mayanrocks.com » relationships
Almost.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012

you and me and never us; a complicated series of almost interactions

Surviving.
Monday, July 9, 2012

All or nothing was bullshit. It never worked out that way. Life was all about taking what you could get when you could get it and surviving when it wasn’t enough.

– Maya Banks
Spill.
Friday, June 29, 2012

tyler knott typewriter series

Hooked.
Monday, June 18, 2012

himym hooked i just can't be with you right now

ROBIN: She’s got you on the hook.
TED: What? I’m not on the hook.
ROBIN: Ted, “right now” is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase.
MARSHALL: Yup. “Right now” paints a picture of some sort of magical future time when everything will work out, but the truth is, that will never happen.
ROBIN: You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around—it’s a nice little ego boost. She’s stringing you along. She’s not committing to you, but she’s keeping you around just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.

Um, who’s buying canned chili and not eating it immediately???

Dream.
Friday, June 15, 2012

you were in my dream last night and i kissed you right on your goddamn face

Tough.
Monday, June 11, 2012

how i met your mother - the rebound girl - it gets pretty tough

Barnito Supreme speaks the truth.

Desire.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012

i desire the things which will destroy me in the end - sylvia plath
You can’t save a damsel if she loves her distress…

White Fang.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012

new girl white fang new girl white fang
new girl white fang new girl white fang
Passion.
Friday, May 4, 2012

new girl passion

RUSSELL: Look, Jess, I’ve already done the crazy, explosive passion thing. When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper… I’m not looking for that anymore.
JESS: I understand. But I am. And I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.

Fingers Crossed.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Is it just me, or does everyone else’s room get a little dusty whenever they watch google chrome commercials?

Sports Fish.
Sunday, April 22, 2012

A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women. It’s not the guy who determines whether you’re a sports fish or a keeper—it’s you. Every word you say, every move you make, every signal you give to a man will help him determine whether he should try to play you, be straight with you, or move on to the next woman to do a little more sport fishing.

– Steve Harvey, Think Like a Man

Mr. Hightower speaks an insane amount of truth.

I have found my new spiritual leader. Teach me your ways, oh wise one.

The Rocket.
Saturday, April 21, 2012

rocket dual beer bong

My ex invited me to his birthday party next weekend where he plans to resurrect the infamous rocket. I’m pretty sure I left my beer bonging days where I left my ex-boyfriend… in 2005 where they belong!

Open Flame.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012

we're all drawn to the warmth of a true connection, but don't stand too close to an open flame; someone will surely get burned. - revenge

Mediocre.
Sunday, April 8, 2012

Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.

The Wrong Place.
Sunday, April 8, 2012

Via Slowly, But Shirley:

the office stress relief pam

He said that you told him how much you love me.

About how you feel when I walk in a room.

About how you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

And I guess he had never felt that way with my mom, even at their best.

There’s usually a scene in all my favorite shows that never fails to get me all choked up… like this scene from The Office where they explain how Jim’s feelings about Pam is what caused Pam’s dad to decide to leave her mom. Sometimes getting a taste of how things should be makes you realize you’re in the wrong place…

Promise.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012

happy endings dave and penny

DAVE: You might not meet not somebody tonight, but you will meet someone.
PENNY: You promise?
DAVE: Yes… as long as you promise to stop slobbering all over the champagne.
PENNY: I can’t promise that.

Deal breaker.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012

you're cute but you don't like bacon someecard

This is pretty much how I approach telling someone that we can never be together.

Unfinished.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012

unfinished himym

ROBIN: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn’t exist. It just… ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be—

TED: Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that’s not usually how it goes. Most of the time it’s just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be…

Waiting.
Sunday, March 4, 2012

beginners movie lion and giraffe

HAL: Well, let’s say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn’t come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.
OLIVER: I’d wait for the lion.
HAL: That’s why I worry about you.

Charlotte Sometimes.
Monday, February 20, 2012

Charlotte Sometimes is on The Voice! Waves & The Both Of Us got me through some shit with Il Postino years ago! So excited to see her on the show. Now I have a reason to watch besides Adam Levine’s beard (as if that wasn’t reason enough).

Charlotte Sometimes – Pilot
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Charlotte Sometimes – Pilot.mp3]

And when I say that you should stay
Remember what I’m drinking’s cheap
And I’m a pilot and I am steering deep

Timing.
Monday, January 23, 2012

how i met your mother - the best man - chemistry and timing - robin sherbatsky

If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing. Timing. But timing’s a bitch.

