I woke up and broke my glasses (I always fall asleep with my glasses on, and the metal hinge finally snapped this morning), so I ordered another of the same pair, but it takes a couple weeks to make. I walked to Vons in this hot ass weather to get my steps in and decided to reward myself with a venti iced unsweetened green tea, but the Starbucks inside Vons was out of green tea. We were supposed to celebrate Christine’s husband’s birthday tonight downtown at Basic, but Pammie’s been seeing a chiro and doing PT and she threw out her back, so instead I’m in bed watching old Bones reruns, wearing my prescription sunglasses at night like an asshole, and migrating my old work Mac to the new Mac they sent me. Another wild Saturday night in!
It’s also a full moon tonight. Do with that information what you will š
My wild Friday night consisted of emailing this dressing company to see if this vinaigrette I used to buy is discontinued LOL. I also went to the gym, took a shower, did a whole ass skin care routine, and took some melatonin gummies. Yes, I’m blogging this from bed. Yes, it’s 9pm.
Update: Through some online sleuthing, I found out that Tessemae’s filed for bankruptcy last year and was acquired by another company this year. They haven’t responded to my email yet, but I did email on a Friday night after hours, so I’ll give them a few business days š Otherwise, I may have to try making my own dang ranch vinaigrette!
I read that a routine can help you feel in control of your life, so instead of focusing on things I canāt control, I can set small goals. Like if I fall asleep without taking my makeup off or brushing my teeth, Iām usually like no bigs because I never get cavities and hardly ever get blemishes (only at the most inopportune times, like when I have a party to go to), but last night after I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, put on my cat headband and did a whole ass skincare routine, and took these new melatonin and ashwaganda supplements I instacarted because Iāve been having trouble sleeping.
Before the stroke, I would sleep at like 2, 3, 4 in the morning (on a weeknight!). After the stroke, I was sleeping more than half the day. I was also on medical leave and didn’t work for 6 months, so sleep filled up a lot of that time. I sleep a normal 8 hours now, but Iām usually in bed by 9 or 10. Iāve noticed that Iāve been staying up past midnight some nights, even though Iāve been in bed for hours. I had a restful sleep last night, but I took the gummies like at 9pm. I think I need to take them earlier, because it takes me a while to digest things. That’s why if I take an edible, I do it before an event and during the event, because it could be hours before I feel the effects š
I also did 30 minutes on the treadmill an hour after breakfast, lunch and dinner today. It’s the only way I’m gonna complete this Nike Run Club 60-mile challenge Shi has us on this month!
I was like, “Do I need to reset my chakras? Is Mercury in fucking retrograde?” Because I like to blame everything but my own life choices for my absolutely sour mood š
IDK why my dad has so many batteries. When I need one, I just take it out of my smoke detector š Considering Iāve almost burned down my apartment, I should probably take some of these batteries home…
When we were doing sake bombs at Yokohama Yakitori Koubou last weekend, Shi raised her shot and was like, “To the next step!” And Christine was all like, “What’s the next step?” And Shi was like, “The next step is death!” š¤£
I thought she was gonna cry when she told us about her son potty training and refusing to poo and her daughter almost getting sex trafficked at Sesame Place. Do we need to have an intervention, Shi??? Be honest š
It was not how I expected to spend my birthday week (or the first half of 2023), but thanks to everyone who sent flowers, stuffies and cards and have wished me well after my āmedical emergenciesā (theyāre calling it) to the hospital and to my sister who is taking care of me till my LOA is up in July, to Nicholas who shaved my chocha with clippers LOL and sang me HBD in the operating room, and to Nori who left the office to take me to the ER. Iām in LA this week for some appointments and Dr. Joshi says Iām āhanging on by a threadā (he doesnāt sugarcoat shit) while the rest of my doctors have told me they expect a full recovery in a few months. My therapist was surprised that it was a full moon (I showed her the moon phase widget on my watch lmao, nor that I believe in crystal energy) but all I know is I left my crystals charging on Pammieās rooftop before we left SD, because I need all the help I can get. Pardon me. I’m def less foggy, but I got 3 vaccines today LOL.
