pammie in the OC and stopped at In-N-Out for lunch. With our ridiculous order of extras (extra fries, extra-large drinks, extra-toasted buns, burgers cut in half… who are these people?), I’m surprised we ever made it to LA at all.

The LXD opened for Glee and I was blown away (especially by Madd Chadd Smith and his panty droppin’ chest pops). Def check out their inspiring performance at TED earlier this year. I’ll spare you the rest of the concert details, but the show was amazing. And I’m pretty sure Puck singled me out in the crowd and gave me a thumbs up in this picture. Try not to be too jealous:

We stayed the night at Pammie’s and planned to eat brunch at Break of Dawn in Laguna Hills before heading home:

Little did we know we’d be waking up at the break of dawn, too. Shi needed to be back in SD by noon, so brunch turned into breakfast. 8:30 isn’t too early for a cocktail, is it?

Shi ordered the craziest mac and cheese I’ve ever seen. It had Sicil­ian sausage, short ribs, smoked gouda, tomato carbonara sauce, and was topped with bacon fried eggs:

Pammie and Chel both ordered the green eggs and ham benedict. Would they eat them in a box? Would they like them with a fox? And an even bigger question—how has Shi never heard of Green Eggs and Ham???

I ordered the most sinful thing on the menu… creme brulee french toast. It def beat the strawberries and cream french toast I had from Cafe 21 (and that’s saying something):

Pammie also got promoted to manager of her auditing department yesterday, so I just wanted to say congrats again! I know she won’t be moving back home to San Diego anytime soon, so I guess I’ll just have to keep going up to the OC to visit her. And if I’m forced to eat at Break of Dawn while I’m there, then so be it.

Christine, Shi, Chel and I hit up The Pearl Hotel for dinner, drinks and Dive-in Theatre tonight. They were showing Sex and the City: The Movie poolside, so we thought we’d get together and watch it for the millionth time.

Shi: (looking at the menu) What’s a pom-us fritz?
Mayan: Pommes frites! It’s what you’re eating, crazy! French fries!

I wish I wasn’t so mean about it. Karma’s only a bitch if you are (as I would find out later). How is she supposed to know what pommes frites is, or how to say it? This is the girl who thought we made up the word aioli, after all.

I love it when I arrive for dinner and there’s a cocktail already waiting for me:

Our pommes frites appetizer tasted like skinny In-N-Out fries (my favorite!):

The highlight of my evening… prosciutto-wrapped shrimp skewer with fig/onion marinade:

And the lowlight of my evening… eating shit on the way back to my car with Chel. I tripped over the curb, scraped my elbows and knees, bruised my shins, and ripped a hole in my favorite jeans.

I’m sorry, Shi… You can call it “pom-us fritz” if you want to.

(image via fuckyeahrdj)

I will outclass you so hard you will cry tears.

Here is the aforementioned I ♥ Haters shirt that Shi gave me. Don’t hate. I only wear it when I’m breaking into my own house with no bra on.

I found myself locked out of my house this afternoon. Bra-less.

It was my worst nightmare realized.

I went into the garage to get my bra in my car (don’t ask me why I thought it was in there), and I realized that I had locked the garage door behind me by habit. And then I realized that my bra wasn’t in my car. And then I realized that I was fucked.

I found the “I ♥ Haters” shirt Shi had given me in my trunk, so I threw that on. I knew that my bedroom window was open, but my room is on the second floor. I went into the backyard and scaled the fence like a ninja. I stood there for a few minutes staring at the gap between the roof I needed to jump on and the top of the fence where I stood. I just kept imagining myself lying on the ground with my legs broken… my “I ♥ Haters” shirt over my head, exposing me in all my bra-less glory while I waited for someone to help me. And so I decided to explore other options.