The problem is…
Wednesday, November 16, 2011

the problem is you're never all that far - ache in my heart

Boys.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011

mindy kaling - is everyone hanging out without me?

Why You Need A Man, Not A Boy | Mindy Kaling via Glamour

  Until I was 30, I dated only boys. I’ll tell you why: Men scared the sh*t out of me. Men know what they want. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn’t on the floor. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they’re thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before.

OK, maybe men aren’t exactly like this. But this is what I’ve cobbled together from the handful of men I know or know of, ranging from Heathcliff Huxtable to Theodore Roosevelt to my dad. The point: Men know what they want, and that is scary.

What I was used to was boys.

Boys are adorable. Boys trail off their sentences in an appealing way. Boys get haircuts from their roommate, who “totally knows how to cut hair.” Boys can pack up their whole life and move to Brooklyn for a gig if they need to. Boys have “gigs.” Boys are broke. And when they do have money, they spend it on a trip to Colorado to see a music festival.

Boys can talk for hours with you in a diner at three in the morning because they don’t have regular work hours. But they suck to date when you turn 30.

So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying man. I don’t care if he takes prescription drugs for cholesterol or hair loss. (I don’t want that, but I can handle it. I’m a grown-up too.)

When I was 19, my co-worker Mike took one look at my 21-year-old boyfriend and told me that I needed to date a real man (Mike was 30 with tattoo sleeves on both arms—I’m pretty sure he was talking about himself). Fast forward 10 years, and I’m still not dating real men! Maybe I’ll consider upgrading when I turn 30… in 3 months. Yikes.
Let’s rewind.
Monday, October 17, 2011

goldspot - let's rewind - how i met your mother - asking you to stay the words are finally here

Goldspot – Rewind
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/GoldSpot – Rewind.mp3]

Edge of Desire.
Thursday, September 8, 2011

john mayer - edge of desire - there i just said it i'm scared you'll forget about me

Drama Club.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011

hello september

Quote of the day:

If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.

Dinner with friends turned into an emergency girl boy session at Station Tavern last night. Afterward, I polished off an entire bottle of wine by myself like I was the one hurting! Or… like it was just another Tuesday. Ha.

August was a tough month for love! Hello, September. I hope you’re amazeballs.

Amas Veritas.
Saturday, August 27, 2011

amas veritas practical magic spell

The universe is obvi confused about what we want, judging by the excessive amount of emergency girl sessions, tears and vino consumed this past month. So the girls and I wrote our own letters to the universe last night and lit that shit on fire.

We were enjoying some sangria afterward when the man at the neighboring fire pit offered us some brisket. Was the universe answering my letter already? Maybe I should have been more specific when I said I wanted more meat in my life!

Rush.
Sunday, August 7, 2011

you can only put the past away for so long... there will be days it will come rushing back

The hitch.
Thursday, August 4, 2011

Ubiquitous, adj.

When it’s going well, the fact of it is everywhere. It’s there in the song that shuffles into your ears. It’s there in the book you’re reading. It’s there on the shelves of the store as you reach for a towel and forget about the towel. It’s there as you open the door. As you stare off into the subway, it’s what you’re looking at. You wear it on the inside of your hat. It lines your pockets. It’s the temperature.

The hitch, of course, is that when it’s going badly, it’s in all the same places.

– David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary
Nostalgia.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011

nostalgia

Broken.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011

you can't just drop something and expect it to be all fine and normal at the very least you broke it

Mistake.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011

‘It was a mistake,’ you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.

– David Levithan
Re: Stacks.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bon Iver – Re: Stacks
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Bon Iver – Re Stacks.mp3]

Everything that happens from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed

You were having a shitty day at work today, so I shared my favorite Bon Iver song with you to make you feel better. And then I found out what you did. Now every time I hear this song, I’ll be reminded of the exact moment you lost me as a friend.

Friends.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011

friends - i'm sorry did my back hurt your knife?

Nothing a bottle of sauv blanc can’t fix… especially when you’re drinking it with your REAL girlfriends.

Language.
Sunday, July 24, 2011

So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys—to woo women—and, in that endeavour, laziness will not do.

– John Keating, Dead Poet’s Society
Risk.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011

the risk i took was calculated, but man am i bad at math

Match.
Monday, July 18, 2011

Match.com coupon

Should I consider it a warning sign that my manager sent me this coupon? I still haven’t decided whether I’m offended or secretly grateful! Ha. In her defense, she met her boyfriend on Match.com.

As much as I hate having to charm my way into free drinks at bars, I just can’t bring myself to meet a guy in a place where 15% off coupons are accepted.

