*Adds the Claim Jumper on Harbor to our list* 😆

I was woken up today by an earthquake in Malibu. I just went back to sleep, partly because it was 4:22 in the morning, but mostly because the earthquake was only 3.6 (when it comes to earthquakes and boys, I only get up for a 6 or above 😆).

I had to use the stove last night, so I moved my new air fryer toaster oven from on top of the stove to on top of the fridge and pushed the glass canisters of sugar and flour to the edge. ‘They’ll be fine up here as long as there isn’t an earthquake,’ I thought.

This reminds me of the time I moved out of my apartment in La Mesa. Shi and I set my bed frame on its side to see if I could get it out of my bedroom without having to break it down. After finding out it could fit through the door in one piece, we left it propped up against the wall.

This is the conversation that followed:

me: Aren’t you gonna help me put the bed frame back down?
Shi: Just leave it. It’ll be easier to move tomorrow.
me: What if it falls on me while I’m sleeping?
Shi: It’s NOT going to fall on you!
me: But what if there’s an earthquake?
Shi: There’s not going to be a damn earthquake, crazy!

Can you guess what woke me up the next morning? I survived the earthquake, obvi… no thanks to you, Shirley May!

I’ll make concessions for a lot of things as long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, but I draw the line at Raiders fans 😆

There’s this sharp ass agave plant under the doorbell in front of my sister’s house. When I was installing the Ring, I dropped one of the screws and couldn’t get it because it fell into the plant, so I had to order spare parts. Before the spares arrived, my dad tried to get the screw in the plant even though I warned him the plant was really sharp and it was impossible. He ended up poking himself on one of the sharp ass plant spikes and asking for Neosporin. It’s a good thing my sister’s my father’s daughter, because there was Neosporin and sanitizer in her bathroom. I can guarantee you there’s no Neosporin in my apartment in LA 😅

I go to baseball games for the food and post-game fireworks. Also, on my walk this afternoon, this guy who always says hi to me asked me if they won. I was wearing my Padres hat, but mostly to protect my face from the sun 😅 Just like I only wear my Dodgers hat when I have bedhead, and I never wear my Padres hat in LA and vice versa. Good thing I looked up their stats for this chat string, because I was able to tell the guy that they have a night game today, so they haven’t played yet, but they won their last three games 😆

I had a shitty day at work today, so I took a walk to Starbucks, got my steps in, and got my new favorite drink: an Iced Mocha Latte with no whip and 2 pumps of Cinnamon Dolce Syrup (it tastes just like a Mexican mocha!). I feel so much better, but I might have a menty b later, IDK.

Whenever I’m having a shitty day at work, I just remind myself that at least I’m doing better than the people my sister had to lay off today because of a company re-org, and remind myself how much I’m getting paid to put up with this shit 😆

I love Bobby Flay.

Even though I used to think he was an asshole ever since he jumped on the cutting board during an Iron Chef battle against Chef Morimoto in 2000 (I was more offended when he yelled, ‘Raise the roof, yo!’ tbh) and he’s since been thrice-divorced, but I kinda like assholes 🤪

I used to watch him on Throwdown, and now I watch him on Beat Bobby Flay, Bobby’s Triple Threat and BBQ Brawl. He’s still an asshole, but he’s an asshole who can cook 😜

I made Bobby Flay’s Creamed Green Chili Rice with Crispy Baked Chicken Thighs. It turned out amazing even though I had to consult my friend who cooks all the time 😅

Update: I got the stamp of approval from Pammie, Dennis, and my sister’s brother-in-law, Paul, who dropped by for dinner. They finished the rice! I’m finally redeemed from when Pammie and her husband said my adobo was too salty two years ago. Their hurtful comments still keep me up at night 😅

Let it be known that I’m officially on the prowl for a man named ‘Joey’ 😏

A good way to insult me is to say I look darker LOL, and I have never once been mistaken for a local in Hawaii. I’m too fair-skinned and much too loud 😅 (my Cali vernacular screams tourist vibes).

Also, I should clarify that I only got drunk in Christine’s pool because she and her husband were there watching the kids. I don’t drink when I’m watching children (mostly because people never leave their kids with me).

Actual footage of me babysitting:

I’ve dated and been with guys during this timeline, but no one I’d call my boyfriend and def no one I’d marry, have kids with or divorce 😅

Oh, well. I’m just here for the drama 😜

Ever since I repotted our coin plant, most of the leaves have fallen out and it has been slowly dying. My sister texted me this photo of this luscious coin plant at her hotel in Hawaii, and it’s a full moon tonight, so I’m charging my crystals on the rooftop and put the coin plant next to it so it can receive its energy LOL.

