💔

starsailor – Some of Us

My wandering soul
Found solace at last
I wanted to know
How long it would last

Blue Merle – Every Ship Must Sail Away

Oh, change is in the air
And you wear it oh so well
I asked you if you cared
If you care, I couldn’t tell

José González – Heartbeats

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

When I don’t have Food Network or ID on while I work, I’ve been watching old Bones episodes because they’re always showing it on BBC America and WeTV for some reason. They also have a channel called ‘ALF‘ that only shows old episodes of Alf 24/7 LOL. I used to watch Bones when it was on nearly two decades ago. I forgot how much I loved all the sad music 🖤

I’ll just be here from 9-10pm on Mondays for the next 2 months ✌🏼

Update: Logan Sandoval (winner of Barbecue Showdown, owner of ZEF BBQ in LA, and love of my life) is a contestant on this new season of BBQ Brawl, and my ass is wide awake now!

I’ll be at Petco Park at the Harry Potter Padres Theme Game that day, but I’ll be wearing my ‘Let Joey Eat’ shirt seeing how many bacon-wrapped hot dogs I can eat from Randy Jones Grill (is it still a contest if you’re the only one participating?) ✊🏻🌭

I was eating dinner, and my sister and her husband were watching House of the Dragon. I don’t watch it, so I was like, ‘Who’s that? Why’s everyone sad? What’s happening?’ and I was met with this look 😅

My toxic trait is that I talk and ask questions during TV shows/movies. I watched Game of Thrones when it first came out, but I stopped watching after they killed off Jason Momoa in the first season. I started watching it again from the 2nd season during the 7th season when I found out the 8th season was gonna be the final one. I was like, ‘How come no one talks about Rob Stark? He’s fine as hell!’ and Pammie was like, ‘Uhh…’ 😅 Spoiler alert: Rob Stark dies in season three.

Donna and her husband were vacationing on the coast, and she sent us a picture of the beach and was like, ‘David says this is where Dobby’s grave is!’ and I was like, ‘Dobby dies?!?!’ I’ve only watched the first four Harry Potter movies, so I didn’t know Dobby was murdered in the 7th movie. The last Harry Potter movie came out in 2011, so it’s my own damn fault for getting spoiled.

Me: Anyone else die in the movies?
Pammie: Sirius.
Me: What?! Wait, who’s Sirius again?
Pammie: Sirius Black. Harry Potter’s godfather.
Me: Ohhh. I confused him with Severus Snape.
Pammie: He dies, too.
Me: What?!

I’ve somehow avoided finding out the ending of Lost, even though the finale aired in 2010 😅

I have never had the desire to go to Florida before today 🙆🏻‍♀️🔪 (@ Cocktails & Screams)

Just Selena ‘sausage-maker’ Gomez living the dream at Moo’s Craft Barbecue in LA on today’s episode of Selena + Restaurant.

I usually have Food Network or ID on in the background while I’m working (it’s either Guy Fieri or Evil Lives Here, there is no in between). My sister uses the live streaming service, Fubo, and last week, they removed both channels (among others). You guys, IDK how productive I’m gonna be without Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives playing in the background ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Update: I signed up for Sling TV because I can’t live without Guy Fieri saying something is ‘out of bounds’. It came with a free month of Showtime, AMC+, Starz, MGM+ and Paramount+.

BRB I’m watching Past Lives on Showtime right now and crying.

Fun Fact: I’ve never seen a Star Wars movie, but I have seen The Mandalorian series, because Baby Yoda’s so dang cute.

We once did a collabo with Star Wars at work, and my boss had to explain to me what a Stormtrooper was, a Death Star, a Sith Lord…

I was gifted free tickets to Comic-Con one year. I knew I was out of place when I looked up at the big screen and thought aloud, ‘What movie is this?’ and some dude looked at me like I was crazy and said, ‘It’s Return of the Jedi!’ I’m pretty sure I was the only one within a 10-mile radius who hadn’t seen a single Star Wars movie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Undeniable chemistry and horrific timing. They love each other.

