FYI I’m romantic as fuck.

Apparently, Dumbledore died ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Is this like the time we were watching the fourth Matrix, and Pammie was like, “Neo looks so old,” and I was like, “Wait… who’s Neo?” 🤣 In my defense, I’ve only seen the first Matrix movie when it came out it 1999. I still can’t tell you what the matrix is!

This is why people don’t like watching shit with me 😅

Are you even really friends if you don’t coordinate your brazilians???

P.S. I discovered Linda 13 years ago! She has since left Viva Brazil and does house calls now if you ever need your vag waxed in SD 😅

When someone asks me what my limit is for an *NSYNC concert (it’s $1,000 for Beyoncé):

Justin Gaspar from Hommage Bakehouse (who won Hulu’s Baker’s Dozen) made pizzas during the party and they were so good. He liked my Boo Berry Krispie Treats and his wife was the first person ever to compliment me on my Original Berf shirt, too, so they’re good people 😆

We came for the pizza, but stayed for the gender reveal!

It has been a hard IVF journey for my dear friend after battling breast cancer, and Jessie surprised all of us by telling us that the surrogacy’s pregnancy took and baby boy Cuevas is coming March 2024!

We are simply overjoyed 🥹

The DMV approved my application for a Disabled Person (DP LOLOL) placard if you want to hang out and get primo parking 😂 You guys, this placard even lets you park on an on-street metered parking space at no charge or in an area that requires a resident permit! Should I update my Tinder bio to include this??? JK, the placard is more of a third date reveal 🤣 I could also get you a discount at the Skechers Food Spot LOL. IDK why I’m single when I come with all these perks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I once got 3 parking tickets in one weekend, so this placard is gold 😅 In my defense, parking in LA is a nightmare.

I was totally this kid. I could never find my bus tickets, even though I took the bus to school every morning and night up until high school LOL. They were just loose in my backpack. I still feel panic and anxiety as an adult whenever I get to the drive through window and I’m not ready with my credit card even though I’ve been sitting in line for twenty minutes 😅

Accurate ✌🏼

Shi says it’s still too soon for stroke jokes 😅 *laughs awkwardly*

P.S. When I say I can eat anywhere, I mean it. My friend and I once went to lunch with this vegan girl who insisted we choose the restaurant (“I can find vegan food anywhere,” she said), and then she insisted we order and eat in front of her even though the restaurant was “garbage” and she wasn’t gonna order anything. Most awkward lunch ever! I kept stealing glances my friend as I nibbled on my salad, and she was just going to town on her food like, “She said to eat in front of her, so I’m eating!” 🤣

Young the Giant is always a good idea (@ CalCoast Credit Union Open Air Theatre)

One of Francis’ friends was working security, and he was like, “Yooo, you like Young the Giant?!” like it was a bad thing 🤣 Is this like when I liked Hoobastank?! 😅

Even though my calves burn with the fury of a thousand suns (our seats were at the very bottom and it’s a looong way to the top where the drinks are), YTG is always worth it.

Here’s Francis and I texting each other during the show because our seats were right in front of the speakers and we couldn’t hear each other LOL:

Young the Giant tonight! Christine sent us this video of a guy crying at the Beyoncé concert, and we’ve been laughing for a million years.

The last time Jessie and I went to a game together, we ran into my brother-in-law at Las Hadas afterward and he told Pammie, “Tell your sister she was sloppy.”

Jessie and I got roofied once at The Waterfront (Pammie’s like, “Please try not to get roofied tonight,” and Jessie was like, “We didn’t try the first time!” LOL) and she and Christine had to pick my ass up from under a bridge downtown one morning another time after my walk of shame. My twenties were wild 😅

I got into the uber and told Jessie I already pre-gamed with a gummy because it takes a long time for me to digest, and she was like, “Do we need to call Christine already???” but our standby was already tipsy because she and Allyn took the kids to D&B’s and had their own Asian Night 🤣

Do boys not like morbid girls???

IDK if I was a bad driver before the strokes, but I definitely was bad at Wordle 🤣

Contrary to popular belief, driving in LA made me a more aggressive, better driver. Even though I’m Asian and a woman 🤣

Bey in LA this weekend, anyone???