Full moon, do your thing ✨

Update:

Dear Shirley May,

Today I walked to Mcdonald’s to get my steps in and say hi to all my dog friends, made cookies for my grandma’s party tomorrow, drove by myself (for the first time since the stroke and didn’t kill anybody!) to Christine’s club pool, and went swimming with her, Francis and the kids. They brought beer and seltzers, and I was way too drunk to drive home, so Christine drove my car home while Francis followed, all the while Dylan was screaming in the backseat, ‘Thank you for the cookies, Auntie Mayan!!!’

So… a typical pre-stroke Saturday 😜

You have a secret lover for five years and no one ever lets you forget it 😅

My dog friends:

My sister and her husband are vacationing in Hawaii for the week. Partly because I didn’t want to schlep all my work shit to my parents’ house (I have to bring my gigantic work-issued desktop, because IT won’t let us access the server from our personal laptops anymore), but mostly because I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t need supervision, I’m staying at my sister’s house by myself.

No secret lovers here! But I will be walking around in my chonies 😜

People think I’m hilarious, IDK why I’m single ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Two natural disasters in one day? I’m ready ✌🏻

We watched It Ends With Us at the theater, and I didn’t read the book or watch the trailer beforehand, but Justin Baldoni directed and starred in it, and I’ll watch anything he’s in. If you don’t know who Justin Baldoni is, he was Raf in Jane the Virgin and the love of my life.

I’m just gonna leave this here 😍

This movie def made me cry, but Christine was crying throughout the entire movie, even the parts that weren’t sad LOL. She was already crying before the movie started when they showed the trailer for We Live In Time. To be fair, I also cried during that trailer.

Christine loves Justin Baldoni, too, so I asked if she’s seen Five Feet Apart, another movie Justin directed but did not star in, and I sobbed through in 2019. She found it streaming on Prime, watched it alone at home, and has been crying all day 😅

Hello
I’ve waited here for you
Everlong

The last time I saw the Foo Fighters was a couple years ago at Innings Fest just a month before their drummer died. Jessie asked me if I wanted her extra tickets, but I’ve been in a mood. If I would’ve known she had a suite, I would’ve snapped out of my mood real quick 😜

Whenever I see someone my age with facial piercings, I’m like, ‘Is that what I look like?’ 😳

When I was younger, I thought I’d love things forever (as evident by the glow-in-the-dark stars still on the ceiling of my old bedroom at my parents’ house that I stuck up there with permanent adhesive). I used to have my tongue pierced, but only took my tongue ring out after I had my lip pierced in my early 20s. I was in the Mcdonald’s drive-thru during covid, and I briefly pulled down my mask, and the guy taking my order made eyes at me and was all, ‘I really like your lip ring.’ I pinned him with a look and was like, ‘This piercing is older than you, kid.’ 👵🏻 In unrelated news, I’m still single. I seem to only get hit on by seedy tow truck drivers and kids who work at Mcdonald’s and were born after I graduated high school 😅

I would take the lip ring out, but I don’t think the hole will close. I got my ears pierced when I was a baby, and I hardly ever wear earrings, yet the holes are still there. I’d like to have a plastic surgeon remove the scar tissue and sew the lip ring hole up. It shouldn’t be too hard to find a good plastic surgeon in LA 😜

(via @francisandmaggie)

My favorite instagram cat died and I am unwell 😿

Chel sent me this post earlier this morning and then I sent her the same post when I saw it closer to the afternoon. I never got a notification that she sent me the same post because I have my ‘do not disturb’ on at such an unholy hour 😅

Jessie’s looking for a nanny and they must be flat-chested, unattractive, located in San Diego, and good with dogs (in that order) 😆

Also, they filmed You down the street from my apartment in LA. I stopped watching after the second season because it was getting too far-fetched and crazy. I’d rather watch true crime 😆

I’ll just be here from 9-10pm on Mondays for the next 2 months ✌🏼

Update: Logan Sandoval (winner of Barbecue Showdown, owner of ZEF BBQ in LA, and love of my life) is a contestant on this new season of BBQ Brawl, and my ass is wide awake now!

I was at the post office earlier this week mailing 4th of July goodie packages to a couple of my friends who don’t live in SD, and I mused to myself, ‘What’s the next holiday?’ Pammie’s like, ‘Labor Day. Remember we have that Harry Potter Padres Theme Game that night?’ ‘I meant the next holiday I make gift bags for. Ooh, Halloween!’

