You know who else ‘nobody understands a word’ of what they’re saying? Trump’s current Slovenian wife, Melania, and his Czechoslovakian ex-wife, Ivana, both immigrants with thick ass accents. You know who’s not an immigrant? Bad Bunny! Puerto Rico is an American territory, you stupid fuck. And you know what really is ‘disgusting’? Trump being mentioned over 38,000 times in the Epstein files. Go fuck yourself, man ๐๐ป
Since I started Stepbet last month, Iโve walked a total of 243 miles and won a whopping $25. Sure, the membership fee to join Stepbet was $60, and I spent more than my total winnings alone at Starbucks this week, but at least I walked to Starbucks ๐
This StepBet challenge is finally over. In 6 weeks, Iโve walked 162 miles and won $11.56 ๐ The number of steps I had to do increased by 2% every week, which I didnโt think was a lot when I signed up, but man, am I bad at math ๐ 2% of thousands of steps is a lot!
When I was walking back from Vons last week, someone kept honking at me as I crossed the intersection. It was my right of way (I always use the crosswalk because people always blow through stop lights hereโIโve almost gotten hit!), so it wasnโt because I was crossing when I wasnโt supposed to. A ton of people I know live in this area (including an ex), but I feel like they wouldโve texted me after if it was someone I knew. I wasnโt wearing anything cute (just my Michael Myers shirt, black leggings, and a Padres hat), so it wasnโt a catcall (and if it was, I donโt respond to such advances LOL). I just turned up my Deftones playlist in my earbuds and sipped on my Starbucks iced green tea and went on my way. So if you see me walking around and think I’m ignoring you, I am ๐
You guys, every day I play Wordle, and every day I start with the same word – ‘pious’. Nori always starts with a different word, but I’m like, ‘It’s gonna be ‘pious’ one of these days.’ And guess who got it on the first try today??? Should my lucky ass walk to the liquor store and buy a lottery ticket?
In the event that this isnโt anything like that Survivor pool I joined and won without ever watching a single episode, I have a few questions, like how do you know if itโs a 12 seed team or a 5 seed team, and also what is a seed???
Live from the Artists Den: Young the Giant (@ El Rey Theatre)
When your sister, your cousin and Baberaham one of your best friend’s husbands enter a contest for you to win tickets to see your favorite band’s secret show, you know you’re loved… especially when one of them wins and they take you as their guest! Young the Giant was just as good as the first time I dragged everyone to go see them five years ago! They’re coming back to LA in October, but I’m considering missing their show to go on a trip with Shi to NYC instead. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I completely forgot about this pinterest contest I entered a year ago! They just selected one winner per month, and the board I made for the Organized Wedding Shower of my dreams won!
I may not be getting married anytime soon, but at least I can fill the hole in my heart with $1,000 worth of merchandise from The Container Store.
Unsolicited fact about me: I’ve never owned a bike until today.
Thanks to Pinterest, I finally have my first bike at 32 years young! I always had roller skates when I was a kid, but I never had a bike (which probably explains my bike-riding skills, or lack thereof). I’ve also never ridden a horse, but I have ridden an elephant. This post could get lengthy if I keep listing all the things I’ve ridden, so I’ll move along…
Inhabitat chose my Going (Mint) Green in Style pinterest board as the grand prize winner of their Back-to-School contest! It’s been years since I’ve actually been in school, but my time at the Art Institute sure taught me how to design a pretty pinterest board.
I won this Public Bike plus a brass bell, rear rack, and the bike basket I put on my wish list earlier this year before I had a bike to attach it to! They even sent me a tube of turquoise touch up paint for when I inevitably eat shit and scuff up that beautiful paint job. I considered getting the cream bike instead since it seemed like a safer color choice, but my sister said, “Since when do you make safe choices?” Touché. I am reckless as fuck.
I asked my friend if there were any lakes to go riding around up here, and she was all like, “THIS IS LA.” So I guess I’m riding my free bike at the beach then??? What a rough life.
If my sister and I share a love of anything, it’s the dulcet tones of Sam Smith, and winning. She is next level when it comes to fantasy football and being the only girl in her league!
I don’t know how to use a grill, and I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t read directions or instruction manuals. Unfortunately, that also makes me the kind of girl who wins Pinterest contests and then gets her prize revoked because she didn’t read the fine print that said that the contest wasn’t open to California residents.
I get it, Georgia. We have perfect weather and an extra series of The Real Housewives. We can’t have your $1200 Big Green Egg grills, too.
At least I still have my award-winning#MyHTTender contest board full of grilling recipes for when I throw another BBQ at someone else’s house ๐
So the cafe inside my work has an instagram account, and all the employees who follow it have a chance to win a $25 gift card every week. I was pretty excited when I won last month. I was less excited about the photo they chose of me, but my instagram is devoid of selfies, so I forgive them.