JK, I think we settled on the Padres game this Saturday ⚾ Or we can pretend we’re 21 again at El Dorado one last time. We used to go there for drinks, and I’d wake up the next morning with a half eaten burrito next to my face LOL. I used to be fun 😅

I sent this video to Jessie because she has chickens, and I’ve been laughing for 100 years 🤣

I wasn’t planning on seeing Beyoncé this weekend. I only brought my Original Berf and Michael Myers shirts 😂 (I obviously wasn’t planning on meeting the love of my life, either). Do I need to go shopping???

What, your friends don’t send you pics of their husbands? 🤣

Also, you can always count on Christine for the two finger zoom in LOL.

My friends are the best 🙃 Most of my responses have been redacted to keep up the illusion that I’m a nice person 😅

Everybody’s like
“He’s no item”
“Please don’t like ’em”
“He don’t wife ’em”
“He one nights ’em”

Cedrik Lorenzen videos and cackles at dinner with the girls last night ♥️

I gotta stop hanging out with my friends’ husbands LOL.

Can someone go to my apartment and make sure there’s no mold growing in my portable A/C unit? 😅

me: Are the fries at The Counter skinny or big?
Dennis: They’re skinny like you.
me: Skinny fries are my favorite! Okay I’m not gonna go to dinner with you guys when we get to Vegas. It’ll be after 9pm and I’ll be sleeping LOL. I’m just gonna grab something at the airport.
Dennis: I lied before. The Counter’s fries are big. Now you have to eat dinner with us!
me: Joke’s on you. I like ALL fries!

I love a good french fry, and Eater came out with The Top 10 French Fries in LA. I’ve been to 3/10 of those places (Majordomo, République, and Father’s Office). Anyone want to eat some french fries with me???

#TBT to that time I almost got into a fight at a Padres game (last weekend).

We had good seats in Section 110, but spent most of the time in the lawn area, partly because Shi was there with the kids, but mostly because it was near Hodad’s and the theme giveaway line.

Our tickets were $100+ each and parking was $55! Is this how much it costs to go to a game now??? I sound like my dad LOL. He was just saying he remembers when basketball playoff floor seats were only $500. When??? 40 years ago when the Clippers were a San Diego team? 🤣

They’re building the Clippers a new stadium in Inglewood, down the street from where I paid $60 for parking for Dua Lipa last year (then I paid an extra $10 for a locker because my purse was too big!). It’s less than 20 minutes away from my apartment, but I’m not gambling with rideshare prices.

Sometimes I have to remind myself, “You’re in your forties now. You need to calm the fuck down.” 😅 I think I got my fire from my mom’s side. When I was a little kid, my mom and her sisters got into a fight with these girls at Potomac Park because they wouldn’t let my grandma use the water fountain. I just remember them ripping the braids out of the girls’ heads and taking their watches LOL. They were in their twenties back then, but they’re just as fiesty in their sixties now. Don’t mess with the Cuevas girls!

We paid our respects at Jocelyn’s mom’s viewing tonight. No one wore booty shorts (@ Glen Abbey)

Hopefully the señorita bread we brought made up for us not voting for her for homecoming queen 20-something years ago. It felt like high school all over again (I’m still hanging out with the same girls and I had a carne asada burrito for dinner LOL).

My parents are dog sitting the goodest boi ever for the next month and they are so excited. The dog, not so much LOL.

I rarely eat rice or pasta now, but I still allow myself the occasional cinnamon roll or cookie. I’m not a psychopath 😅

I need this gummy bear-scented deodorant in my life.

P.S. If you knew me when I was GUMMYI3EAR@aol.com, I’m sorry LOL.

I use this Merriman gif any chance I get because he’s the only jersey I have (I bought it before he choked Tila Tequila and before the Chargers left San Diego, but regrettably not before he got that stupid “Lights Out” tattoo on his forearm).

…or me telling everyone I know about Barbecue Showdown.