Just 3 more months, y’all 😈💀🎃🕷

Talking to Pammie about current events is like trying to find meaning in a Pauly Shore movie 😅

My sister has been in Solana Beach for work all week, so my parents are taking me to my doctor’s appointment in LA tomorrow. I got my labs back, and it was negative for lymphoma and leukemia, but my white blood cell count was still elevated and they saw some ‘abnormalities’ whatever that means. Hopefully the hematologist will have more insight for me tomorrow. At least it’s not blood cancer! 😅

I’m back at work doing web stuff after weeks of being on vacation, months of being on catalogs, and recovering after a bout with covid. I also have a new profile pic on Slack 😜

JK I’m in my Michael Myers shirt and chonies right now. I’ll wear something a little nicer on Sunday 😜

FYI, Joey Chestnut is my hero 😭🌭

Whenever I see a short girl with a tall guy, I’m like, ‘Stay in your lane, girl. He can’t even see you.’ 😅 I’m not super tall (5’7″), but I’m taller than most girls I know. Shi has been trying to get me to expand my dating pool and go back to Asians, but I haven’t been with an Asian guy in 20 years, plus they’re usually on the shorter side. I don’t necessarily love wearing heels, but I like having the option 😜

Welp, I finally got covid. Half our tour bus got sick towards the end of our trip. I took a test as soon as I got home last night, went to bed, and woke up 20 hours later 😅

Spain recap soon. Perhaps when this virus has left my body ✌🏼

Update: Supplemental paid sick leave for covid ended in California in 2022, so I guess I’ll be reporting those sick days in kronos 😅

This is how I spend my Friday nights now 👵🏻🤣

No BBQ? No alcohol? No dogs? And where do I exit? 😅

I’ve only seen the bestie once since I had the stroke and have been in SD. She moved to Murrieta a few years ago, and it’s about as equally far from my place in LA as it is to SD. She invited me to her city’s birthday bash next month. Not sure what the celebration entails, since there won’t be any BBQ, alcohol or dogs LOL, but there will be fireworks at least. Plus, I would love to see Alicia and her fam, so hopefully I’ll be driving by this time, so I can make it!

My parents were so traumatized after teaching my sister to drive when she was 16, so when it was my turn to learn the next year, they hired a driving instructor 😅 Jessie offered to help me practice driving, though we’ll use my car instead of her new Lexus SUV, and she will probably leave her newborn baby at home (good call LOL). She also said Pammie can ride in the back, but the second she says something, she’s outta there! 🤣

After Chel sent me this photo of this stray cat she took in, I sent her a gabillion IG reels of cute cats. She was like, ‘Ok whyyy do you have so many cat videos at your disposal? 🤣’ I follow a lot of animals on instagram, and bookmark a lot of cat videos, and now I can finally share them with someone! Yes, I’ve already invited her to do kitten yoga.

My favorite cat on instagram is named Francis. He’s 13, but he still looks like a kitten because he has dwarfism 🥹 You’re welcome 😽

JT only reposts IG stories from verified accounts, so I need to either get verified or get pregnant before we go to his LA show this weekend 😅

I’m also not beneath getting a service dog 😆

Through some excessive light googling, I found the baby registry of a guy who ghosted me once 😳 It’s a blessing and a curse, the shit you can find out on the internet…

You guys, every day I play Wordle, and every day I start with the same word – ‘pious’. Nori always starts with a different word, but I’m like, ‘It’s gonna be ‘pious’ one of these days.’ And guess who got it on the first try today??? Should my lucky ass walk to the liquor store and buy a lottery ticket?

I have 3 days and just under 7 miles left to complete this Nike Run Club 60-mile challenge Shi put us on a couple weeks ago. Home stretch! Also, never in my life has someone called me ‘pure of heart’ 🤣

I weighed myself last Monday and had only lost a pound after a week of exercising more and eating less. It was discouraging to say the least, but I kept at it. The pounds used to melt off when I’d diet and exercise before, but I have to remind myself that I was heavier back then, and I’m in my forties now 👵🏻

I had to do some bloodwork yesterday for my upcoming doctor’s appointment, so I weighed myself and I’ve lost a few more pounds. My blood glucose is down, my good cholesterol is up, my bad cholesterol is down, my other numbers are mostly good and within normal range. Good health is measured a little differently these days. Hopefully my doc has good things to say about my progress. Words of affirmation is my love language LOL.

My friends keep it real… a little too real sometimes 😅

FYI, I hate exercising, but I hate to lose even more!

Jessie’s husband is probably the closest I’ll come to having an actual husband (we have the same birthday, we both hate yellow mustard, and we joke that we’re gonna marry each other after Jessie’s untimely death LOL). He always gets stuff with my name in it, and even got me a 4-pack of sours from his favorite brewery. If he wasn’t already married to one of my dearest friends 😜

I woke up today and chose me ✊🏼

I just did 30 minutes on the treadmill 😅 Just a reminder that no matter how slow you go, you’re still lapping everyone on the couch!

