It was Shi’s birthday weekend and she wanted to do a sound bath at The Integratron. Chel and I have done it before, but it was Shi, Pammie and Alicia’s first time.
Shi loves Friends, so we got her a bag of crap for her birthday!
It was filled with Friends Bum Bumz! Something I knew Shi would love, but she’d never buy for herself.
This was the perfect place for Shi, because no one loves space like she does (as evident by the picture of her aboard the Starship Enterprise inside her closet in her old bedroom at her parents’ house) 🖖🏼
The Integratron is built on a vortex and is supposed to be a point of concentrated spiritual energy, so of course I had to buy some crystals and palo santo from the gift shop.
While waiting to have dinner at Pappy & Harriet’s, we explored Pioneertown.
We stumbled upon The Rusty Nickel, where you can find ‘Art, Rust, Souvenirs & Dust – Free dust with every purchase!’ It was a weird little shop with oddities. When I was paying for my horror stickers, the lady ringing me up was like, ‘Has anyone ever told you that you sound like Jennifer Tilly?’ The stroke altered my voice, so I’m really self-conscious about speaking aloud. I’ve been told I sound like Marge from The Simpsons, but never Jennifer Tilly! Chel was like, ‘Who’s Jennifer Tilly?’ Uhh, The Bride of Chucky? AKA the highest of compliments LOL.
Without betraying our safe space, I will say lots of tears were shed and we all needed this wellness weekend. It’s easy for me to say what I want to say on this blog, because I know only like one person reads it (Hi, Shi LOL). But I have a hard time talking about my feelings or crying in front of other people. Chel is my cousin, so she’s seen me cry at family funerals at least, Pammie is my sister, so she’s seen me cry and made me cry since I was a baby LOL, Shi is my heart twin and has seen me at my absolute worst, so we’ve both seen each other ugly cry, Alicia thinks I’m perfect and has never seen me cry before this weekend or even heard me fart LOL. If only she knew what a gassy mess I really am.
I think I always thought of crying as a weakness, because my mom is so strong. Whenever she’s been hospitalized, she didn’t even tell her siblings because she didn’t want them to see her like that. She broke her wrist last month, and just casually mentioned it to me and my sister a week after it happened like it was no bigs.
You never know what someone is going through or what they’re struggling with. This weekend taught me that it’s okay to be vulnerable around the people you love…
You’ll be the saddest part of me A part of me that will never be mine It’s obvious Tonight is gonna be the loneliest
I do a lot of things by myself and it usually doesn’t bother me—I live alone, go grocery shopping alone, go to John Mayer concerts alone LOL.
I flew by myself once on Valentine’s Day, and when I was already seated, the flight attendant was like, ‘Are you flying alone?’ I was like, ‘Uh, yes’ and he was like, ‘Do you mind sitting over here so this couple can sit together?’ I’m like, ‘First of all, yes, I mind, and second of all, it’s a fucking 45-minute flight. I think they can manage sitting apart from each other for an hour.’ JK, I totally moved, but only because I was in a middle seat and I was promised a window seat 😆
Over the weekend, I had dinner with my sister and her husband + the bestie’s family for her daughter’s 21st birthday. There was 9 of us total, so 8 of them got the chef’s special (soup, a shared appetizer and an entree). You can only order the chef’s special in pairs, and I was the odd man out as usual, so I just ordered off the regular menu.
Last night, I had a pair of tickets to finally see Chino at The Observatory North Park, but I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go with me. Usually I’d rally and go by myself, but it was a Sunday night, and I had to drive back up to LA after. I work from home, so I could’ve stayed in SD, but I like working in my underwear being in my own space.
I remember when Shi’s husband was talking to my sister’s husband at a party, taking in the craziness around him, and he was like, ‘I wished I met Shi sooner. So I could have had all this with her longer.’ When we told Shi what he had said, she was like, ‘He could’ve had all this sooner!’ 🤣 She liked him for years before he asked her out. Years, y’all. He just wasn’t ready yet.
Anyway, my life is not a movie, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for me. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who treats me like shit or someone mediocre who doesn’t light my heart on fire ✌🏼
I made these cupcakes once when I was dating my bestie’s brother, and their grandpa couldn’t get enough of them. I haven’t seen him in years, but his family would always tell me he still asks about the ‘cupcake girl’ even though my ex is married to someone else now. Sorry, Quinn LOL.
Sadly, their grandpa passed away this week, so I made his favorite cupcakes for my best friend and her family in memory of him.
Jessie and Abe bought a pizza oven for their backyard and hosted their first bumble workshop pizza party of the summer this past weekend.
I’m not sure if it’s because most of my friends are in relationships, or because Jessie’s husband calls me “baby boo” sometimes LOL, but my friends are intent on finding me a baby boo of my own! They set up my bumble profile while I scarfed down breakfast pizza, chamango paletas and hell or high watermelon. I obliged them and swiped right on a few “entrepreneurs” (srsly, what do you do for a living?), but only the girl can initiate the convo within 24 hours after you’ve been matched before the connection disappears forever. Seeing that I never approach guys first and wait till the eleventh hour to do anything, this may not be the best dating app for me haha. I may need a few more bumble workshops thinly disguised as pizza parties to convince me otherwise!
My dear friend, Christine, is officially engaged! Just a year ago, we were livin’ la vida loca in Cabo, and now she’s got a baby and a fiancé! Time moves so quickly around here. It seems like only yesterday, Christine, Jessie and I were at Blind Lady talking about the crapshoot that was the three of us, and now I’m the last one standing! The only time I’ve ever felt bad about being single is when I got into a car accident this year and had to be rescued by someone else’s husband. I was standing there at the auto shop watching them lift my car up, and my best friend’s husband was there talking to the mechanic for me, and my heart sank. Partly because they told me how much it would cost to fix my alignment, but mostly because I forgot how nice it was to have someone there to help me.