Me: Waco? Oh, it’s the 30-year anniversary.
Pammie: What happened in Waco?
Me: What do you mean, ‘What happened in Waco?’ Waco’s only known for one thing!
Pammie: I only know Waco for the Magnolia Silos LOL.

Even if I didn’t love true crime, I’d still know what happened in Waco 🤣

P.S. If you weren’t alive for Waco in 1993, you are much too young for me LOL.

Are you laughing at your own joke???

– Pammie to me as I’m texting Alicia and dying of laughter

When you’re staying at your parents’ house because your sister and her husband are going to Vegas for his birthday.

Never mind that I ran out of underwear, bring my electric pepper grinder LOL.

This article explains so much 🤣

Sidenote: The only place I’ve ever drank water from the tap is when I stayed at the Ace Hotel in Portland. The water from the kitchen faucet was so cold and refreshing. I would never drink the water from the tap from my apartment in LA! LOL. Not even if that shit was Brita’d (I would sooner get a bottled water from the liquor store next door or the gas station across the street!).

I ordered some selenite charging plates because I thought I wasn’t spending enough money on crystals.

Because of Nurse Ratched, I’ve lost 35 pounds and gained $25k. She runs a tight ship LOL.

We went to our cousins’ grandma’s viewing yesterday, and a) no one told me there were raisins in the empanadas (FYI I hate raisins in savory things, and I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen) b) Young the Giant will be played at my funeral and c) my browser history needs to be cleared when I die 🤣

Jessie and I always joke that I’m gonna marry her husband following her untimely death 🤣

These memoji are so accurate 🤣

Well, I don’t work there for the 50% discount 🤣

Do you stay up at night googling if cat mamas get sad after you give away their kittens or are you normal???

Doesn’t it, though???

P.S. Blue Salt is amazing, near my apartment, and you should totally take me there.

I filed to extend my leave because I’m not ready to go back to work yet! ❤️‍🩹 I haven’t even driven since the incident, you think I can design for the interwebs?!

P.S. One time, we went to LA for some doc appointments, and we didn’t take my car, so my sister left my car keys in San Diego (along with my apartment keys attached to them) and we had to stay at the Marriott (and we never let her forget it) LOL.

Also, the first time I hiked Torrey Pines with Shi years and years ago, we parked so far and we were walking for so long and I was like, “We haven’t started hiking yet?!” LOLOL.

I’m v serious about the half a dark salted caramel I allow myself once a day LOL.

I’ve dropped 30 pounds ever since my sister canceled my DoorDash membership in January, and I don’t DoorDash breakfast and dinner 5 days a week anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Does anybody want a kitten??? 😿

My sister won’t let me have a cat at her house LOL.

My dream is to have two animals (either a dog and another dog, a dog and a cat, a dog and a bunny, etc.) and for them to be best friends.

My sweet friend surprised me with a Melissa O’Neil Cameo today (our favorite actress from The Rookie!). All of Melissa’s Cameo proceeds go to the Fresno Bully Rescue where she got her dog, Herc, who recently passed, so def get one from her if you can! Thank you, Heather! 💕

See’s is everywhere in LA, and I never understood how they stayed in business until I had a Dark Scotchmallow in my thirties.

I ordered some limited edition Dark Mint Scotchmallows from their website (they were sold out for St. Patty’s Day at my local See’s), and I allow myself half a piece a day LMAO.

(FYI, I also like Dark Salted Caramels and Toffee-ettes.)

I love that even when we’re in the four corners of the world we still find time to check in (yes, LA, SD, Vegas and AZ are the four corners of my very small world.) Happy 40th birthday, bb! Thanks for all the yummy grain-free treats you’ve sent my way (even though I eat them with half a cinnamon-raisin bagel) and for teaching me how to play dominoes (even though I beat you). I will watch Physical: 100 with you (because you like K-Dramas, but I also draw the line at commentary LOL). Callie soon!

SNL stole my skeezy joke and I am deaddd 🤣

I don’t know where this line of questioning was going, but it def wasn’t going anywhere good! Ha. Some people aren’t worth the trouble…

(Is he single now though??? JK JK LOL 😬)

Excited to get some italian beef in me next weekend. Any other Chicago recs besides an underground donut tour? 😂

The day I eat a floor burrito is the day I give up on life.