Chel’s friend (who’s our age!) passed away from a heart attack last week. Everyday, my family tells me I’m lucky to be alive still after having a stroke at 40, and I’m always like, “Am I, though?” 😅 Every time I hear a story like this though, I feel lucky…

Shi sent us a challenge to do 60 miles by end of April on the Nike Run Club App. I hate exercising, but I’m competitive as fuck. Let’s do this!

Donna’s son has been staying at my sister’s to train at the Olympic Training Center nearby, and he had a meet in LA today, so we went up to watch him compete, have dinner with his friend who lives near me in Manhattan Beach, and stopped by my apartment to pick up my passport before my trip next month. It was raining most of the day, and we had just finished telling him about all the tickets I’ve racked up in LA, when this big ass truck hydroplaned and spun out behind us in the rain. Luckily, he didn’t hit anyone or us. We think Elijah might be our good luck charm 🤗 He placed 2nd at the meet today, just being edged out by this kid from UCSD who PR’d.

Only in LA (@ The Corner Store)

More importantly, do you carry Mango Hi-Chews here???

I can only eat pad thai now when it’s topped with a whole ass lobster tail (@ Nawa Thai Manhattan Beach)

My passport was exactly where I thought it was (even though I haven’t used it since 2020), and I picked up my mail and got a random ass check for $1600 for some Wells Fargo lawsuit settlement. I haven’t banked with Wells Fargo since I had a private loan there for art school over a decade ago, so the check was very unexpected.

I went to the disability office earlier this week and there were like literally 100 people in the waiting room and spilling out into the hallways. I was like, “I’m not waiting in this fucking line,” and told the dude at the desk that we just needed a form to report the disability income I received last year, and he was like, “Everyday, people ask me for a 1099G form to report their disability income, and I’mma tell you the same thing I told them. It’s FREE money. You don’t have to report it. The money comes from social security taxes you’ve already paid.” So I don’t have to report the disability checks I received and saved last year, and now I could buy all the banana pudding ice cream I want. Or a Tesla. I haven’t decided yet.

On the drive home from LA, I found out Donna’s kid likes the Deftones just like his auntie, and we listened to them on the whole car ride home 🖤

We used to be fun ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I usually do my taxes as soon as I get my W2 in January. I only have one job, I don’t own a house, I’m not married, and I have no kids, so it’s fairly easy and I always get a refund. I just upload my W2 to hrblock.com, answer a few questions, and my refund usually gets direct deposited a few weeks later.

Since I had the stroke last year and received tax-free disability checks during my medical leave for six months, I waited till the eleventh hour to do my taxes, because I assumed I’d have to pay taxes on that income. It took months for my disability to get approved, so I used up all my sick time and vacation (which I was max’d out on) to get paid in the meantime. When my disability finally got approved, it was retro to when I applied in January, so I got a ton of money and it was all tax-free. I didn’t need the money, because I wasn’t spending $5,000 on doordash every month anymore LOL, so I opened a high-yield savings account and just let the money sit in there and gain interest ever since.

I never got a form with the disability income, and HR thinks I should’ve received a separate W2 for that income. I had my friend who goes into the office near my apartment check my mail, and I didn’t receive anything from the company they use. I also emailed my contact at the company, and she just forwarded my email to someone who could help.

I’m too young to know anyone else who has had a stroke or gotten short-term disability LOL, so if you know someone who has, please send them my way to give me some insight 🙏🏼

If I don’t have to pay taxes on those disability checks, I’m either gonna buy a Tesla with that money, or doordash some banana pudding ice cream from Coldstone, I haven’t decided yet…

Sidenote: You don’t want to mess with my boss ass bitch sister. I can hear her in her work meetings sometimes making her employees cry 😅

Our catalog comps were pushed a few days, so I took a nap this afternoon, and had the weirdest dream. A groomer was calling me to confirm the address to drop my dogs off at. He says my ex-boyfriend’s old address, so I call my ex like WTF? And he tells me we’re married with two dogs.

I woke up, because my sister texted me that she saw Lucille (my favorite dog) on her balcony outside.

