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C.
Wednesday, March 13, 2024

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I’m always C-group status when I’m traveling by myself 😅 Oh, well. Now I don’t have to worry about my luggage and boarding early. I’ll just make friends at the airport bar while I wait.

Tickets.
Wednesday, March 13, 2024
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Welp, I guess none of us won 😅

Cowboy Carter.
Tuesday, March 12, 2024

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I still regret not buying those thigh high silver boots for Beyoncé’s last tour.

This fringe cape is from Nasty Gal and these boots are from Forever 21 (yes, I know I’m 42). I just googled “disco cowgirl” for this lewk 🪩🤠

Plan.
Tuesday, March 12, 2024

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Donna is a planner, while I’m more of a “let’s keep the day open so whatever happens happens” kinda girl. She has planned our itinerary down to the minute so we can do everything we wanna do and maximize our time there. Including 7am plank challenges 😅 I tried to tell her that that’s 5am pacific time (4am with daylight savings!), but she’s really gonna make us work for that Nashville hot chicken…

planking giif

Blame.
Monday, March 11, 2024

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When in doubt, blame daylight savings…

Afterlife.
Saturday, March 9, 2024

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Donna was a bad influence on me when we were kids, and it looks like she’ll still be a bad influence in the afterlife! Ha. If my sister and I were running late to class in high school, we’d skip first period and hang out at Donna’s apartment instead (I have never once gone to lockout. I guess this is why when I was late for work when I used to work in the office, I would text Nori, “What do you want from Coffee Bean?” 😅 What’s a few more minutes if I’m already late…). Donna dared me to jump off a cliff into the kids’ pool at the resort we were staying at a few years ago in Hawaii. She jumped first, but she’s also a foot shorter than me! I’m pretty sure my tailbone is still at the bottom of the keiki pool, you guys.

When I die, I just need someone to clear my browser history and play Young the Giant at my funeral.

PAWG.
Friday, March 8, 2024

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…in case anyone else didn’t know what ‘PAWG’ stood for.

Poppin’ Bottles.
Friday, March 8, 2024

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Last year, we we’re poppin’ bottles, and this year Jessie is poppin’ baby bottles. But I sent her some champagne, so she could still pop some adult bottles.

When Jessie was still looking for a surrogate, I was like, “I’ll carry your baby. You can live in the casita, and my pregnant ass will stay in the main house with your husband.” Needless to say, she went with a surrogate in Bakersfield instead 🤣

Happy Birthday, Jessie!
Friday, March 8, 2024
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Happiest birthday, bb! Also, please don’t talk to me till I’ve had my morning coffee ☕

Since they’re not bringing people around the baby till he’s had all his vaccines, we instacarted her some champagne, sent her balloons from Party City, and are gonna doordash her some lunch later. Last year, we were celebrating her 40th birthday downtown and I was throwing up in the bathroom (it was the first time I drank after the strokes). How quickly things change around here…

Smart.
Thursday, March 7, 2024

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My sister is the smartest person I know, but I had to explain to her what happened in Waco and who Groucho Marx was (not Richard Marx’s brother LMAO).

Chicken Skin.
Thursday, March 7, 2024
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File under: Shit I will never google.

Sweater Weather.
Thursday, March 7, 2024

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Feeling under the weather on this rainy day 🌧️

Gasoline.
Wednesday, March 6, 2024
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Please don’t put gasoline on your baby’s private parts after he gets circumcised 😅

Pronouns.
Wednesday, March 6, 2024

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This is like when I first started at my job, and my boss was like, “Show it to Loren, the art director.” And I was like, “Where does she sit?” and she was like, “Loren’s a guy.” And another time, she was like, “Ask Jamie.” And I was like, “Where does she sit?” and she was like, “Jamie’s a guy, too.” And then another time, she was like, “Give it to Deane.” And I was like, “Where does he sit?” and she was like, “Deane’s a girl.” When she told me to show it to Christina, another art director, I was like, “Is Christina a man?!” 😆 God forbid I use the wrong pronoun when addressing you 😅

Free Show.
Wednesday, March 6, 2024

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I have a flight to Nashville from SD the next morning, so a concert the night before in LA isn’t ideal, but I will rally if I win ✊🏼 Christine will be my +1, partly because she’s the biggest JT fan I know (she had a JT-themed birthday party when she turned 30 LOL), but mostly because she can drive my ass to LA (my sister will be out of town for work that week).