I caught my first cold in nearly three years and have been down for the past two weeks! Apologies to my new neighbor who’s had to listen to my nonstop coughing, sneezing, and four seasons of The Great British Baking Show: Holidays.
Welp, I have until 2035 to get my life together before I start driving an electric car that needs to be charged regularly.
Iām the type of person who doesnāt fill up their gas tank until Iām running on fumes (this picture was taken today).
I’m also the type of person whose phone is always on the cusp of dying or already dead (even though I work from home). Donāt even get me started on all my unread notifications.
When I woke up this morning, I laid my crystals out to charge under the full moon, washed my serotonin pill down with crystal-infused water, and cried into my acai bowl. Pre-pandemic me would never, but LA has changed me, y’all.
I donāt know if itās work, or my period, or the $25 I just spent on doordashing this acai bowlā¦ but Jesus, I got emotional. You should probably avoid this hot mess express for the next 3-5 days.
One year, we’re getting kicked out of bars downtown, and the next we’re staying in on a Saturday night with the kids (none of which are my own), drinking homemade sangria and playing chow crown. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Christine’s going to murder me for posting this LOL. Hopefully her three kids keep her too busy to ever read this thing!
I know so many people who are going through tough times right now (the death of a parent, the loss of their family home, and trouble conceiving, to name a few)… Besides LA traffic, my only other gripe is that I’ve been working long hours, and my postmates driver (that my work pays for) forgot to include utensils with my order last night, so I had to eat my calamari in my office with my bare hands like an animal. I feel like an asshole even mentioning it. All things considered, I have so much to be thankful for.
My Shi just got engaged to the love of her life, and I couldnāt be happier for her.
She gave me these two rose quartz crystals a few months ago, because ālove comes in pairs,ā she said. Iāve never been a believer of crystals, but I did buy this cute ass dish for them (I still believe in good home decor, after all). I keep them on my bar cart in the feng shui-recommended “love corner” of my apartment. The booze around it will likely be of more assistance to my love life than the art of feng shui or crystals, but I appreciate Shiās effort! Ha.
Not much has changed since Chelās diary entry from my 8th birthdayāI’m still fun at sleepovers, and we’re all still a little afraid of our cousin, May! Ha.
I love that she still has all of her old diaries. I used to send people handwritten letters, but I didn’t start documenting my life until I started this blog in my early twenties. I never expected to keep it going for this long, but here we are 15 years later! For the three of you who have stayed tuned to this blog, thanks for sticking it out with me after all these years. Hereās to the next 15!
At lunch today, our waiter told me he really liked my glasses when we first sat down, and later brought me some hot water, lemon and honey because he said he heard me sniffling. Deane said he wanted my dick, but I’m pretty sure he just wanted the tip š
I suppose in the end it’s almost too easy to look back and say what you should have done, how you might have changed things. What’s harderāwhat’s much, much harderāis to accept what you actually did do.
At home, at weekends or whatever, it wells up and I canāt handle it. But most of the time I can just about handle it, you sort of have to get through the day.
Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, Iām heavy, like thereās too much gravity on my heart.
She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because what difference does it make?
Why’s everyone still singing about California?
Haven’t we heard enough about the Golden State?
I guess if you like sandy beaches and blue ocean water
There’s something about it, to which I cannot relate
You should be watching Orange is the New Black, if only for sound advice from Yoga Jones. (She was the voice of Patti Mayonnaise if that helps sway your decision at all.)
Youāll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It wonāt matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, youāll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. Youāll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, youāll realize itās always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you wonāt understand why or how.