BRB never sleeping again 😅

Where are you now?
Do you still think of me?
Or does your heart belong to someone else’s?
Love, oh, my love
I wonder sometimes, were you just a dream?
I sit in the dark
Wondering if our paths will ever cross again

I once danced to Janet Jackson’s Miss You Much off her Rhythm Nation album for my Modern Jazz class in 1989. I’m sure there’s a VHS tape of my performance floating around somewhere 😅

Not to be dramatic or anything, but I would die for this handsome boy 😍

I rarely lose my shit over babies or children in general (they just don’t give me the same feels that puppies or food do LOL), but I love this kid so much 😭 I had a full head of hair when I was born, too, so that’s why Pammie said he looks like me 😍

Christine and Pammie met baby Isaac today, and I stayed behind because I’m still sick. I instacarted Jessie her favorite strawberry rhubarb pie from Julian Pie Company and some Tillamook vanilla ice cream, and Pammie gave them my Easter goodie bags and our pasalubong from Nashville (a onesie from the farmers market that said, ‘y’all’, strawberry rhubarb jam from Lucky Ladd Farms, and merch from Justin Timberlake’s resto, The 12/30 Club) so I was there in spirit.

Jessie and I have always joked that I’d marry her husband after her untimely death and it’s good to know we can still joke about it now that they’re with child 😅

We’re all supposed to meet baby Isaac this weekend, but I don’t wanna see Abe with another woman’s baby I’m still sick.

Anybody want to experience two and a half minutes of total darkness with me???

Trying to explain to Shi what ‘split’ sauce is reminded me of this scene from Schitt’s Creek 🤣 If we had a cooking show, I’m sure it’d be exactly like this!

Instacarting a covid test and seeing what other tests I can add to my cart…

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Shi knows the worst parts of me and still thinks I’m a good girl 💛

My sister is the most technologically challenged person I know (right behind my dad), and one time we were up at my apartment in LA for a doctor’s appointment, and my wifi wasn’t working, and she had like a million zoom meetings to attend that day. I’m like, “Just use your phone as a hotspot.” “What’s a hotspot?” she says. I showed her how to use her phone as a hotspot, and I’m like, “Welcome to the 21st century!” LOL

I have a wireless laser color printer in my room at my sister’s, and I’m at my parents’ house right now, so I asked her to print some pictures of my parents’ bathroom for their remodel. I was surprised she was able to figure it out on her own.

Another time, Shi was helping me with this wedding invitation order and she was using a corner punch to round all the corners. She was like, “All done!” I see a sharp, unrounded corner, and I’m like, “What’s this little guy?” We were at the cafe inside Borders, and we couldn’t stop laughing, we were so loud.

Do you also love watching videos of dogs getting baths and haircuts, or are you normal? My favorite is this chill ass Shiba ♥️

Nori still goes into the office, so she keeps me updated on the food spots we’d go to for lunch. I miss going to the mall just to get Cinnabon 😅 Or walking by some skanky outfit at Forever 21 and asking Nori if she’d wear it for $3 🤣

I won’t be happy ’till I’m with you
Home for me is where you are

I sent Shi this post on IG that made me think of her, and we were chatting about Us the Duo breaking up. I mean, I’m unwell, but def not as sad as I was when Michael Jackson or Prince died LOL.

Is anyone else set up like a Buffalo Wild Wings??? 🤣

I went to SDSU for a year before I went to art school, so I have a little bit of Aztec pride. Just a little bit, though. Most of my memories of going to state weren’t good ones LOL. SDSU is a party school, and I wasn’t about that Greek life. I could never find parking, so I bought a trolley pass because I worked at AAA at the time, and there was a trolley stop in their parking lot. I remember I parked one morning and was getting out of my car as the trolley was pulling up, so I missed it. I had to wait fifteen minutes for the next trolley. As I was waiting, I realized I forgot something in my car, and as I was walking back from my car, I missed another trolley and had to wait fifteen more minutes. I finally got to school, but the trolley dumps you in front of state, and the art department was all the way across campus in the back of the school. When I finally got to class, there was a note taped to the door that class was canceled. Son of a! 😅

Donna was telling us how she had the famous turtle soup at Commander’s Palace in New Orleans, and she told her friend (who loves turtles), and her husband was like, “Why would you tell her that?” and she was like, “Because the name of the dish is cute. Turtle soup.” And he was like, “You just told your friend who loves turtles that you just ate turtles.” She was like, “No, I didn’t. The description didn’t mention turtles. It said, ‘The authentic Louisiana favorite with veal fond, egg and crushed lemon. Finished tableside with a splash of aged sherry.’ I thought I was eating veal.” #1 I would never eat veal (I don’t eat baby animals LOL) and #2 it says ‘turtle’ in the name! She was like, “A lot of dishes have animals in the name, and doesn’t contain those animals.” I was like, “Name one dish.” And she couldn’t think of any 😂

We’re just over here eating our feelings 😮‍💨

Pretty sure Thalia (my project manager) and I would be besties if we were back in the office (sorry, Nori LOL).