Effort.
Tuesday, March 5, 2024
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homer hiding bush gif

I was hoping Christine’s husband wouldn’t notice my text talking about how much effort it takes to put a bra on 😅

TMI.
Monday, March 4, 2024

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My friends’ husbands know entirely too much information about me 😅

Ducks.
Monday, March 4, 2024
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I promised I wouldn’t blog about the rest of our gchat, so I’m just gonna leave this here 😆

Clear.
Monday, March 4, 2024

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I ask all the important questions!

Jokes.
Wednesday, February 28, 2024
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We could never be friends if you don’t laugh at my jokes 😅

Left Phalange.
Sunday, February 18, 2024

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Chel is leaving for Hawaii tomorrow, and one of her sons was all like, “Please pray for all the hurt people on the plane.” And Chel was like, “What plane???” And he was like, “The plane we’re taking to Hawaii.” 😳 He’s always had a sixth sense about things. He sees his grandma all the time who used to live in that house and died long before he was born. This kid both amuses and terrifies me 😅

friends plane phalange gif friends plane phalange gif
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friends plane phalange gif friends plane phalange gif
friends plane phalange gif friends plane phalange gif

Sending all the positive energy their way for safe travels ✨

Scam.
Friday, February 16, 2024

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My parents are going to Portugal and Spain this Summer, and Spain is on my fuck it bucket list, so I invited myself 😏 I jokingly said I’d only go if we fly first class, so my dad has been looking into it. The difference between my dad and me is that he’ll do anything to save a buck (like book his flight through a cheap travel agency that makes it impossible to deal directly with the airline when you need to make changes, whereas I will always pay extra to not have to deal with any of that). He’s been sending me flight itineraries to see if they’re legit, and one google search revealed they were a big ol’ scam. Needless to say, I’ll be booking our flights for this trip 😅

Box.
Thursday, February 15, 2024
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The other day, one of the directors who works in the office messaged me on teams saying he had something for me asking where he should mail it. I thought it might be my 10-year work anniversary pin, (even though my 11-year anniversary just passed last month) or maybe a termination letter (even though I just got a raise and bonus 😅), but HR has my apartment in LA listed as my mailing address, and they would normally be the ones sending things of that nature, so I didn’t think it was HR-related. He was being really cryptic about it, so I had no idea what it was. It’s all my white puffer jacket that I left in the drawer of my old office. JK, Andy, who sits in my old office probably wears it. It’s a women’s jacket, but he’s v petite 🤣

This is like the time at my old job when they announced a mandatory meeting and we were going crazy wondering what it was about—Were they laying people off? Did they find out that my coworker Jesse drank that unclaimed Red Bull in the fridge? Were my yoga pants too casual for Casual Friday??? It turns out the meeting was a break from work where we got to play Taboo, and we won so the customer service team had to make us coffee for a week!

Hopefully it’s something good! I’ll keep you posted…

Update: I got it, and it was just a certificate congratulating me on 11 years with Skechers and a voucher for a free pair of shoes 😅 HR must’ve interofficed it to the advertising department thinking I worked in the offiice. No old coworker’s heads here!