I went around the back and checked to see if I left the sliding door open after I let Rocky out. But of course, today was the one day I remembered to lock it. I didn’t think that the front window would be unlocked, since I never open it, but I checked it anyway, and it was! I took the screen door off, slid the window open and climbed inside. During all that commotion, Rocky just lay there on the couch staring at the wall. Useless!

Here’s what I’ve learned from this experience:

1. It’s a little too easy to break into my house.
2. Don’t take your bra off in your car.
3. Get a dog that will at least try to look alive when someone is potentially breaking into your house.

You can’t talk, I’m anxious
I’m off the walls, I’m right here just
Come outside, and see it
But pack your heart, you might need it

My coworker ate shit, split her lip and nearly broke her arm while walking to work today. As someone whose legs are permanently scarred (and ruined!) from falling down the stairs last Halloween, I empathized and tried to ease her pain with an Iced Caramel Macchiato and a ride home from work. She loves Chelsea Lately and would definitely appreciate this quote:

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

Luckily, I have friends who escort my drunk ass out before the bouncer does. The same friends also take incriminating cell phone pictures of me passed out in hotel bathrooms and whip them out amongst strangers, but that’s neither here nor there.

This is the fifth site that has featured the wedding invitations I designed for Chel. Yay us!

Every night after work, I begrudgingly drag my ass to the gym. But today, I finally found my motivation. Turbo Kickboxing Instructor Mike, where have you been all my life??? It will be like that summer I took that art class in college with that hot teacher and had unusually perfect attendance that quarter 😉

Update: I just googled Mike to see what gyms he regularly teaches at since he subbed my class today, and his personal training site lists him as MARRIED (of course he is). Come to think of it, that hot art teacher from college was married, too.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure God wants me to die alone. And possibly out of shape.

My life is in shambles. I pretty much have no reason to live now that they’ve canceled the 91X morning show (again). They already broke my heart in 2007 when they fired Cantore. My morning commute to work won’t be the same without the Drunk Dial Line (often powered by the Lakeside double-wide division) and the always awesome Mat Diablo. Seriously, what’s up with me and my tendency towards married men with children???

Here’s Mat with my other love, Sam the Cooking Guy (who’s also married with children):

Now if they decide to cancel Sam the Cooking Guy’s show, I will have to kick whoever’s responsible square in their taco. Don’t think I won’t!

If my mom had taught me how to cook, I would have made her brunch today. Instead, my aunts came down from LA for Mother’s Day and made these nutella-filled ebleskivers. I inhaled maybe twenty of them, give or take a few. Fucking Europeans trying to sabotage me with their delicious treats. It’s not racist if it’s a compliment, right? Is that how it works?

Aww, check out my mom with her mom on Mother’s Day weekend. I know what you’re all thinking… Yes, my beautiful mother looks freakishly young for a woman in her fifties. And yes, my children will be just as blind as us four-eyed freaks. I would say that 20/20 vision should be a requirement for my future baby daddy, but the pool keeps shrinking the closer I get to my dirty thirties, so I think it would be wise not to discriminate, don’t you?

I’m all about good food and good drinks with good friends, and this diet is just ruining my life. I don’t even know who I am right now. Did I really say no to Cinco de Drinko at D&B’s with Jay and his coworkers AND margaritas at Ortega’s with Shi and her coworkers this week? I think the bigger question is what’s the deal with me hanging out with my friends and their coworkers??? As a general rule, I don’t go out with the people I work with. At least not since my manager’s drunken birthday disaster of 2008. Yikes. Anyway, with only six weeks left till Chel’s wedding, I’ve been eating bird portions and hitting the gym every night in a late attempt to fit into the bridesmaid dress I purposely (and over ambitiously) ordered three sizes too small. Apparently, losing 25 pounds wasn’t enough. It would’ve been, had I lost it all in my chest. As I always say, these ladies are a blessing and a curse. This sudden spike in turbo kickboxing classes has also left me with some seriously sore stems. I have to admit, walking around like I’ve just been butt-raped has been very humbling.