Am I old? 👵🏼 (Don’t answer that).

It’s a good thing I only watch Food Network. This dictate feature’s gonna get me in trouble one of these days 😅

I’ll just be here till September 5th 💚

Whenever my work signs a new athlete, I never know who they are. I only know who Tony Romo is because he used to date Jessica Simpson LOL. And who the Cleveland Browns coach is because he’s fine as hell 🔥 It’s a good thing I don’t play fantasy football, because I’d pick my team based on how cute the players are. Jimmy Garoppalo would be my QB, so I’d def be dead last 😅

Most of my friends are girl bosses who manage teams, but I have never had the desire to climb the corporate ladder. I don’t even like when our web director (whose name is Gaye) puts me in charge when she’s out because I’m the most senior designer after her. I don’t like having to tell people I’m Gaye 😆 I just want to do my 9 (ish) to 6 (ish) and be on my way…

(via @hella.basa)

Our next gathering is gonna be off the charts (in more ways than one) 👵🏻

I’m always C-group status when I’m traveling by myself 😅 Oh, well. Now I don’t have to worry about my luggage and boarding early. I’ll just make friends at the airport bar while I wait.

Welp, I guess none of us won 😅

I still regret not buying those thigh high silver boots for Beyoncé’s last tour.

This fringe cape is from Nasty Gal and these boots are from Forever 21 (yes, I know I’m 42). I just googled “disco cowgirl” for this lewk 🪩🤠

Donna is a planner, while I’m more of a “let’s keep the day open so whatever happens happens” kinda girl. She has planned our itinerary down to the minute so we can do everything we wanna do and maximize our time there. Including 7am plank challenges 😅 I tried to tell her that that’s 5am pacific time (4am with daylight savings!), but she’s really gonna make us work for that Nashville hot chicken…

When in doubt, blame daylight savings…

Donna was a bad influence on me when we were kids, and it looks like she’ll still be a bad influence in the afterlife! Ha. If my sister and I were running late to class in high school, we’d skip first period and hang out at Donna’s apartment instead (I have never once gone to lockout. I guess this is why when I was late for work when I used to work in the office, I would text Nori, “What do you want from Coffee Bean?” 😅 What’s a few more minutes if I’m already late…). Donna dared me to jump off a cliff into the kids’ pool at the resort we were staying at a few years ago in Hawaii. She jumped first, but she’s also a foot shorter than me! I’m pretty sure my tailbone is still at the bottom of the keiki pool, you guys.

When I die, I just need someone to clear my browser history and play Young the Giant at my funeral.

…in case anyone else didn’t know what ‘PAWG’ stood for.

Last year, we we’re poppin’ bottles, and this year Jessie is poppin’ baby bottles. But I sent her some champagne, so she could still pop some adult bottles.

When Jessie was still looking for a surrogate, I was like, “I’ll carry your baby. You can live in the casita, and my pregnant ass will stay in the main house with your husband.” Needless to say, she went with a surrogate in Bakersfield instead 🤣

Happiest birthday, bb! Also, please don’t talk to me till I’ve had my morning coffee ☕

Since they’re not bringing people around the baby till he’s had all his vaccines, we instacarted her some champagne, sent her balloons from Party City, and are gonna doordash her some lunch later. Last year, we were celebrating her 40th birthday downtown and I was throwing up in the bathroom (it was the first time I drank after the strokes). How quickly things change around here…

My sister is the smartest person I know, but I had to explain to her what happened in Waco and who Groucho Marx was (not Richard Marx’s brother LMAO).

File under: Shit I will never google.

Feeling under the weather on this rainy day 🌧️

Please don’t put gasoline on your baby’s private parts after he gets circumcised 😅

This is like when I first started at my job, and my boss was like, “Show it to Loren, the art director.” And I was like, “Where does she sit?” and she was like, “Loren’s a guy.” And another time, she was like, “Ask Jamie.” And I was like, “Where does she sit?” and she was like, “Jamie’s a guy, too.” And then another time, she was like, “Give it to Deane.” And I was like, “Where does he sit?” and she was like, “Deane’s a girl.” When she told me to show it to Christina, another art director, I was like, “Is Christina a man?!” 😆 God forbid I use the wrong pronoun when addressing you 😅

I have a flight to Nashville from SD the next morning, so a concert the night before in LA isn’t ideal, but I will rally if I win ✊🏼 Christine will be my +1, partly because she’s the biggest JT fan I know (she had a JT-themed birthday party when she turned 30 LOL), but mostly because she can drive my ass to LA (my sister will be out of town for work that week).