488.
Saturday, July 16, 2011

500 days of summer

TOM: Why’d you dance with me?
SUMMER: ‘Cause I wanted to.
TOM: You just do what you want, don’t you?

Bottled away.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011

the past

The Limit to your Love.
Saturday, June 25, 2011

Clouds part
Just to give us a little sun
There’s a limit to your love

What if.
Friday, June 24, 2011

you will always be my biggest what if

Ashes & Wine.
Friday, June 24, 2011

A Fine Frenzy – Ashes & Wine
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/A Fine Frenzy – Ashes And Wine.mp3]

Is there a chance
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel
A reason to fight

Laugh, cry and everything in between.
Monday, May 9, 2011

I’ve read your entire blog from beginning to end and it made me laugh, cry and everything in between. When I was reading I kept thinking, you’re so honest and you’re not afraid to say what you feel. If I ever bump into you on the streets of SD I would totally give you a big hug and say, Thank you!

Cat T.

Holy balls! Beginning to end??? When I started this blog in 2003, all I talked about was concerts, food and my boyfriend. 8 years later, I’m still blogging about concerts, food and my (now ex) boyfriends! Some things never change…

I feel like I lead a different life on the interwebs, because IRL I’m not this candid. Here, I’m not afraid to admit that I still think about you without feeling like a total idiot… Maybe you’ll read it, but most likely you won’t. It’s easier to say these things when you think that no one is listening.

If you were able to identify with anything I’ve written these past 8 years, then I’m glad you found my blog 🙂

Somewhere only we know.
Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Warblers – Somewhere Only We Know (Keane Cover)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Glee – Somewhere Only We Know.mp3]

And if you have a minute why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go somewhere only we know

The Lover’s Dictionary.
Friday, May 6, 2011

the lover's dictionary david levithan

dispel, v.
It was the way you said, “I have something to tell you.” I could feel the magic drain from the room.

The Lover’s Dictionary, David Levithan
Dignity.
Sunday, April 10, 2011

pleasantville reese witherspoon

At Alicia’s dirty thirty last night, I realized that A) I should just automatically assume that every guy who pursues me is in a relationship (as my ongoing track record suggests) and B) maybe I shouldn’t have worn leggings. I can’t even tell you how many people grabbed my ass! I went home alone last night and I’m not gonna lie, I feel pretty good about not having to take a shame shower. I don’t care how hot you are (or how drunk I am), some guys just aren’t worth the trouble… I may have woken up this morning with dollar bills in my bra and a serious hangover, but at least I still had my dignity!

This must be how Reese Witherspoon felt in Pleasantville when she started reading books and stopped being such a whore.

Eventually.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011

what is truly yours would eventually be yours and what is not no matter how hard you try will never be

Fantasy.
Monday, March 28, 2011

ugly betty - grin and bear it - 2x04 - henry and betty

HENRY: I didn’t want to tell you, because as long as you didn’t know, there was still… I don’t know… some fantasy where you and I could be together.
BETTY: Sometimes we want things to be different. We think maybe if we pretend that they are… fool people… that’s enough. But it never is.

I have a habit of getting addicted to shows after they’ve already been canceled. And I hate when they say, “To be continued…” at the end of an episode, because even when it’s past my bedtime, I have to continue.

Attention to detail.
Thursday, February 24, 2011

couple painting

nedhepburn:

  This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

But it still holds as one of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that – more often than not – she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate each other at the end. And you might walk away from each other one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.
She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.
She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time.
She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes a hold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that – gone. Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin. She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile.

And you know what? That’s all that really matters in the end.

Someone Like You.
Sunday, February 13, 2011

Adele – Someone Like You (Live Acoustic)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Adele – Someone Like You (Live Acoustic).mp3]

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

People in love…
Saturday, February 5, 2011

nikita - coup de grace

Prince Erik: People in love don’t try to kill each other.
Nikita: Are you serious?

Wonder.
Friday, January 28, 2011

Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again. Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them. Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

– The Wonder Years
Absurd.
Monday, January 24, 2011

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd; the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.

– Fernando Pessoa
Blue Valentine.
Friday, January 7, 2011

Can’t wait to watch Blue Valentine tonight with the girls!

Another chance.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Nothing in this universe happens just once. Infinity goes in both directions. There is no unique event, no singular moment. It means you will get another chance.

– Bones
Happy Sad Hour.
Saturday, October 23, 2010

love boat sushi and elephant bar rancho bernardo

I know five* couples who have called it quits these past few weeks. Okay so maybe three of those couples are celebrities. Technicalities. Nobody stays together anymore… not even Christina Aguilera and her husband.