Anyway, I was talking to my coworker who runs the instagram account, and he was saying how they make a big deal at the cafe when you get your gift card. And I was like, “Yeah, they even take your picture!” And he was like, “Wait, what… They don’t do that.” And then I realized that the guy who sells me my $9 pressed juice every morning took a picture of me on his cell phone for his own personal collection!
This was me winning second place at my work’s weight-loss challenge last Friday. It’s a good thing I didn’t win first, because you wouldn’t be able to handle those dance moves!
I lost to some corporate lawyer who donated his winnings to a children’s hospital. Way to make me feel like an asshole! Ha. I already spent my share on Young the Giant tickets!
My Summer of Smoothies pinterest board won me a new Vitamix blender! I’m pretty sure that 90% of my meals will be served in liquid form now. The other 10% will still consist of pre-packaged food and takeout (you know I don’t cook). Time to get my omega swirl on!
After this weekend in SF, I should probably start with a detox smoothie…
While I was sick last week, I downed emergen-c cocktails and fireball whiskey and entered a bajillion pinterest contests. Today, my lazybones dream board won me a $50 gift card! I can’t wait to put it towards one of their $300 quilts haha. I already have one from Anthropologie (okay so I really bought it for my sister on her birthday and I’ve been ‘borrowing’ it ever since), and anyone who’s had the pleasure of sleeping in my bed knows that it’s well worth the price. And so is the quilt ๐ Ha.
I also got a notification today that my dairy max board won third place! While I didn’t win the grand prize of a kitchen aid stand mixer (yes, I already have one, and yes, I’m greedy like that), I did win a dairy prize pack. I have no idea what that entails, but I’m hoping it’s sticks of butter from different lands.
You know I’m moving, not dying, right? Ha. I’m only going to be a couple hours away. Besides, I have a year’s worth of free Nothing Bundt Cake bundlets to claim from their Mission Valley store, so you know I’ll be down in SD at least once a month (if you thought I was leaving my voucher with one of you clowns, you were mistaken!).
Now I don’t have to go in there and pretend I’m buying a cake for someone else anymore. Or birthday candles to corroborate my lies. I mean what. I donโt do that.
8 weeks, 1200 calories/day, 2 workouts/day, 42 pounds lost and $407 gained, bitches!
Ladies, you’re doing yourself a serious disservice if you think that a man can ever beat you in anything. Who cares whether or not they lose weight faster than you? Work harder, and show them that there’s nothing a man can do that a woman can’t do better, backwards and in high heels. TWICE!
I won tickets to Ellen’s 12 Days of Giveaways show. I won Glee’s Karaoke Revolution Wii game on Twitter. I won a Linkin Park tour poster and guitar pick in a Foursquare contest I wasn’t even aware I was participating in (and they accidentally sent me my prize twice!). I joined my friend Alicia’s Survivor pool and won, even though I’ve never watched an episode of Survivor in my life. And I literally sweated my ass off and won my company’s #BLC!
Since my favorite preggo, Chel, is expecting her firstborn, I thought I would use my good luck to win stuff for her and the baby. I entered a bunch of baby contests, and today I won a Sleep Sheep and Sleep Sheep On The Go from Cloud B! It’s supposed to help even the fussiest babies fall asleep… I’m sure it’ll be put to good use while mommy and I enjoy a cocktail ๐
I’ve been winning tons of stuff lately… an autographed CD from Meaghan Smith, Konami’s Glee Karaoke Revolution Wii game, that pizza eating contest at Marechiaro’s… (is it a contest if I’m the only one participating?)
Last week, I won tickets for Day 10 of The Ellen DeGeneres Show’s 12 Days of Giveaways! Pammie was the one who signed me up in the first place, so I took her with me to the taping in LA. It was one of the best days of my life, and I’m not lying like I usually am when I say that.
We laughed at Ellen’s jokes, drooled over Mark Wahlberg, listened to Olivia Wilde talk about Tron, danced with Ciara as she performed her new single, and screamed as Ellen unveiled all the Amazon.com gifts we were going home with:
It’s officially summer, and for the 28th year in a row, I’m not ready for all this sunlight. Thankfully, I’ve moved out of my non air-conditioned apartment that I nearly melted in last year, so I won’t have any sudden urges to punch a baby in this heat. Being healthy isn’t enough motivation to lose weight for me. I entered a biggest loser competition at work last year, lost 20 pounds and won by less than 1% (suck it, Calvin!). And I did it all for just bragging rights and a celebratory croissant. I used to play Bejeweled Blitz religiously on Facebook just because whenever I’d beat someone’s score, it sent them a notification saying, “Booyah! Mayan fucking beat you, bitch.” Okay maybe it didn’t say fucking. Or bitch. Or booyah… but it still notified them, okay? Get off me. I would really like to get fit, so I need someone to compete with. And not someone like Jay who works out once a week while I’m pulling two-a-days… It can’t be that easy. But I want to start after I go to the fair this Sunday. And next Friday. And possibly next Saturday… Let’s just be safe and start this thing when the fair ends after the 4th of July.