I was hoping Christine’s husband wouldn’t notice my text talking about how much effort it takes to put a bra on 😅

My friends’ husbands know entirely too much information about me 😅

I promised I wouldn’t blog about the rest of our gchat, so I’m just gonna leave this here 😆

I ask all the important questions!

We could never be friends if you don’t laugh at my jokes 😅

Chel is leaving for Hawaii tomorrow, and one of her sons was all like, “Please pray for all the hurt people on the plane.” And Chel was like, “What plane???” And he was like, “The plane we’re taking to Hawaii.” 😳 He’s always had a sixth sense about things. He sees his grandma all the time who used to live in that house and died long before he was born. This kid both amuses and terrifies me 😅

Sending all the positive energy their way for safe travels ✨

My parents are going to Portugal and Spain this Summer, and Spain is on my fuck it bucket list, so I invited myself 😏 I jokingly said I’d only go if we fly first class, so my dad has been looking into it. The difference between my dad and me is that he’ll do anything to save a buck (like book his flight through a cheap travel agency that makes it impossible to deal directly with the airline when you need to make changes, whereas I will always pay extra to not have to deal with any of that). He’s been sending me flight itineraries to see if they’re legit, and one google search revealed they were a big ol’ scam. Needless to say, I’ll be booking our flights for this trip 😅

The other day, one of the directors who works in the office messaged me on teams saying he had something for me asking where he should mail it. I thought it might be my 10-year work anniversary pin, (even though my 11-year anniversary just passed last month) or maybe a termination letter (even though I just got a raise and bonus 😅), but HR has my apartment in LA listed as my mailing address, and they would normally be the ones sending things of that nature, so I didn’t think it was HR-related. He was being really cryptic about it, so I had no idea what it was. It’s all my white puffer jacket that I left in the drawer of my old office. JK, Andy, who sits in my old office probably wears it. It’s a women’s jacket, but he’s v petite 🤣

This is like the time at my old job when they announced a mandatory meeting and we were going crazy wondering what it was about—Were they laying people off? Did they find out that my coworker Jesse drank that unclaimed Red Bull in the fridge? Were my yoga pants too casual for Casual Friday??? It turns out the meeting was a break from work where we got to play Taboo, and we won so the customer service team had to make us coffee for a week!

Hopefully it’s something good! I’ll keep you posted…

Update: I got it, and it was just a certificate congratulating me on 11 years with Skechers and a voucher for a free pair of shoes 😅 HR must’ve interofficed it to the advertising department thinking I worked in the offiice. No old coworker’s heads here!

Missed opportunity to blow out my back 🤣

I should probably take down this post, but only a couple people still read this blog (hi, Shirley May!), so I’ll keep it up for posterity’s sake. And so I have receipts when I say, “Remember when you said ‘so and so’ on February 14, 2024?” 🤣

Educating my project manager about botox and fuck boys 😆

I also buy two tickets even though I don’t know who I’m going with yet. Unless it’s for John Mayer and I buy a single ticket off stubhub for $300 an hour before the show, because I decided last minute to go and know no one else would pay $300 (or any amount of money) to see John Mayer 😅

I heard this song on Chel’s instagram post about her stay at Jacumba Hot Springs Hotel, but I thought they were saying “chainsaw daydreams” instead of “chase our daydreams” LOL. I’ve been listening to too many true crime podcasts 😅

Waiting until the eleventh hour to check in to my doc appointment in case I win tickets to Justin Timberlake’s free show in NYC that day and have to cancel it 😅

He said, “baby, ” that’s what he called me, “I love you”
Every single word you say makes me feel some type of way
It’s the thought of you that slightly scares me
But it takes my breath away, forget what I was gonna say
The day that I met you, I started dreaming
Now I write ’em down if I remember in the morning time

I just want a daddy who sends me songs that make him think of me 😆 I told Jessie to tell Nixon (who’s in middle school), it doesn’t get easier in your 40s 😅

My friend tested positive for Covid, and she thinks she got it from a meeting she had to attend at UCSD in person last week. My sister had to go into the office today for a meeting with executives that are flying in from all over the country! Her boss has a cold and is knowingly going in sick for that meeting and also a team building event at an escape room LOL. Like, what’s more important than your health??? Certainly not your job! Luckily, my boss is a germophobe, and I haven’t had to go in the office since 2020.

I’ve somehow managed to dodge Covid for 4 years, even though I’ve been exposed a couple times. Should I add that to my Tinder bio? “Never gotten Covid. Never seen a Star Wars movie.” Just kidding (I’m not on Tinder).