I met up with the girls and Anthony for sushi and drinks last night. As I listened to them talk about broken engagements, unofficial relationships, ex’s reaching out to them while they’re married… I had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation in regard to myself, and I guess that’s a good thing for once. So much for happy hour! Almost everyone I know is in some kind of relationship, whether it’s between a husband and wife, a man and someone else’s wife, a girl and her long distance love, or a boy and his fleshlight. Even though I miss being in a relationship sometimes, I don’t miss all the drama that comes along with it, and was happy to drink my mai tai in silence.

*Update: Six couples now. 2010 has def been the year of babies and breakups.

John Hughes did not direct my life.
Friday, October 15, 2010

easy a lawnmower

Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.

– Easy A
The Only Exception.
Monday, September 27, 2010

Glee Cast – The Only Exception (Paramore Cover)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Glee Cast – The Only Exception.mp3]

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

One of my favorite songs covered by one of my favorite TV shows ♥

Lost.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. And for everything you gain, you lose something else.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only thing.
Monday, August 23, 2010

the only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it

(image via plastic-sfoonss)

Home.
Thursday, August 5, 2010

The most beautiful discovery true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.

– Elisabeth Foley

I saw an old friend today. Even though our lives are so different now, it was like nothing had changed… him in his Obey shirt, me in my Reefs. Seeing him makes me miss him.

At some point.
Saturday, July 24, 2010

there isn't a day that goes by where i don't at some point think of you

I love VD.
Sunday, July 11, 2010

vampire diaries

Pammie and I stayed home the entire weekend and watched a Vampire Diaries marathon. It was glorious.

(This is why I’m single.)

A brief moment of insanity.
Thursday, July 8, 2010

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn’t all you thought it was. Someone walked into your life, you fell in love, or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe it was a brief moment of insanity.

The BFF told me about Il Postino’s new girlfriend today, and I felt nothing. It’s funny how I always used to find myself running back to him, for some reason, thinking it would work out differently the second third fourth fifth time. And now, I can’t think of a single reason why I’d ever want him back.

Listen to your heart.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010

listen to your heart

Prints of this illustration I designed are now available in my Etsy shop for $10! They are 11″ x 17″ and professionally printed by digital press on 100 lb. paper gloss.

Chase.
Saturday, June 26, 2010

A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run. Sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.

– Helen Rowland

If I haven’t returned any of your messages in months, what made you think I’d appreciate the 1am phone call?

Connected.
Thursday, May 27, 2010

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

– Sigmund Freud
Motivation.
Thursday, May 13, 2010

Every night after work, I begrudgingly drag my ass to the gym. But today, I finally found my motivation. Turbo Kickboxing Instructor Mike, where have you been all my life??? It will be like that summer I took that art class in college with that hot teacher and had unusually perfect attendance that quarter 😉

Update: I just googled Mike to see what gyms he regularly teaches at since he subbed my class today, and his personal training site lists him as MARRIED (of course he is). Come to think of it, that hot art teacher from college was married, too.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure God wants me to die alone. And possibly out of shape.

I’ve got these habits that I cannot break.
Monday, May 3, 2010

Neon Trees – Sins of My Youth

Call me crazy, I was born to make a mess
Would you love me still if I were to confess
That I had a little too much fun back when I was young
I’ve got these habits that I cannot break
And as I’m older there is more at stake
Go ahead and call me fake, but these are the sins
The sins of my youth

Inside job.
Sunday, May 2, 2010

I’ve got wallowing down to a science… I spent the better half of 2006 perfecting it, after all. I’m not gonna lie, my usual method of getting over someone is by getting under someone else. But I’m realizing that happiness is an inside job. I can’t sit here waiting for another guy to come along to stop wallowing about the last one. One day, you just have to decide not to be sad anymore. And that day was today. Well, actually it was Friday, but killing a few bottles of wine with Anthony foiled that plan. And then I decided it was yesterday. But while getting drinks with friends, one of the employees came up to our table and asked if any of us were he who shall not be named, because he who shall not be named had a phone call. Coincidence or cruel joke? As I walked out wondering if it was a sign, I looked up to the sky, dramatically shook my fist at the heavens, and almost got hit by a car. And so I decided that today would be the day (again). It’s barely noon, but I’m feeling optimistic. I mean, I’m going to Phil’s for lunch… If a beefy rib tickler isn’t guaranteed happiness, I don’t know what is.