I’ll just be here for the next two weeks 💔

I’ve watched all of these TV shows/movies (Fleabag, La La Land, Normal People, and Past Lives) and can honestly say they’ve all made me ugly cry. The only one I didn’t love was La La Land, but this dream sequence was everything, though 💔

Congrats to Maneet Chauhan for winning Tournament of Champions for the second time! Her first belt was on display when we ate at her resto in Nashville, and now we have to go back there to see her second belt.

I have dreams about the chicken tandoori poutine I ate there 🤤

Trying to explain to Shi what ‘split’ sauce is reminded me of this scene from Schitt’s Creek 🤣 If we had a cooking show, I’m sure it’d be exactly like this!

I woke up with a tickle in my throat. I’ve literally only gotten one cold since the pandemic, and I’ve never gotten covid. I used to get sick all the time, but that was when I would go into the office every day, and I’d pick up everyone’s germs. I don’t know how I got sick, when I don’t go anywhere or see anyone. Maybe one of my doordashers was sick LOL. Anyway, it’s raining, so I’m just gonna stay in bed all day if you wanna come be the big spoon.

I hate exercising, but I’m competitive as fuck. I once won a Survivor pool without watching a single episode and almost won a March Madness pool at my work (I had the #1 bracket up until I lost the final game) even though the boys had to explain to me what a seed was 😆 I’ve also joined and won several biggest loser challenges (the only thing I lose is pounds!). Anyway, when Chel suggested we keep ourselves accountable by tracking each other’s daily steps using the Nike Run Club App, I was wary at first. My mom and sister already follow my blood glucose monitor readings (they granted themselves access while I was sick, I would never allow such an invasion of privacy otherwise), so they get notified if it’s too high and hassle me about what I’m eating. I’m just like, this ain’t social media. Stop following me! Let me eat this Crumbl cookie in peace 😅

We could never be friends if you don’t laugh at my jokes 😅

Three things you should know about me:

1. I nerd hard over the TV show The Rookie.
2. I throw a mean watch party.
3. I will use any excuse to make a charcuterie board.

The 100th episode of The Rookie airs tonight, and my charcuterie and I are ready. Here’s some snaps from my last watch party (The Rookie has a relatively small fanbase, but I promise there was at least one other person at this party LOL):

The cheese letters are extra, but so am I ✨

Chel is leaving for Hawaii tomorrow, and one of her sons was all like, “Please pray for all the hurt people on the plane.” And Chel was like, “What plane???” And he was like, “The plane we’re taking to Hawaii.” 😳 He’s always had a sixth sense about things. He sees his grandma all the time who used to live in that house and died long before he was born. This kid both amuses and terrifies me 😅

Sending all the positive energy their way for safe travels ✨

I had Food Network’s Worst Cooks in America on while I was working, and this was one of the contestant’s descriptions. I guess all the contestants are nepo babies, and this particular girl has an NFL dad turned restauranteur who spoils her. I can’t with these contestants 😂

I got a new phone today, because I shattered my screen last week when I was talking shit about Kylie Jenner 😅 I could’ve just replaced my screen like the last time I shattered it, but they’re on the iPhone 15 now and mine was a 10. I was due for a new phone LOL. Plus this new one has 1 TB of space, while my old one had 256 GB and the additional cloud space I pay extra monthly for has been full for 2 years 😅

S/O to the guy who helped me at Apple Otay Ranch and told me he liked my shirt. I was wearing my Original Berf shirt, and I love when people get the reference. I was like, “Thanks, it’s a collector’s item,” and he laughed and laughed and I left the store with a new phone and the biggest smile on my face.

Maybe more people will get the reference now that The Bear has swept the Emmy’s, Golden Globes and Critics’ Choice Awards.

She was, in fact, that girl. Stars—they’re just like us!