Anytime I say I’ve never had Covid, my sister (who got Covid on vacation in Hawaii despite masking up and sanitizing everything all the time) likes to remind me that I had two strokes last year. Touché, bitch. Tou-fucking-ché 😅

We were talking about how Ice Cube is exposing Jay-Z and saying he’s worse than Diddy, and how no one is safe. Seriously, nothing better come out about Young the Giant 🤣

Shi comin’ in hot with the tea! I love chisme on any given day, but especially on my birthday 😆

My parents are on their way to a cruise and upgraded their flight there to premium economy. Didn’t know it came with champagne! My sister helped them book their flights, so not sure if this is like the time she got me a plane ticket to meet her in Chicago, and the flight attendant came by with a cheese plate and I was like, “I didn’t order that,” and she was like, “Pamela pre-ordered it.” And I was like, “Oh, okay!” While I was eating my wedge of brie, the flight attendant came by again with a bottle of champagne and was like, “She ordered this, too!” My aisle mates were so jealous. It was a morning flight, but I still drank the whole bottle of champagne and slept the rest of the plane ride from LAX to O’Hare 😅

I’ve only ever flown first class on my sister’s dime. She’s bougie and likes to travel in style. If I’m booking it, I’m like uhhh how many Southwest points do I have? 😅 When Shi found out we were going to New York for my birthday, she was like, “How much are flights right now?” and I was like, “Uhh IDK, Pammie bought them.” And she looks over at my sister, and Pammie was like, “We’re flying first class, so…” and Shi was like, “Oh, my bad!” And this was right after my sister explained that all her Harry Potter ornaments were spotless because Leticia the housekeeper dusted them LOL. In her defense, she hosted Christmas, so that’s why she had Leticia clean the house. She was referred to her by two of our other friends who also use Leticia to clean their houses. Coincidentally, we also get waxed by the same person. If you don’t share a housekeeper and a Brazilian waxer, are you even friends??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

She’s not the first person to tell me this. My other friend said the same thing when she was telling me her boyfriend doesn’t make her laugh 😂 I could never be with someone who doesn’t make me laugh!

Happy birthday to my bestie and favorite sister, Pammie!

I was promised dick chips ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Jessie asked me to make her baby shower invitation, so I’m asking all the important questions 😆

FYI Humboldt Fog is my favorite cheese (you should be writing this down). Christine was telling us a v serious story about meeting up with her pregnant friend who also has cancer at Plaza Bonita, and I was like, “Wait, is the Popeye’s open in the food court?” Some people say I have no tact, but that Popeye’s had a big ass “Opening Spring 2023!” painted on the wall, and it was Halloween and still not open! It has since opened if you’re wondering 😅

Also, while researching baby shower invites, I found this cute Baby-Q invitation. Anyone wanna go halfsies on a baby so I can throw myself a Baby-Q???

I hate baking in someone else’s house 😅

I love BBQ dick chips.

You have to make concessions when you’re in your 40s. Height, marital status, etc. 😆 I won’t compromise on age, though. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who was born after I started high school 😅

Is he happily married, though??? 😜 JK.

We were just chatting about how my ex tore his ACL playing pickleball LOL and now Chanandler Bong has died after playing! Who knew pickleball was so dangerous? 😅

I never even heard of the sport until Skechers became the Exclusive Shoe of USA Pickleball!

Maybe they were dinking when they should have been donking 🤣

On our flight home from Hawaii once, I accidentally tucked the back of my dress into my chonies after using the airplane bathroom, and when I walked back to my seat, Shi untucked my dress and was like, “We can see your underwear!” and I was like, “It’s a bathing suit bottom!” Fifteen years later, they won’t let me forget it.

Also, I never know where we parked the car or where anything is since I never put things back in their place. My sister’s husband is always like, “How were you two raised in the same household???” 😅

If you didn’t already know, I love Halloween and the fair (you should be writing this down). If I ever get engaged or was the kind of person who would get engagement photos taken (I’m not), it would totally be at a carnival.

Also, my first concert ever was Gladys Knight at the Del Mar Fair 🤣

We’re having a paint and sip night for Chel’s birthday this weekend, and my Beetlejuice pumpkins don’t really fit Chel’s warm palette vibe 😅

Is this like when Lindsay Lohan didn’t know that Halloween was the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and was the only one who showed up at that party in a scary costume in Mean Girls? 🤣 Am I about to DJ Lo & Behold this party???

Jessie thought the saying was “beat a dead whore” instead of “beat a dead horse” 🤣 We joke that she’s ESL, even though she was born and raised here!

I’m already a monthly donor for ASPCA (to help animals in need. Also, the commercials and Sarah McLachlan got me. Plus I got a free t-shirt LOL).

Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up