The few single friends that I have are serial daters. Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid… If there’s an app for it, they’re on it. And although I pretty much pioneered online dating 20 years ago with my first AOL boyfriend (LoL), I would still prefer to meet someone IRL. Even though most of the guys I meet in real life are assholes. My problem is that I like assholes. If Christine and that rock on her finger taught me anything, it’s that you don’t always end up with the kind of guy you’re used to being with. I definitely have a type. If they’re bearded, witty and/or an asshole, all the boxes are checked. Maybe if I go for a nice guy with a babyface who tells mediocre jokes, the outcome will be different. I guess I’ll never know since the guys my friends want to set me up with have girlfriends already! Ha.
I caught up on seven episodes of How to Get Away with Murder with Pammie over the weekend. I’m dying to know what happens next, but I never watch this show by myself because I get too scared. I can’t wait till I’m home for Thanksgiving to find out who shot Annalise, so someone please come over when the new episode airs this Thursday!
Spoiler Alert: There will be frozen salmon from Costco (it’s the only thing I keep stocked in my fridge because holiday weight) and me with no pants on.
The act of trying to forget someone is a futile one. In order to do so, you are forced to remember. It’s like dieting. Like trying your hardest not to think about food, while weighing every ounce and counting every calorie.
At home, at weekends or whatever, it wells up and I can’t handle it. But most of the time I can just about handle it, you sort of have to get through the day.
One of my randoms who I haven’t seen or responded to in five years hit me up late last night. Who does that??? Please just forget about me, just like you seem to have forgotten that you have a girlfriend and babies at home.
She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because what difference does it make?
If people want to let you go, just let them do it. They may not understand who you are. So don’t play around with fire; don’t give them their cake and let them eat it, too. Here is your rule of thumb: they either commit to you or get none of you.
It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could’ve been. Jim was five feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person, I’m really happy now. But it would just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself, ‘Be strong. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast! Because life just isn’t that long!’
All my favorite vampire couples are breaking up. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the love between immortals. Why even bother setting up an OKCupid profile???
I do try. I’m the one that never calls too often and acts like it’s no sweat. I’m the one that stays busy, a blip here and then there. You won’t find me anywhere too long beyond what is welcome. Right?
Truth is that I am uncool. Goofy when it’s harmless. Frightening when I lose footing. I’m terrified of being seen with my love hanging out.
I know. I’m fooling no one but myself. Everybody knows. Now. I got caught loving, longing, dancing well after the music stopped.
STEFAN: How does anyone ever seem to move on? CAROLINE: I think that someday, you’ll meet someone new, and you’ll fall madly in love, and you’ll have moved on without even realizing it.
Loneliness is lonely. I miss being in love and I miss being loved and I miss belonging to someone and I miss having someone to tell important things to and I worry that my missing those things will affect the choices I make and get me into trouble and I worry that I’ll forever feel like a dust mote floating around without anywhere to settle.
You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies, and you’re calling it love. And in the meantime, you’re letting your whole life pass you by while they raise children, and celebrate anniversaries, and grow old together. You’re frozen in time. You’re holding your breath. You’re a statue waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Living for stolen moments… you keep telling yourself they all add up to something real, because in your mind they have to, but they don’t. They won’t. They never will, because stolen moments aren’t a life. So you have nothing. You have no one.
OLIVIA: I wait for you. I watch for you. My whole life is you. I can’t breathe because I’m waiting for you. You own me, you control me, I belong to you…
FITZ:You own me! You control me. I belong to you. You think I don’t want to be a better man? You think that I don’t want to dedicate myself to my marriage? You don’t think I want to be honorable? To be the man you voted for? I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re the love of my life. My every feeling is controlled by the look on your face. I can’t breathe without you. I can’t sleep without you. I wait for you, I watch for you. I exist for you. If I could escape all of this and run away with you? There’s no Sally and Thomas here. You’re nobody’s victim, Liv. I belong to you. We’re in this together.
…
I stayed home from work for a couple of days this week… partly because I have the flu, but mostly because I wanted to catch up on Scandal!
I may be a little late to this party, but how awesome is this show???
33 Facts You Learn About Mindy Kaling by Hanging Around Her
15. Right now, Kaling is single “and enjoying-slash-tolerating it,” she says. “It seems like when I have a serious relationship with someone, despite my schedule and everything else, they find a time to pursue me and date me. So I have this maybe naïve thing of, like, ‘Well, they’ll just find me.’ You know? ‘They will figure it out and find me and we will work it out.’”
16. It’s a belief that comes from how her parents met: In Nigeria, where her father was the architect designing the wing of the hospital her mother was working in. “She didn’t plan it, it just happened,” says Kaling. “She moved to Nigeria to be a doctor and was just living there and my dad met her and he pursued her. And as my grandmother always said, the best relationships are the ones where the guy likes the girl a little bit more than the girl likes the guy. So great, I’m busy. I’m doing something I love. And if someone really likes me, they will come and find me. I don’t mean that like, ‘Oh come find me.’ Like I’m this little daisy and I’m not a strong woman. I mean that if someone is willing, and they see what my schedule is, and they are really that interested, we’ll find a way. I don’t have to change that much.”
But I believe good things happen everyday. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. That’s life, isn’t it?
heartworm, n.
a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.