I used to watch Selena Gomez on Wizards of Waverly Place on the Disney Channel, and now I’m watching her cook with Chef Alex Guarneschelli on the Food Network. How fast they grow up 🥹

I usually have Food Network on in the background while I’m working, and I’ve never heard so many people mispronounce espresso (ex-pres-so), mascarpone (mars-car-pown), chipotle (chee-poll-tay) and jalapeño (ha-la-pee-no). I don’t expect a Green Bay fan white dude in the midwest to be able to roll their R’s and say birria, but how about you learn how to pronounce it first if you’re gonna make it on national television? I was plugging away at my catalog, and I was like, “If this guy says ‘beer-ya’ one more time…” 🤪

I sent Melissa O’Neil (my favorite actress from The Rookie) a birthday gift last July. I mailed it to the studio they film at (Paramount) right before SAG went on strike. They started filming again this week, and they held onto my package all these months and left it in her trailer! She posted this to her stories and called me TREASURE, y’all. I can die now.

You guys, Eric Winter‘s mom liked my post about Melissa 💀

I hardly ever post on my personal instagram account (one time, I went to do one of those “top 9 posts of the year,” but I couldn’t because I didn’t have 9 posts LOL). I post on my chenford account pretty often, though! Today, this video I edited to The Reason hit 10,000 likes, one of them being from HOOBASTANK! IDK if I’m more stoked Hoobastank liked my video or more embarrassed that they know (and now you know) I’m such a fan girl 😅

The actors strike is finally over! I manifested this moment with my Chenford prayer candle from my favorite TV show, The Rookie, so you’re welcome LOL (I also have one from Schitt’s Creek and Fleabag). Thank goodness our shows can start filming again.

With the exception of cooking competitions, I don’t watch reality TV. I can’t stand the Kardashians, I recorded The Bachelorette once when I was trying to catch a commercial and I must’ve said, “Is this real life???” a billion times during one episode, and whenever Nori tries to talk to me about Below Deck, I shut her down LOL.

It just all feels very scripted. No judgement if you enjoy reality TV. Just kidding (tons of judgement over here).

Where my seasonal depression lamp at? 😅

If you need me, I’ll be here ✌🏼

I was sitting in the In-N-Out drive-thru line with Pammie, and this particular line starts as two lines and funnels into one line to maximize space in the small parking lot. This car next to us tried to cut us off when it was our turn to funnel, and my sister was like, “Fucking bitch! She didn’t scissor!” I was like, “Scissor?! Do you mean ‘zipper’???” We couldn’t stop laughing 🤣

I sent this video to my work bestie, and she said I’m definitely Mitchell 🤣

Me every time the NFL commentators mention Taylor Swift during a Chiefs game 🙄

I’m already a monthly donor for ASPCA (to help animals in need. Also, the commercials and Sarah McLachlan got me. Plus I got a free t-shirt LOL).

Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

The Powerball jackpot is $1.7 billion tonight! May the odds be ever in your favor…

Happy 70th birthday to my pops! (@ Fogo de Chão)

I’ve never been to a Brazilian steakhouse before, but it was everything The Mindy Project promised it would be 🤣

Me after solving today’s wordle:

I love Filipino Kare Kare, and this restaurant makes it with BRISKET. I have to try it! BRB, looking up flights to Houston.

Googling “how to raise good cholesterol” because my doctor said my number should be higher, and the first suggestion is to exercise more 😅 I’m like, uhhh, can’t I just eat more fish??? 🤣

When my sister’s husband found out the Young the Giant show was rescheduled and I was going with Francis, he was like, “Christine must really trust you with her husband!” What can I say, I’m trustworthy as fuck ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But this is also me:

JK, Christine can rest! 🤣

Yvonne?! That’s a french ass name!

I’ve had Food Network on in the background as I’ve been working, and I always thought “star anise” was pronounced “star a-nees,” but I’ve heard both Chef Zakarian and Chef Symon call it “star a-nis” today, and I was like, “Why are they saying it like ‘anus’?” LOL. But I googled it and it is pronounced like anus 🤣

We used to sell these sabatier steak knives when I worked at Red Envelope, and I called them “saba-teer” for months until a customer pronounced it “suh-ba-tee-ay,” and I was like, “These knives are french?! How come no one told me???”

🤣🤣🤣

I used to watch Pee-wee’s Playhouse every Saturday morning when I was a kid, and I only know what the Alamo is because Pee-wee’s bike was hidden in the basement in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure LOL.

R.I.P. Paul Reubens 💔

The theme song for Evil Lives Here is easily the most perfect and creepiest intro music.