Break.
Thursday, February 15, 2024

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Missed opportunity to blow out my back 🤣

Wasted.
Wednesday, February 14, 2024

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I should probably take down this post, but only a couple people still read this blog (hi, Shirley May!), so I’ll keep it up for posterity’s sake. And so I have receipts when I say, “Remember when you said ‘so and so’ on February 14, 2024?” 🤣

Advice.
Monday, February 12, 2024

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Educating my project manager about botox and fuck boys 😆

Accurate.
Friday, February 2, 2024

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I also buy two tickets even though I don’t know who I’m going with yet. Unless it’s for John Mayer and I buy a single ticket off stubhub for $300 an hour before the show, because I decided last minute to go and know no one else would pay $300 (or any amount of money) to see John Mayer 😅

Chainsaw Daydreams.
Thursday, February 1, 2024

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I heard this song on Chel’s instagram post about her stay at Jacumba Hot Springs Hotel, but I thought they were saying “chainsaw daydreams” instead of “chase our daydreams” LOL. I’ve been listening to too many true crime podcasts 😅

Selfish.
Sunday, January 28, 2024

providence check in

Waiting until the eleventh hour to check in to my doc appointment in case I win tickets to Justin Timberlake’s free show in NYC that day and have to cancel it 😅

titus praying gif

Kingston.
Friday, January 26, 2024

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He said, “baby, ” that’s what he called me, “I love you”Every single word you say makes me feel some type of wayIt’s the thought of you that slightly scares meBut it takes my breath away, forget what I was gonna sayThe day that I met you, I started dreamingNow I write ’em down if I remember in the morning time

I just want a daddy who sends me songs that make him think of me 😆 I told Jessie to tell Nixon (who’s in middle school), it doesn’t get easier in your 40s 😅

Touché.
Wednesday, January 24, 2024

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My friend tested positive for Covid, and she thinks she got it from a meeting she had to attend at UCSD in person last week. My sister had to go into the office today for a meeting with executives that are flying in from all over the country! Her boss has a cold and is knowingly going in sick for that meeting and also a team building event at an escape room LOL. Like, what’s more important than your health??? Certainly not your job! Luckily, my boss is a germophobe, and I haven’t had to go in the office since 2020.

I’ve somehow managed to dodge Covid for 4 years, even though I’ve been exposed a couple times. Should I add that to my Tinder bio? “Never gotten Covid. Never seen a Star Wars movie.” Just kidding (I’m not on Tinder).

Anytime I say I’ve never had Covid, my sister (who got Covid on vacation in Hawaii despite masking up and sanitizing everything all the time) likes to remind me that I had two strokes last year. Touché, bitch. Tou-fucking-ché 😅

Exposed.
Friday, January 19, 2024
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We were talking about how Ice Cube is exposing Jay-Z and saying he’s worse than Diddy, and how no one is safe. Seriously, nothing better come out about Young the Giant 🤣

Side Chick.
Friday, January 19, 2024

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Dark Days.
Thursday, January 18, 2024

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Tea.
Friday, January 12, 2024

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Shi comin’ in hot with the tea! I love chisme on any given day, but especially on my birthday 😆

Share.
Thursday, January 4, 2024

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My parents are on their way to a cruise and upgraded their flight there to premium economy. Didn’t know it came with champagne! My sister helped them book their flights, so not sure if this is like the time she got me a plane ticket to meet her in Chicago, and the flight attendant came by with a cheese plate and I was like, “I didn’t order that,” and she was like, “Pamela pre-ordered it.” And I was like, “Oh, okay!” While I was eating my wedge of brie, the flight attendant came by again with a bottle of champagne and was like, “She ordered this, too!” My aisle mates were so jealous. It was a morning flight, but I still drank the whole bottle of champagne and slept the rest of the plane ride from LAX to O’Hare 😅