Waiting.
Friday, April 30, 2010

i'm waiting for something that's never going to happen

Letting go.
Thursday, April 29, 2010

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

I has a sad.
Thursday, April 29, 2010

i has a sad lolcat

No matter what.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010

when the past comes knocking

Lost.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It’s a lot easier to be lost than found. It’s the reason we’re always searching and rarely discovered—so many locks, not enough keys.

– Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key
As it was.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010

lipstick stained coffee

Since the first day you reached out to me, I kept searching for hints of the relationship you kept from me. I couldn’t see it in the description of your morning routine or your weekend recaps, but I could feel it in your absent admission to the contrary. I planned to keep quiet and let this fade out, as I do with everything else I feel isn’t worth fighting for. But this was you. And to me, you have always been worth it. So I finally got up the nerve to say,

Are you seeing anyone?

I knew the answer before I even asked the question. I should have asked you this in the beginning, but I convinced myself that you wouldn’t hide something like that from me. Except you did. And while you justified it by not doing anything more than correspond back and forth, the line was already crossed when you first contacted me, and you’ve been on the other side of it ever since.

At least I know that you didn’t just dismiss me as some reckless fling you had when we were younger. I can’t be mad at you for wanting to talk to me, but what was the point of this, other than resurrecting all these memories I haven’t thought about in years? It’s like you just came back to remind me that you still can’t do this. Even if you didn’t know what you were looking to get out of this in the beginning, you made the choice not to tell me about her for months. What did you want from me?

You and I will always have some unfinished business, but eventually, it’ll be as it was. You’ll forget about me. I’ll forget about you.

Absence.
Monday, April 26, 2010

absence polaroid

You’ve been out of my life for years, but somehow your absence is more tangible now than it ever was. How can I miss something I never had?

Nostalgia.
Sunday, April 25, 2010

and suddenly i felt nothing fight club

Well, I’d say I’ve successfully fulfilled my nostalgia quota for the week year.

This trip down memory lane ended at my old friend/ex-love’s 30th birthday party last night. It’s strange to see someone you’ve spent so much of your life with and feel nothing… And to think of someone else you didn’t spend nearly enough time with and feel everything.

After all these years.
Saturday, April 24, 2010

dandelion quote

Something more.
Saturday, April 24, 2010

She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps. Or maybe a quiet, heartfelt conversation into the wee hours of the night. Or perhaps something as simple as not being second.

Everything changed.
Saturday, April 24, 2010

everything changed nothing is different

(image via thewordsalloverme)

Definition.
Saturday, April 24, 2010

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Time machine.
Friday, April 23, 2010

you make me wish i had a time machine

(image via the beholder)

Edge of Desire.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me
‘Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me

Screwed.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010

what you don't know can't hurt you. it's what you suspect that screws everything up.

Looks like rain tonight.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010

it looks like rain tonight

Yesterday, there was an unexpected venti iced sugar-free vanilla soy latte waiting for me at my desk when I got to work in the morning. Christine treated me out to pizza and beer at Pizza Port for dinner. And then I ended the night at an amazing $10 Temper Trap show with my girls.

Today was nothing like yesterday.

(image via thresca)

Today (and every day).
Tuesday, April 20, 2010

i curse the day you were born

So make a move.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010

if you're wondering if i want you to, i want you to

Weezer – (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/weezer-iwantyouto.mp3]

If you’re wondering if I want you to
I want you to
So make a move
‘Cause I ain’t got all night

Door to the past.
Monday, April 12, 2010

friends - i'm sorry, apparently i opened the door to the past

I just received an invitation to my ex‘s dirty 30th. It has been years since I’ve seen him and even longer since we’ve dated. It seems like only yesterday I designed the flyer for his 21st birthday. Haha. This should be interesting.

Can’t stop.
Sunday, April 11, 2010

i can't stop thinking about you

(image via luftschloss)

Look where your mind goes.
Monday, April 5, 2010

if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders

No exceptions.
Saturday, April 3, 2010

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

– He’s Just Not That Into You
What are you waiting for?
Monday, March 29, 2010

Oh, oh, I want some more
Oh, oh, what are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Here comes…
Tuesday, March 23, 2010

here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

Always a bridesmaid.
Sunday, March 14, 2010

Chel asked me a burning question I’m sure you’ve all been losing sleep over…

Am I going to have a +1 at her wedding???