I love Michelle Buteau. She was the host of season 2 of Barbecue Showdown and she has a hilarious new show on Netflix, Survival of the Thickest. Before this, I’d seen her in a number of romcoms where she played the sidekick or a minor B character. I’m so glad she’s finally starring in her own show!

When my speech therapist suggested I read a book out loud to help with my voice (pretty much the only thing still noticeably affected by the strokes), I amazon primed Michelle Buteau’s book so fast.

…or how I start every 4th of July.

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was delayed for 2 hours because of the NYC rain, but I eventually got to watch Joey Chestnut win his 16th mustard belt 🌭

…or me whenever my sister tells me I should go on a walk or do my Breather exercises that my speech therapist told me to do. Basically, I don’t like any kind of exercise LOL. She’s always like, “You should be grateful you can still move and talk!” especially after her coworker told her that her cousin who’s the same age as me had a stroke and died. Ok fine, I’ll go on a walk and do my breathing exercises… *grumbles*

…or Jay’s message to me today after finding out about my strokes 🤣 I can totally hear him saying that! Except he says “skrong” like Kanye in Roses and “bitch” (also like Kanye in Roses).

I saw Kanye perform his debut album at 4th and B back in 2004. I miss the old Kanye.

Hey, Siri. Play the ‘Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley’ playlist.

Don’t mind me. Just re-watching old Ted Lasso episodes and loved this scene.

P.S. I’ve known Sade’s By Your Side was gonna be my wedding song ever since it came out in 2000 and I thought I’d be married by the time I turned 25 (I’m 41 now LOL).

The Ted Lasso series finale was so good! I’ve never been so invested in a fake sports show.

…or me telling everyone I know about Barbecue Showdown.

Mmm, Daddy 😈

Logan Sandoval is my favorite contestant on Barbecue Showdown.

He has a weekend pop-up in LA. Who’s coming with me???

Partly because it’s Meat Friday, but mostly because I’ve been watching Barbecue Showdown and I wanted to cross another one off of my BBQ Bucket List (@ El Barbecue)

My sister’s husband said we should only go there during the day (it’s in Sherman Heights across the street from a liquor store and a 24-hour taco shop AKA not the best area). That’s okay, they start selling ribs at 1pm anyway LOL.

The second season of Barbecue Showdown came out today on Netflix, so these are my plans for the weekend.

I’ve been to BBQ Showdown judge Kevin Bludso’s original location in Compton. He’s since moved to Fairfax, and he’s opening a location in Santa Monica this summer. Take me with you, and I’ll treat you to a Pink’s chili dog and some Brambleberry Crisp ice cream from Jeni’s after! None of which will hold up to my apartment in Redondo, so we’ll just have to eat it there! I hope you’re hungry 😏

Me: Waco? Oh, it’s the 30-year anniversary.
Pammie: What happened in Waco?
Me: What do you mean, ‘What happened in Waco?’ Waco’s only known for one thing!
Pammie: I only know Waco for the Magnolia Silos LOL.

Even if I didn’t love true crime, I’d still know what happened in Waco 🤣

P.S. If you weren’t alive for Waco in 1993, you are much too young for me LOL.

BRB crying.

God, I love this show. Thank goodness it was renewed! I’m still salty about The Company You Keep cancellation LOL.

These viagra commercials on ID are crazy LOL. I just wanted to watch some true crime.

My sweet friend surprised me with a Melissa O’Neil Cameo today (our favorite actress from The Rookie!). All of Melissa’s Cameo proceeds go to the Fresno Bully Rescue where she got her dog, Herc, who recently passed, so def get one from her if you can! Thank you, Heather! 💕

If you hear me screaming bloody murder, there’s a good chance I’m just enjoying myself.

🖤🖤🖤

“CORNER!” – me to absolutely no one while making a sandwich after binge-watching The Bear.

Chunky Monkey is my spirit animal.

Lady Marion Donutton of Quiksilver

(I knew I’d come to regret postmating Randy’s Donuts today.)

If you’re not binging Bridgerton, then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. Make haste, y’all!

…or what I tell myself when I have to work on the weekend and they forget the organic goji berries on the $20 acai bowl I just postmated.

