The voice of reason strikes again.

If my sister and I share a love of anything, it’s the dulcet tones of Sam Smith, and winning. She is next level when it comes to fantasy football and being the only girl in her league!

…or the only day Anthony gets to have his wood between my legs and his meat in my mouth! Not gonna lie, he smokes some damn good BBQ…

I hope Bangkok doesn’t have him now (@ LAX)

The last time Paul McCartney played a show in San Diego, I wasn’t even born yet. But I grew up listening to the Beatles because my dad would blast their records and play along with his guitar when I was a kid. I always thought he was their biggest fan, but Anthony might be giving him a run for his money.

Since none of our friends are going to the show with us, I’ll probably have to be Anthony’s emergency contact for when he faints like a fangirl at a Michael Jackson concert! Ha. When I asked my dad if he wanted tickets for his birthday, he said that he already bought tickets for himself, my mom and their friends before I even got mine. My bad, presale! Maybe someone else can be Anthony’s emergency contact after all.

I need new friends. And a new car 🙁 It’s officially totaled!

She knows me too well.

FILE UNDER: Reasons I can’t talk to you rn.

The hideousness of my hand will haunt my dreams forever!

(But at least my boobs look great.)

HOME DEPOT DUDE: So you want these cut at 22.5 inches?

ME: (showing him my measuring tape) Can you add one of these little guys?

HOME DEPOT DUDE: You mean 1/16th of an inch?

ME: Oh, is that what you call it…?

…

I never feel as stupid as I do when I’m at Home Deeps. I promise I’m, like, way smarter outside of the store (ignore my contradictory burnt toast post below).

TRADER JOE’S CASHIER: You just get out of work?

ME: Yeah, these heels are coming off as soon as I get home.

TRADER JOE’S CASHIER: I like to take my pants off right when I get home. I’m not even through the door yet, and I’m already unbuckling my belt.

…

You guys, I think I found the one <3

FILE UNDER: Reasons why we’re single.

ME ON FRIDAY:
Have fun in SF, Deane! I won’t go to Glazed Donut Bistro without you.

ME ON SATURDAY:

When my sister woke me up from my food coma to break the news of Paul Walker‘s untimely death yesterday, I thought I was dreaming. But then it became Facebook official, and everyone started texting me to make sure I wasn’t hanging from my shower rod.

On a scale of 1 to Dawson, how ugly is my cry face right now???

Happy 55th birthday to one crazy broad! At her birthday dinner last weekend, our waiter thought that my mom was my sister. He also didn’t card me when I ordered my vodka. #1 How dare you? (I have the face of a goddamn minor!) #2 I hope I look as young as my mom does when I’m in my fifties!

I love that Anthony answers my butt dials while he’s out protecting our homeland, even though I don’t answer his intended calls while I’m having a netflix marathon working! Ha.

If Anthony thought I was sleeping with someone every time I deliberately missed his calls, I would have screwed all of Manhattan Beach by now.

Either they haven’t cleaned my desk out since I left my last job (almost a year ago!), or some squatter has taken up residence underneath my old desk…

I told the bestie to tell my favorite third grader that it’s easy to get confused… sometimes I have a little bit of both in me 😉 Ha! Just kidding (I’ve never have Chinese in me).

…or how I wake up my coworker when we have to work on a Saturday.

When my mom texts me to call her ASAP, I expect there to be some kind of emergency. Like my grandma is back in the hospital. Or there’s a new episode of Scandal on that night and her DVR isn’t working again. Yes, she considers that an emergency. And yes, I inherited her flair for the dramatic, obviously.

She just wanted to make sure that I got her earlier text to stop by Porto’s and bring home a dozen potato balls when I visit SD this weekend. I meannn. She also thinks that since I live in LA, I’m close to everything in LA. It will probably take me an hour to get to Porto’s after work on a Friday night! She’s lucky I love potato balls her.

These are obviously in order from least to most important.

After working twelve hours of overtime yesterday, I deliriously spent the rest of my night listening to the new Strokes album and watching pole dancing videos on YouTube with this clown.

I REGRET NOTHING.

I need new friends. Preferably with lower triglyceride levels and more years to share.

This is pretty much how the rest of my day went.

BRB winning at life.

Um, of course my #choking playlist has Young the Giant on it… as does my workout playlist and my baby makin’ playlist. Just kidding. (I don’t have a workout playlist.)

I’m horrible at returning messages… I currently have 403 unread emails in my inbox! If it seems like I’m ignoring you, I probably haven’t gotten to your email yet. (But if your name is Anthony, I’m really just ignoring you.)

Chatting with you is the only thing I’m going to miss about work! It puts a smile on my face when you send me nick@nite texts and pictures of your 22″ hot dog, so try not to forget about me after I blow this popsicle stand!

Oh my glob, you guys!

You know I’m moving, not dying, right? Ha. I’m only going to be a couple hours away. Besides, I have a year’s worth of free Nothing Bundt Cake bundlets to claim from their Mission Valley store, so you know I’ll be down in SD at least once a month (if you thought I was leaving my voucher with one of you clowns, you were mistaken!).

You know things are bad when you start to consider the conductor of a park train and your friends are encouraging that shit!

Your sunshine is as blinding as ever, Shirley May.

Apparently, I’ve agreed to hike up Mount Woodson at an unholy hour on my day off tomorrow! I don’t even know who I am anymore…

We’re pretty much the coolest people I know.

I’ve had to choose between sleeping and reading these past few nights, and the latter always prevails.

That awkward moment when you realize you were listening to Taylor Swift when your private session timed out on Spotify.

Taylor Swift – Last Kiss
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/taylor swift – last kiss.mp3]

All that I know is I don’t know how to be someone you miss

Last night’s happy hour turned into eight hours of sangria swirl margaritas at La Puerta, sake snow cones at Gaijin, beers at Blind Lady Ale House, and vodka at The Ould Sod.

I def won’t be drinking tonight… or maybe ever again.

Justin Bieber – Boyfriend
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Justin Bieber – Boyfriend.mp3]

Oh, sweet jesus… there’s a video.

Sometimes I feel bad for Jesse because he’s one of the only dudes in the office… but then I remember that he gets to work with me, and I don’t feel bad for him anymore! Ha 😉

Or… Belle, Jesse and me at happy hour last night.

Is it weird that I have half a baguette in my tote bag right now?

The Perishers – Sway
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/The Perishers – Sway.mp3]

Not only did I receive a reminder from Anthropologie that I’m turning thirty next month, but I also got stuck with a “family” frame (for the husband and kids I don’t have) at the white elephant gift exchange at my office today.

If only I had picked the booze that Jesse brought so I could drown my sorrows.

Some days, we only speak in movie quotes.

Can’t a girl have options???

JESSIE: Your turn, Mayan!
SHI: You’re having another sake bomb?
CHRISTINE: She’s had a rough week!
SHI: It’s only TUESDAY!

There’s an indirect correlation between the amount of work I get done and the number of gchats I have going at any given time. Today is Friday so… you do the math.