I’ve spent the past couple of days mulling over this question. I thought about it while we waited in line for Alice in Wonderland, and Chel asked everyone except me who was the funnier one in their current relationships (you don’t need to ask me who was funnier in all my past relationships—I’m clearly a riot). The four of us have been attached at the nip for as long as I can remember, and I have always been the single one out. Sure, a couple of them have been single while I was single (and for a very brief moment we all were single), but I’m the only one who is ever single alone. I thought about it again when I went to dinner with my sister earlier tonight, and we ran into two of her ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. I realized that all of them were engaged—her ex-boyfriend and all of his ex’s, my sister included.

I’m almost certain that my status will remain unchanged three months from now. That’s not me being pessimistic; I’m actually quite the opposite. I think I see the good in people too often, thinking that they’re worth more than they really are… even though they continue to disprove me repeatedly. It doesn’t help that today marks a full week since Il Postino did me dirty again (and not in a good way), and as predicted, no apologies have been offered.

And so I told Chel that I won’t be needing a +1. She already has 300 guests. I don’t want her spending another $50 on dinner for this tentative +1 of mine. Alas, I will be the only one out of five bridesmaids and two maids of honor without a date. And if you’re reading this thinking, “Damn, I really wanted to be your +1…” then maybe you should stop stalking me on the internet and make movements instead—yes, I’m talking to you, Anthony!

Learn from the past.
Thursday, March 11, 2010

the lion king

He’ll never learn, cabrona. But then again, neither will you…

– A. Real

(image via sberon)

Waiting.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010

spongebob squarepants

SpongeBob: What do you usually do when I’m gone?
Patrick: Wait for you to come back.

(image via sanahasflickr.)

I’ll always think of him fondly.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I’ll always think of him fondly. As an asshole.

– Sex and the City
Love doesn’t exist unless…
Monday, February 22, 2010

valentine's day movie

For some people, love doesn’t exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people.

– Valentine’s Day
Carousel.
Saturday, February 20, 2010

Another 3am text message from Il Postino this weekend. It’s always back and forth with us. He drunk messages me one weekend. I do it the next. He does it again, but this time he’s just trying to be funny—”trying” being the operative word here. I know he’s mocking my drunken text from the weekend before, so I tell him he’s lucky I’m awake at that unholy hour. And then I remember that I purposely ignored his messages on Valentine’s Day, so he thinks things are okay between us now that I’ve broken my silence. Every time I get off this carousel, I just get back on again, spinning around and around knowing this ride always makes me sick.

Just another weekend.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010

chel and flex, tapioca express, the local, dear john

I was really dreading this past weekend, but it actually wasn’t half bad 🙂 On Friday, Shi, Ella, Sha and I did what any other masochistic group of single girls would do on Valentine’s Day weekend—we watched Dear John (aka Sobfest 2010). Christine gave it half a thumb, but I actually liked it! I cried throughout the entire movie. It definitely didn’t touch The Notebook, but I’d recommend at least renting it when it’s released (if only to see Channing Tatum running around half naked).

I drowned my sorrows at The Local with the girls and Antonio Saturday night. Fifty dollars, six cranberry vodkas, two slices of New York pizza, and one drunken text to the ex later (yikes), I called it a night at four in the morning.

I woke up on Sunday with a hangover and a text back from Il Postino. I didn’t get back to him—he drunk messaged me three times the weekend before, so I thought I didn’t have to explain myself. The girls all texted me to make sure that I wasn’t going to throw myself off a bridge before spending the day with their significant others, and I even got a V-Day greeting from the Cake Boss (which I also ignored). Shi invited me to brunch, but I felt too sick to eat anything at that ungodly hour. I spent the majority of my day designing Chel’s wedding invitation while watching Lifetime’s Lovers Lane Movie Marathon (don’t judge me). Sitting through all 120 minutes of Flirting with Forty was worth discovering Robert Buckley. Hot damn. I don’t usually like blondes, but I’ll make an exception for this one.

Il Postino texted me after midnight—and after he had gotten home from his Valentine’s date, I’m sure—saying thanks for (not) returning the drunken text and he hoped I had a great Valentine’s Day. Number one… how dare you? And number two… don’t call me past 11pm. It was late, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to respond, so I didn’t. I like how we only talk to each other when we’re intoxicated and/or at an indecent hour. Don’t make me that girl that you only call after midnight—especially not on Valentine’s Day. And especially not when I used to be that girl you’d take roller skating on a random Tuesday before the street lights came on.

I would just like to be involved with someone who values me enough to call me at a respectable hour… someone who would maybe take me to Birch Aquarium to look at moon jellies, grab some dinner afterwards (nothing fancy), and maybe share a Churros Con Chocolate cupcake from Cups. Or even a churro from Costco would be fine by me. You know, I don’t ask for much (and I also don’t get much, either… go figure).