Shi thinks I’m attracted to anyone with a beard, and she ain’t wrong. Also, why is this the second convo I’ve had about 90 Day Fiancé today???

I blame my love of questionable meat and going commando. Or maybe it’s just my fun, approachable vibe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Which Tiger King personality are you???

This billboard looks like the first thing I created in photoshop circa 1996. Has anyone else reached the Tiger King segment of their quarantine yet???

…or me when my bff’s family was done going around the table saying what they were all thankful for, and her 6-year-old daughter says, “Now let’s say what we hate about each other.”

I find this kid equally amusing and terrifying.

Same.

Can I get a Clearly Canadian to wash down these tofu balls? (@ Button Mash)

Actual footage of me picking up my food order during the Game of Thrones finale.

After setting up my projector and ordering food, I got in my car and realized my battery was dead. I must’ve left the dome light on Friday night when I was looking for that mango hi-chew that fell into the abyss.

The food was already paid for, so I had to take a lyft there and back to get it. Luckily, both of my drivers were more concerned about the rain in LA than the GoT finale. I called AAA when I got home, and the dude took an hour and a half to get to my apartment. Once he jump started my car, he told me that I should keep it running for another half hour! I got back home around 10pm after driving aimlessly in the rain and finally queued up the episode.

As it turns out, I didn’t need to partake in a social media blackout to avoid spoilers that night, because my entire evening leading up to the finale was more exciting than the finale itself!

The lack of casualties during the Battle of Winterfell does not bode well for my Game of Thrones Dead Pool entry, guys.

(Fucking Arya, though!!!)

Friends is Shi’s most favorite TV show ever, and Shi is our favorite bachelorette!

Shi chow-crowned an impressive amount of gummy dicks. Marry this woman already!

Don’t have to tell us twice (@ The Tipsy Crow)

This mechanical bull has seen better days, and so has my liver (@ Double Deuce)

It was so much fun partying like I was 21 again, but I spent the entire day in bed afterwards paying for it!

(Same time next weekend?)

—

Friends-themed food and drink ideas:

• Penis cake – “Emma’s 1st birthday cake”
• Cheesecake – “Chandler’s stolen cheesecake”
• Chocolate chip cookies – “Phoebe’s grandma’s cookie recipe”
• Quiche – “Monica’s finger nail quiche”
• Trifle – “Rachel’s Thanksgiving trifle”
• Charcuterie board with jam and crackers – “Joey’s uncircumsized deli meat” / “Monica’s jam”
• Crab cakes – “Ross’ free crab cakes”
• Chicken wings – “Monica’s bubble bath chicken”
• Sandwiches – “Joey’s ride along sandwich”
• Pizza – “George Stephanopoulos’ pizza” or “Ross and Rachel’s breakup pizza”
• Flan – “Rachel’s birthday flan”
• Chocolate torte – “Joey’s date’s chocolate torte”
• Lasagna – “Monica’s mom’s back-up lasagna”
• Mini muffins – “Ross’ basket of mini muffins”
• Salad – “Monica’s perverted salad” or “Rachel’s side salad”
• Punch – “Monica’s tiki death punch”
• Mac & Cheese – “Chandler’s righteous mac & cheese”
• Turkey sandwiches – “Ross’ stolen thanksgiving leftover sandwich (the moist maker)”
• Chocolate – “Monica’s mockolate”
• Assorted candies – “Monica’s little pieces of heaven”
• Fajitas – “Ross’ fine fajitas”
• Cups and ice – “Phoebe’s cups and ice”

Vendors/Supplies:

• Friends Cake and Cookies – Wednesday Cake
• Friends Bunting Banner, Food Signage, Shirts – Shashime Designs
• Friends Bridal Sash – Etsy
  
• Purple Balloons – Party City
• Oh Shit Kit – Amazon
• Drink Pouches – Amazon
• Chow Crown – Amazon
• Penis Gummies – Amazon

I used to paint my grandma’s nails when she was sick, and I came across this episode of New Amsterdam on her death anniversary today.

BRB crying.

You guys, my glasses just fogged up in the Whole Foods parking lot.