It took me so long to do so many important things. Itās hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I couldāve been. Jim was five feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. Itād be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that Iām a tragic person, Iām really happy now. But it would just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself, āBe strong. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast! Because life just isnāt that long!ā
I do try. I’m the one that never calls too often and acts like it’s no sweat. I’m the one that stays busy, a blip here and then there. You won’t find me anywhere too long beyond what is welcome. Right?
Truth is that I am uncool. Goofy when it’s harmless. Frightening when I lose footing. I’m terrified of being seen with my love hanging out.
I know. I’m fooling no one but myself. Everybody knows. Now. I got caught loving, longing, dancing well after the music stopped.
STEFAN: How does anyone ever seem to move on? CAROLINE: I think that someday, you’ll meet someone new, and you’ll fall madly in love, and you’ll have moved on without even realizing it.
Loneliness is lonely. I miss being in love and I miss being loved and I miss belonging to someone and I miss having someone to tell important things to and I worry that my missing those things will affect the choices I make and get me into trouble and I worry that Iāll forever feel like a dust mote floating around without anywhere to settle.
I forgot my cell phone in my car last night, and I didn’t realize it till almost midnight.
Can we just take a second to talk about my parking situation??? Okay so #1 I don’t have a designated parking spot. My garage is only big enough for my landlord’s BMW, his Mini Cooper and his diamond shoes. #2 I live on a one way street. If I can’t find parking (which is always), I have to go around the block and onto one of the busiest streets in Redondo before getting back on my street. Don’t even get me started on the street sweeping that happens twice a week. Sometimes, some asshole parks in the middle of two driveways and doesn’t leave enough room to park in front or behind them. And sometimes that asshole is me. But I digress.
It was already late, and I had to park two blocks away last night, so I considered staying off the grid till morning. Plus I had already taken my bra off, so I was in for the night. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to wake up for work without all the alarms I have set on my phone, so I grabbed my sharpest pair of fabric scissors (in case some beach bum tried to get crazy) and sprinted to my car. Okay so maybe it was more of a light jog. Get off me. Not only was I running with (fabric) scissors, but I was also running with no bra on, and that’s a dangerous situation in itself, amirite?
33 Facts You Learn About Mindy Kaling by Hanging Around Her
15. Right now, Kaling is single āand enjoying-slash-tolerating it,ā she says. āIt seems like when I have a serious relationship with someone, despite my schedule and everything else, they find a time to pursue me and date me. So I have this maybe naĆÆve thing of, like, āWell, theyāll just find me.ā You know? āThey will figure it out and find me and we will work it out.āā
16. Itās a belief that comes from how her parents met: In Nigeria, where her father was the architect designing the wing of the hospital her mother was working in. āShe didnāt plan it, it just happened,ā says Kaling. āShe moved to Nigeria to be a doctor and was just living there and my dad met her and he pursued her. And as my grandmother always said, the best relationships are the ones where the guy likes the girl a little bit more than the girl likes the guy. So great, Iām busy. Iām doing something I love. And if someone really likes me, they will come and find me. I donāt mean that like, āOh come find me.ā Like Iām this little daisy and Iām not a strong woman. I mean that if someone is willing, and they see what my schedule is, and they are really that interested, weāll find a way. I donāt have to change that much.ā
Everything happened so fast with the move that I didn’t have time to think about it. I’m so much happier at my new job, but I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my dog. Le’sigh.
But I believe good things happen everyday. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. That’s life, isn’t it?
Today, I found out that my BFF is pregnant with her third kid. It’s almost like I’m having a baby, too, but without the weight gain or the big boobs. Oh, wait…
heartworm, n.
a relationship or friendship that you canāt get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.
All or nothing was bullshit. It never worked out that way. Life was all about taking what you could get when you could get it and surviving when it wasn’t enough.
A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women. It’s not the guy who determines whether you’re a sports fish or a keeperāit’s you. Every word you say, every move you make, every signal you give to a man will help him determine whether he should try to play you, be straight with you, or move on to the next woman to do a little more sport fishing.
…although it’s questionable how publicly acceptable I look when I’m not at home!