I’ve only ever flown first class on my sister’s dime. She’s bougie and likes to travel in style. If I’m booking it, I’m like uhhh how many Southwest points do I have? 😅 When Shi found out we were going to New York for my birthday, she was like, “How much are flights right now?” and I was like, “Uhh IDK, Pammie bought them.” And she looks over at my sister, and Pammie was like, “We’re flying first class, so…” and Shi was like, “Oh, my bad!” And this was right after my sister explained that all her Harry Potter ornaments were spotless because Leticia the housekeeper dusted them LOL. In her defense, she hosted Christmas, so that’s why she had Leticia clean the house. She was referred to her by two of our other friends who also use Leticia to clean their houses. Coincidentally, we also get waxed by the same person. If you don’t share a housekeeper and a Brazilian waxer, are you even friends??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Laugh.
Tuesday, December 19, 2023

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She’s not the first person to tell me this. My other friend said the same thing when she was telling me her boyfriend doesn’t make her laugh 😂 I could never be with someone who doesn’t make me laugh!

Birthday.
Saturday, December 16, 2023

hbd pammie

Happy birthday to my bestie and favorite sister, Pammie!

hbd pammie

Chips.
Thursday, December 14, 2023

dick chips

I was promised dick chips ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Invitation.
Wednesday, December 13, 2023
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Jessie asked me to make her baby shower invitation, so I’m asking all the important questions 😆

FYI Humboldt Fog is my favorite cheese (you should be writing this down). Christine was telling us a v serious story about meeting up with her pregnant friend who also has cancer at Plaza Bonita, and I was like, “Wait, is the Popeye’s open in the food court?” Some people say I have no tact, but that Popeye’s had a big ass “Opening Spring 2023!” painted on the wall, and it was Halloween and still not open! It has since opened if you’re wondering 😅

Also, while researching baby shower invites, I found this cute Baby-Q invitation. Anyone wanna go halfsies on a baby so I can throw myself a Baby-Q???

Cool.
Wednesday, November 22, 2023

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I hate baking in someone else’s house 😅

Big Chazz.
Monday, November 20, 2023
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I love BBQ dick chips.

Babysitter for Hire.
Monday, November 6, 2023
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Stability.
Thursday, November 2, 2023

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You have to make concessions when you’re in your 40s. Height, marital status, etc. 😆 I won’t compromise on age, though. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who was born after I started high school 😅

Smoked.
Tuesday, October 31, 2023

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Is he happily married, though??? 😜 JK.

Pickleball.
Saturday, October 28, 2023

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We were just chatting about how my ex tore his ACL playing pickleball LOL and now Chanandler Bong has died after playing! Who knew pickleball was so dangerous? 😅

I never even heard of the sport until Skechers became the Exclusive Shoe of USA Pickleball!

Maybe they were dinking when they should have been donking 🤣

Bathing Suit Bottom.
Thursday, October 26, 2023

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On our flight home from Hawaii once, I accidentally tucked the back of my dress into my chonies after using the airplane bathroom, and when I walked back to my seat, Shi untucked my dress and was like, “We can see your underwear!” and I was like, “It’s a bathing suit bottom!” Fifteen years later, they won’t let me forget it.

Also, I never know where we parked the car or where anything is since I never put things back in their place. My sister’s husband is always like, “How were you two raised in the same household???” 😅

Carnival.
Wednesday, October 25, 2023

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If you didn’t already know, I love Halloween and the fair (you should be writing this down). If I ever get engaged or was the kind of person who would get engagement photos taken (I’m not), it would totally be at a carnival.

Also, my first concert ever was Gladys Knight at the Del Mar Fair 🤣

Vibe.
Saturday, October 21, 2023

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Vision.
Tuesday, October 17, 2023
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We’re having a paint and sip night for Chel’s birthday this weekend, and my Beetlejuice pumpkins don’t really fit Chel’s warm palette vibe 😅

Is this like when Lindsay Lohan didn’t know that Halloween was the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and was the only one who showed up at that party in a scary costume in Mean Girls? 🤣 Am I about to DJ Lo & Behold this party???

mean girls scary costume gif
mean girls scary costume gif
ESL.
Monday, October 16, 2023

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Jessie thought the saying was “beat a dead whore” instead of “beat a dead horse” 🤣 We joke that she’s ESL, even though she was born and raised here!