Could it be any more humid???

BRB binging in bed ✌🏼

Sick days are for Scandal marathons.

Bumble bio update: Must hate smoked BBQ beef ribs.

I just binge watched two seasons of Casual, and I can’t believe this lady is only supposed to be five years older than me.

In her defense, I get carded all the time. Also, some dude coaching youth track at the park during lunch last week asked me if I was in high school! Sir, if you’re trying to get me to join your track team, I’m in my thirties. And more importantly, I don’t run.

I’m pretty sure the victim in this episode stole my CD binder circa 2001.

We were watching TV at my mom’s house over the holiday, and right after they showed this part, my aunt paused it, turned to me with a concerned look on her face, and was all like, “You know you can talk to me, right???” I meannnn.

#1 How dare you?
#2 This explains so much.

Further evidence that Mindy and I were separated at birth.

Preach!

I caught up on seven episodes of How to Get Away with Murder with Pammie over the weekend. I’m dying to know what happens next, but I never watch this show by myself because I get too scared. I can’t wait till I’m home for Thanksgiving to find out who shot Annalise, so someone please come over when the new episode airs this Thursday!

Spoiler Alert: There will be frozen salmon from Costco (it’s the only thing I keep stocked in my fridge because holiday weight) and me with no pants on.

…or me on a juice cleanse.

I’m doing it partly in preparation for all the BBQ and bad decisions I’ll be making in Austin next week, but mostly because I bet Anthony that I could lose twenty pounds by the time we went to ACL or I’d pay for his BBQ at Franklin. These last five pounds can’t be zumba’d off in a week, so I made a game-time decision to bring my juicer out of retirement yesterday.

I can’t wait to go on vacation! And also eat solid food again.

Mindy is back and still living my life, obviously.

I used to take Vicodin before getting a Brazilian (until I discovered the touch of an angel named Linda @ Viva Brazil – now @ The Wax Studio!).

I haven’t gone to the dentist in a year or two (or five). I used to buy groupons in lieu of dental insurance at my old job, and I had a habit of letting them expire before I could ever use them. I’ve had dental insurance for the past three years at my current job, and I don’t know what to tell ya. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Same.

…or my belated attempt at getting that summer bods ready for Cabo.

10 more days!!!

amindofmadness:

In the venn diagram of men I’ve been involved with, these two qualities never overlap! :p

…or me when I get an email asking how I’m doing.

I either respond with 27 pages or I don’t respond at all. There is no in-between.

Also, my mom got me hooked on Mistresses, and Joss is my spirit animal, obviously.

Highlight of my day: After lunch with my coworkers @ Pitfire, the cute cashier slipped me a free jumbo chocolate chip cookie on my way out.

I met up with my coworkers outside afterwards, thrust my cookie in the air and was all like, “FREE COOKIE, BITCHES!” Our excitement was short-lived, though. When we got back to my car, I had two parking tickets—one for an expired meter (my friend paid the wrong one) and another for not having a front license plate (I mean, if my car was meant to have one, it would have come with holes drilled in it).

I owe the City of Manhattan Beach $96 for that free cookie!

You guys, The Mindy Project is over and so is my life.

Prepare for my gif collection to suffer.

I apologize to anyone who’s had the misfortune of traveling with me!

Countdown to Cabo:

• Flight and hotel booked ✓
• Passport renewed ✓
• Summer bods (pending)

Add a box of girl scout cookies and you’ve got my plans for this weekend.

Anthony had me create my own profile on his Netflix account so that my chick flick recommendations wouldn’t get mixed in with his chick flick recommendations, obvi.

If only Amazon Prime had this feature so I could stop getting his beard oil recommendations for a healthier, kissable beard.

Accurate.

I usually enjoy being on my back, but this is getting ridic.

I’ve been living off muscle relaxers, pain killers and salon pas for the past three weeks. The cause is still unknown, but I’m pretty sure I went too hard at the Paul McCartney show! Ha.

I’ve been stressed out at work lately, and the doctor thinks I might be carrying the stress in my back. If only he could write me a doctor’s note forbidding me to work overtime. It’s the least he can do, since he won’t prescribe me more vicodin!