Apparently, while I’m at work gchatting with my friends (which is frequentlyāunless my boss is reading this, in which case itās occasionally and only on nights and weekends), they’re at home wearing mascara while I’m out in public without a stitch of makeup on.
God forbid I run into the love of my life at Starbucks while wearing my yoga pants that, if we’re being honest, have never been worn to yoga.
Unless itās mad, passionate, extraordinary love, itās a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldnāt be one of them.
About how youāve never doubted for a second that Iām the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.
And I guess he had never felt that way with my mom, even at their best.
Thereās usually a scene in all my favorite shows that never fails to get me all choked up… like this scene from The Office where they explain how Jimās feelings about Pam is what caused Pamās dad to decide to leave her mom. Sometimes getting a taste of how things should be makes you realize youāre in the wrong placeā¦
DAVE: You might not meet not somebody tonight, but you will meet someone. PENNY: You promise? DAVE: Yes… as long as you promise to stop slobbering all over the champagne. PENNY: I can’t promise that.
ROBIN: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn’t exist. It just… ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always beā
TED: Unfinished. GaudĆ, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that’s not usually how it goes. Most of the time it’s just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be…
HAL: Well, let’s say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn’t come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe. OLIVER: I’d wait for the lion. HAL: That’s why I worry about you.
This past week, I received an email from an old high school friend I lost touch with, two of my old coworkers from two different jobs both texted me out of the blue wanting to hang out, and I just happened to cross paths with someone I haven’t seen in ten years. What’s next? The return of Crystal Pepsi?
Find a new home. A new apartment, a new house, maybe a new city… No one is keeping me here but myself.
Pay off my credit cards. I just paid off my car, but my credit card debt is seriously cramping my style.
Find a new job. It’s been over four years since I took this internship as a “stepping stone” towards my dream job. Two promotions and seven interns later, I know I’ve reached my full potential here and exhausted my stay.
Conquer the elusive French macaron. I’m going to bake a perfect salted caramel macaron, and it will be glorious.
Try new things. The same old is getting old. I can’t remember the last time I did something for the first time.
Travel more. Go somewhere I’ve never been before for more than just a weekend.
Appreciate what I have. I’ll try not to lose any sleep over the nine couples I know getting married this year. Yes, I said nine.
Procrastinate less. If being stuck with no gas at Anthony’s during The Great Blackout of 2011 taught me anything, it’s that Anthony uses Aveeno Skin Brightening Daily Scrub. And that I shouldn’t wait until my gas light is on for two days before filling up.
Take better care of myself. Eat better, exercise more, get regular checkups. Losing my aunt to lung cancer last year coupled with my mom’s painful battle with pancreatitis def put my health in perspective.
Be more organized. My dad once told me that guys like girls who are more organized. I used to think it was just something that he said to get me to take the half empty bottled waters out of my car, but now I’m not so sure.
Go to more music festivals. Outside Lands in SF last year was amazeballs. There are so many other festivals… Coachella in Indio, Lollapalooza in Chicago, Bonnaroo in Tennessee, SXSW in Austin… Where should I go next? Who’s coming with me? And most importantly, which festivals will Young the Giant be at???
I don’t know what’s sadderāthat I spent my last weekend in my twenties at yet another baby shower, or that I won the dirty diaper game by identifying 10 out of 10 melted candy bars (some without even having to smell them).
This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesnāt, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then thereās the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. Theyāve stayed in jobs they hate, because theyāre too scared to get another one. Theyāve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they donāt want to be lonely. They mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they donāt do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.
Donāt be like that. Donāt get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Donāt lose yourself at happy hour, but donāt lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.
Ask yourself some good questions like: āAm I proud of the life Iām living? What have I tried this month? What parts of my childhood am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep? Do the people Iām spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life thatās keeping me from moving forward?ā
Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe life is a grand adventure. Donāt get stuck in the past, and donāt try to fast-forward yourself into a future you havenāt yet earned.
Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along lifeās path.
Not only did I receive a reminder from Anthropologie that I’m turning thirty next month, but I also got stuck with a “family” frame (for the husband and kids I don’t have) at the white elephant gift exchange at my office today.
If only I had picked the booze that Jesse brought so I could drown my sorrows.
3:18 PM
Jesse: so im going to the home depot parking lot in 15 minutes to buy nye tickets from dude off craigslist
me:i hope you have your gat strapped
3:21 PM
Jesse: if im not back in 30 minutes, call the police cuz ive likely been stabbed and robbed
me: can i have your white elephant gift if you don’t come back?
Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant.
But it’s very important that you do it.
I tend to agree with the first part.
Don’t postpone what you want.
Don’t leave anything misunderstood.
Make sure the people you care about know.
Make sure they know how you really feel.
Because just like that… it could end.
As someone who relies on a Magic 8 Ball app to make my life decisions, it’s no surprise that I’m all about this wishful thinking crap.
And so today at 11:11, instead of wishing my usual wish that I won’t mention (partly because it won’t come true if I do, but mostly because it’s frowned upon), I wished for the speedy recovery of my best friend’s dad who suffered a heart attack and had quadruple bypass surgery yesterday. And for a miracle to happen for my mom’s sister who is back in the hospital and losing her battle with lung cancer.
I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldnāt be able to help falling in love with them.
I really hope no one was following me invisibly tonight, because they would have seen me in bed watching Remember Me while sobbing uncontrollably, and then watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show while regretting everything I’ve ever eaten in life and trying to suck in that little pouch where I keep my extra cookies.
Not only do I teach my interns how to polish a turd in photoshop, but I also encourage them to forego their grad school scholarships and follow their dreams.
Somewhere, right now, Angela’s grandma is giving me the stink eye.
Why You Need A Man, Not A Boy | Mindy Kaling via Glamour
Until I was 30, I dated only boys. Iāll tell you why: Men scared the sh*t out of me. Men know what they want. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isnāt on the floor. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how theyāre thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before.
OK, maybe men arenāt exactly like this. But this is what Iāve cobbled together from the handful of men I know or know of, ranging from Heathcliff Huxtable to Theodore Roosevelt to my dad. The point: Men know what they want, and that is scary.
What I was used to was boys.
Boys are adorable. Boys trail off their sentences in an appealing way. Boys get haircuts from their roommate, who ātotally knows how to cut hair.ā Boys can pack up their whole life and move to Brooklyn for a gig if they need to. Boys have āgigs.ā Boys are broke. And when they do have money, they spend it on a trip to Colorado to see a music festival.
Boys can talk for hours with you in a diner at three in the morning because they donāt have regular work hours. But they suck to date when you turn 30.
So Iām into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying man. I donāt care if he takes prescription drugs for cholesterol or hair loss. (I donāt want that, but I can handle it. Iām a grown-up too.)
When I was 19, my co-worker Mike took one look at my 21-year-old boyfriend and told me that I needed to date a real man (Mike was 30 with tattoo sleeves on both armsāI’m pretty sure he was talking about himself). Fast forward 10 years, and I’m still not dating real men! Maybe I’ll consider upgrading when I turn 30… in 3 months. Yikes.
If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.
Dinner with friends turned into an emergency girl boy session at Station Tavern last night. Afterward, I polished off an entire bottle of wine by myself like I was the one hurting! Or… like it was just another Tuesday. Ha.
August was a tough month for love! Hello, September. I hope you’re amazeballs.
The universe is obvi confused about what we want, judging by the excessive amount of emergency girl sessions, tears and vino consumed this past month. So the girls and I wrote our own letters to the universe last night and lit that shit on fire.
We were enjoying some sangria afterward when the man at the neighboring fire pit offered us some brisket. Was the universe answering my letter already? Maybe I should have been more specific when I said I wanted more meat in my life!