On Monday, Chel, Shi and I had a three hour sesh at Tap Ex. We always find time for each other. These girls are my heart. They make me realize that I’m better off without these jerkoffs I keep involving myself with. And they completely understand when I blow them off to watch meteor showers with the same jerkoffs ♥

The sun shines out of your ass.
Monday, February 15, 2010

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

– Juno
All the single ladies.
Sunday, February 14, 2010

valentine's day ring

(image via someecards)

I could never be jello.
Saturday, February 13, 2010

A food analogy if you will, it’s like a redneck preferring a sloppy joe to a fine cut of filet mignon—he’s too uncouth to appreciate you.

– Jesse
If I could be who you wanted all the time.
Friday, February 12, 2010

if i could be who you wanted all the time

And it wears me out
It wears me out

(image via vivatregina)

Blast from the past.
Saturday, February 6, 2010

hey babe, wanna come over to myspace so i can twitter your yahoo 'til you google all over my facebook?

Someone I used to know emailed me out of the blue last week. We were just teenagers when we knew each other. He was a part of my past that I thought would never come back—sort of like the tongue ring I used to have when I knew him. And the brown chola lip liner I used to wear. Yet there was his name in lowercase letters waiting for me in my inbox. He said that he looked me up online and stumbled upon my blog. I cyberstalk google random people all the time, but I don’t think I’ve ever contacted anyone I don’t talk to anymore. I’m really horrible at keeping in touch. Before I know it, days, months, and years go by. Like January 2010, for example. I’m still in denial it ever happened. How is it February already??? Sometimes I feel like it’s too late to say anything… I’m glad people think otherwise, though. It was really nice to hear from him (and only a little bit creepy).

I was curious about what other details of my life surfaced when he looked me up online, so I googled myself. I’m quite the social networking butterfly—my Facebook, Myspace and Twitter accounts came up first. I can only handle one social network at a time, so I haven’t touched my Myspace since I joined Facebook, and my tweets are few and far between (to the dismay of @idntfd—he thinks my life is far more interesting than it really is). Nothing too embarrassing or too personal came up, though… unless you count my old Xanga page—complete with a rotating icon of me, my ex, and my aforementioned tongue ring. Yikes.

Don’t call me past 11pm.
Saturday, February 6, 2010

zooey is not your late night booty call

I woke up to three messages on my phone from Il Postino at two in the morning. Nothing good ever happens at that hour.

(image via thewordsalloverme)

These days.
Sunday, January 31, 2010

these days i seem to think a lot (about you)

A victim of my own optimism.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

– Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love
Pity party, table for one.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I know I have you guys, but—and really, I hate myself a little for saying this—but it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No goddamn soul mate. And I don’t even know if I believe in soul mates.

– Sex and The City

Up until four years ago, I had a boyfriend to wish me happy birthday every year for nearly a decade. I’ve had dates, relationships and what have you over the past few years, but no amount of smizing, hair flips or threats could make them stick around for my birthday. Maybe it’s those crazy wish lists I come up with, I don’t know. I hate how I let this one thing I don’t have affect all the things I do have. I’m so lucky to have such great friends and relatives. I received over fifty birthday greetings via text, Facebook and phone. But the truth is, everything could be going great in my life and none of it would matter if I didn’t have anyone to share it with.

This year was no different. Il Postino knew it was my birthday. He knew. He asked his sister where she was taking me for dinner that morning. I wish she wouldn’t mention me at all around him. I’m almost certain that if we didn’t have her to keep us connected, we would’ve let each other go a long time ago. I never ask for anything. All I wanted was to be acknowledged. He couldn’t even bring himself to—at the very least—leave me a Facebook message wishing me a happy birthday in the most informal way he possibly could. His complete disregard for me stings more than the leopard print body pillow his mom gave me for Christmas.

But in spite of all that, I saw him again last night. I didn’t bring up my birthday. I didn’t bring up the fact that we haven’t spoken since the meteor shower. Disappointment is an emotion I’ve gotten used to wearing around him. He never apologizes for anything, with the exception of that one time last summer—and even that felt like it was court-ordered. I live for these sort of movie moments. That’s all I have with him. Just moments. It’s the reason why I never argue with him. Because no matter how bad it gets, I always come back. So why ruin the moment? When I see him, it’s understood that we revert to the way things used to be between us… when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt, if only for one night. Or maybe I’ve misunderstood all along. Maybe these moments have been meaningless from the start.