LA opened its first Dunkin Donuts today, so I’m halfway there, you guys!

I obviously went too hard this past weekend. Somebody soup me.

If anyone can convince me to join Tinder, it’s Djengus Roundstone.

I hope the D’s not silent…

Darien waiting for a birthday surprise or channeling his inner Pennsatucky? You decide.

Accurate.

The power went out in my apartment building again last week! I was already running late, and I had to go back upstairs in the dark to tell the maintenance guy to manually open the garage gate so I could get to fucking work already. This has happened three times in less than two months! And these are only the incidents that I know of, because I spend less than 50% of my time in this apartment (unless a burglar is reading this, in which case I’m home all the time. Plus I always keep my sharpest pair of fabric scissors within reach. And I’m not afraid to cut you.)

Once I get my new car situation settled, I’m moving out of this overpriced shit hole and torching it on yelp!

I may or may not have binge-watched the entire new season of Orange is the New Black this past weekend.

…or when your plans get canceled because the power went out in your apartment building, and your car is stuck in the sub garage. Again.

Same.

Danny, you know my plan in an emergency is just to count to ten and wait for death’s embrace.

Further evidence that The Mindy Project is actually about my life!

Macarons, tea and my beansss!

OH MY GLOB <3 (@ Gallery 1988)

Accurate.

But would you throw your donut for me, be honest.

One of my randoms who I haven’t seen or responded to in five years hit me up late last night. Who does that??? Please just forget about me, just like you seem to have forgotten that you have a girlfriend and babies at home.

I’m so sick of these fucks.

Looks like I’ve locked down my birthday plans for 2014! Just kidding. The Golden Globes are also on that night.

Oh my Milo. Mob City has arrived.

My Epicurious Thanksgiving Feast pinterest board won first place and an All-Clad Stainless Roasting Set just in time for the holidays!

Now if only I could figure out how to roast a turkey…

Donuts help you realize what’s important in life.

Morgan Tookers is every guy I’ve ever been with.

I fear for Rick’s life.

My coworker brought in Randy’s Donuts this morning because she wants to ruin my life, obviously.

Bryan Cranston got my fan letter attracts the crazies.

Even though I just started watching Breaking Bad last month, I still feel like I’ve lost a friend. A brilliant, sociopathic, meth-cooking friend.

Same.

Just Adam Levine being the light of my life as usual.

My work is hosting its third weight loss challenge this year, and I’m joining for the third time! It ends the week before Thanksgiving… just in time to gain some holiday weight go shopping with my winnings 😉 I’ve also decided to go gluten-free during the contest! Yikes. Thank yeezus for gluten-free vodka! I’m gonna need it…

You should be watching Orange is the New Black, if only for sound advice from Yoga Jones. (She was the voice of Patti Mayonnaise if that helps sway your decision at all.)

Jesus Christ, Marie. It’s called twerking!

Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for reminding me why I canceled my cable. I regret nothing! Also, after binge-watching all five seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix over the past two weeks, I can now get back to my regularly scheduled life, yo!

I love that my new Apple TV allows me to stream episodes of Modern Family from my iPad mini to my HDTV while freeing up my macbook pro for some light internet stalking.

…or how I wake up my coworker when we have to work on a Saturday.

…or me watching the final episodes of The Office. I CAN’T EVEN.

OneRepublic – I Lived

Me, too, ‘Nard Dog.

It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could’ve been. Jim was five feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person, I’m really happy now. But it would just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself, ‘Be strong. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast! Because life just isn’t that long!’

All my favorite vampire couples are breaking up. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the love between immortals. Why even bother setting up an OKCupid profile???

Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t be mad if this happened on the regs.

tessism:

Oh, so that’s where you’ve been.

It’s like watching myself on TV.

LSP is my spirit animal. BUMPS ♥

All I want in life.

STEFAN: How does anyone ever seem to move on?
CAROLINE: I think that someday, you’ll meet someone new, and you’ll fall madly in love, and you’ll have moved on without even realizing it.

Same.

Girls = new obsession.

This show is depressingly relatable. Also, you can get this book on Amazon.
(Don’t ask me how I know.)