Donation.
Saturday, October 14, 2023

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I’m already a monthly donor for ASPCA (to help animals in need. Also, the commercials and Sarah McLachlan got me. Plus I got a free t-shirt LOL).

Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

Romantic.
Friday, October 6, 2023

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FYI I’m romantic as fuck.

The Matrix.
Thursday, September 28, 2023
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i can't with you gif

Apparently, Dumbledore died ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Is this like the time we were watching the fourth Matrix, and Pammie was like, “Neo looks so old,” and I was like, “Wait… who’s Neo?” 🤣 In my defense, I’ve only seen the first Matrix movie when it came out it 1999. I still can’t tell you what the matrix is!

This is why people don’t like watching shit with me 😅

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Coordinate.
Wednesday, September 27, 2023

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Are you even really friends if you don’t coordinate your brazilians???

P.S. I discovered Linda 13 years ago! She has since left Viva Brazil and does house calls now if you ever need your vag waxed in SD 😅

Limit.
Monday, September 25, 2023

When someone asks me what my limit is for an *NSYNC concert (it’s $1,000 for Beyoncé):

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BOP.
Saturday, September 23, 2023

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justin homage pizza

Justin Gaspar from Hommage Bakehouse (who won Hulu’s Baker’s Dozen) made pizzas during the party and they were so good. He liked my Boo Berry Krispie Treats and his wife was the first person ever to compliment me on my Original Berf shirt, too, so they’re good people 😆

gender reveal

We came for the pizza, but stayed for the gender reveal!

sonogram

It has been a hard IVF journey for my dear friend after battling breast cancer, and Jessie surprised all of us by telling us that the surrogacy’s pregnancy took and baby boy Cuevas is coming March 2024!

We are simply overjoyed 🥹

Handicapped.
Tuesday, September 19, 2023

dtf chat handicap

The DMV approved my application for a Disabled Person (DP LOLOL) placard if you want to hang out and get primo parking 😂 You guys, this placard even lets you park on an on-street metered parking space at no charge or in an area that requires a resident permit! Should I update my Tinder bio to include this??? JK, the placard is more of a third date reveal 🤣 I could also get you a discount at the Skechers Food Spot LOL. IDK why I’m single when I come with all these perks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I once got 3 parking tickets in one weekend, so this placard is gold 😅 In my defense, parking in LA is a nightmare.

Here.
Saturday, September 16, 2023

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I was totally this kid. I could never find my bus tickets, even though I took the bus to school every morning and night up until high school LOL. They were just loose in my backpack. I still feel panic and anxiety as an adult whenever I get to the drive through window and I’m not ready with my credit card even though I’ve been sitting in line for twenty minutes 😅

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Accurate ✌🏼

Trauma.
Saturday, September 9, 2023

Shi says it’s still too soon for stroke jokes 😅 *laughs awkwardly*

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P.S. When I say I can eat anywhere, I mean it. My friend and I once went to lunch with this vegan girl who insisted we choose the restaurant (“I can find vegan food anywhere,” she said), and then she insisted we order and eat in front of her even though the restaurant was “garbage” and she wasn’t gonna order anything. Most awkward lunch ever! I kept stealing glances my friend as I nibbled on my salad, and she was just going to town on her food like, “She said to eat in front of her, so I’m eating!” 🤣

Cult of Personality.
Wednesday, September 6, 2023

Young the Giant is always a good idea (@ CalCoast Credit Union Open Air Theatre)

One of Francis’ friends was working security, and he was like, “Yooo, you like Young the Giant?!” like it was a bad thing 🤣 Is this like when I liked Hoobastank?! 😅

Even though my calves burn with the fury of a thousand suns (our seats were at the very bottom and it’s a looong way to the top where the drinks are), YTG is always worth it.

Here’s Francis and I texting each other during the show because our seats were right in front of the speakers and we couldn’t hear each other LOL:

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