I’ve realized that nothing will ever make him sure of me—not the fact that his family adores me, not the familiarity of my lips or the way my hand always fits perfectly in his, not the SpongeBob DVDs I gave him for Christmas that he didn’t bother to acknowledge just like my birthday, and especially not the fact that for reasons I can’t explain, I’ve always been so sure of him.

Pricks.
Sunday, January 17, 2010

We all fall for them. Pricks are spontaneous, unpredictable and fun—and then we’re surprised when they turn out to be pricks.

– Up in the Air
But I like ice cream.
Monday, January 11, 2010

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it’s best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It’s like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won’t give you any. Maybe he’s got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he’s being reasonable from his point of view. So don’t hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It’s ice cream or nothing? Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

– Joey Comeau
FYI.
Friday, December 18, 2009

FYI

Have fun, just don’t have amnesia.
Monday, December 14, 2009

Things just keep going. We didn’t talk about anything heavy or light. We were just there together. And that was enough.

– The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Il Postino and I dated on and off until he broke my heart last winter. He didn’t talk to me for eight months afterwards. He brought a new girl home for Thanksgiving. And the past two times he has contacted me, she just happened to be out of town.

But when I’m with him, I can’t seem to remember any of that.

He took me to see the meteor shower late last night. He picked me up at my apartment and we carried on as if those gaps between our visits didn’t exist. We got to the beach and were literally the only ones there. Maybe the weekend rain had scared everyone off. We lay the blanket on the sand under a patch of sky that wasn’t covered in clouds and waited… I was cozy in his jacket and gloves, with my head resting on his pillow. Michael Jackson songs played on his iPhone while we talked about the movies we had last seen—something we always used to do together. He told me I would like “Leap Year.” I overlooked that he had seen all of these movies with someone else. He said he would be satisfied if he saw twenty-six shooting stars and asked me how much I’d be happy with. I told him that I couldn’t think of a number, but I would just know when the time came. Being there with him was enough for me. I counted thirteen shooting stars and made a handful of wishes before we left. It started raining on the drive home. We both had work in the morning. I didn’t expect him to stay, but he stayed. I noticed that he always sleeps on the right side of the bed. He reached for my hand and closed his fingers over mine. I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He said that he wasn’t. That they were just friends. That they were never a couple. I wanted to believe him. We talked about why I was moving. We talked about his family. He said that his youngest sister has been mad at him since he moved out. I told him that she just misses him. I fell asleep to the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. He stayed with me till morning. And then he left.

If he wanted to be with me right now, he would be with me. I can’t keep putting my life on hold every time he decides to make a cameo. His appearances aren’t without expectations, and I find myself searching for hidden meanings behind his every word and action. I think he doesn’t want to lose me… but he doesn’t want to keep me, either.

Rihanna – “Stupid in Love”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/stupidinlove.mp3]

They’re telling me let go
He is not the one
I thought I saw your potential
Guess that’s what made me dumb

Case of the holidays.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009

christmas ball

Cinematic Orchestra – To Build A Home
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/tobuildahome.mp3]

‘Cause I built a home for you, for me
Until it disappeared from me, from you

(image via weheartit)

Sometimes.
Monday, November 30, 2009

sometimes

(image via Le Love)

Everybody knows.
Sunday, November 29, 2009

John Legend – “Everybody Knows”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/audio/everybodyknows.mp3]

And I hope one day you’ll see nobody has it easy
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best… I guess

Someday.
Sunday, November 29, 2009

someday

(image via lovebot)

October. November. December.
Sunday, November 22, 2009

Lykke Li – “Possibility”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/possibility.mp3]

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know

Regret.
Sunday, November 15, 2009

I regret the way pain has taught me nothing.

– Linda Pastan, “RSVP Regrets Only”
We should talk.
Saturday, November 14, 2009

we should talk

He told me I needed a car wash. My car was always filthy back when we were dating, and I knew he was going to say something when he saw it today. I smiled because I still knew him, but it made me sad that he hadn’t changed. Neither have I, apparently. He hugged me goodbye and held me longer than he should have. Then he left.

He sent me a message a couple weeks ago saying that “we should talk sometime.” I reasoned he was just thinking about me because it was Halloween. We spent Halloween together last year, and he had just seen his niece whose costume I had sewn. Maybe he was lonely that day. He always does this. He says “we should talk,” but I know that he won’t call. And I won’t call. He’s the one who left me. And I never chase. So where does that leave us?

(image via weheartit)

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