Our project manager put in his notice yesterday, the other senior web designer has been out sick since last week, and my boss just went on vacation today. Everything’s fine 😅

I apologize if you knew me and my brown chola lip liner in the 90s!

Contrary to popular belief, DTF is just a dim sum place I ate at with Christine, Pammie and Jessie today.

Also, I didn’t realize that venmo automatically adds my phone contacts to my friend list, which would explain why I know that the guy I sold tickets to on craigslist in 2012 paid for his share of the wifi bill last month.

You ask for ketchup at a steakhouse once and nobody ever lets you forget it.

Luckily, my neighbors drive maseratis and porsches, so my mazda hatchback and glove compartment full of hi-chews went untouched.

What religion is this and how do I convert???

Shi thinks I’m attracted to anyone with a beard, and she ain’t wrong. Also, why is this the second convo I’ve had about 90 Day Fiancé today???

You guys, this quarantine is really domesticating us.

Also, never have I ever texted / facetimed / zoomed so much in my goddamn life. I can’t promise that this blog won’t devolve into just screenshots of me talking to people. Fair warning.

I’m one revision away from breaking some muthafuckin’ knees! Just kidding (please don’t furlough me).

I put on my brows for this happy hour, but I did not put on my pants.

I blame my love of questionable meat and going commando. Or maybe it’s just my fun, approachable vibe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Which Tiger King personality are you???

Add one of my ex’s becoming my parents’ mailman to the list of bizarre things to happen in 2020.

The last time Christine was my wingwoman, Jessie and I ended up roofied at The Waterfront! Was it her fault or the mocktails? Who really is to blame???

BRB postmates is outside with my seafood risotto.

Adding to my list of dating requirements:

– Must be born before I started high school
– Must be less sloppy than me (if only slightly)

I should really start wearing pants to bed in preparation for the big one.

I’ve been thinking about dropping Apple for months now, and when a Black Friday deal popped up for the new Google Pixel, I couldn’t pass it up. As soon as I hit ‘confirm purchase’ though, I was immediately filled with regret. Will I miss being able to airplay youtube videos to my Apple TV? How about airdropping photos from my phone to my MacBook Pro? CAN I STILL SPEAK IN EMOJIS??? I mean, how will my friends (who are 99% iPhone users) know if I’m in need of a soft pretzel? I just checked with one of my only android friends, Nori, and we were able to see each other’s emojis. Phew! Crisis averted, y’all.

NOTE TO SELF: Don’t check your group e-mail about Shi’s bachelorette party on your work computer.

I learned the hard way. Like so, so hard.

Only three things still warm this heart—dogs, cute guys and booze (in that order).

If you don’t share a brazilian waxer, are you even really friends???

File under: Things I do for my mom, along with sleeping outside an Elam’s Hallmark at Grossmont mall for beanie babies and losing my seat on a plane to get her a Starbucks mug during my layover in Phoenix.

Dinner with my main chicks (@ Sweet Chick)

My parents are livin’ la vida loca in Cancún while I’m over here trying to plan the earliest Friday night ever. What has my life come to???

It’s been a rough week with my 4th place bracket finish, Channing and Jenna’s uncoupling, and now this earthquake today.

At least I’m going to Disneyland tomorrow! Let Alicia’s birthday weekend commence 🎉

I need to make a change.

I think the bigger question is whether or not I’d be willing to let it go for someone who refers to Santa Monica as “SaMo”.

A simple thank you will suffice!

My sister went to Christmas mass while I stayed home to avoid burning for my sins wrap presents at the eleventh hour! Ha.

We all float down here (@ Reading Cinemas Grossmont Center)

I came to get scared, but I stayed for the dick jokes and NKOTB references! It was funnier and less scary than I remember the original being 27 years ago. Not gonna lie though, I still avoided eye contact with the sink drain while brushing my teeth last night.

My boss texted me this picture of my car when she went out for lunch today. This is why she gives me USB cables and portable battery chargers for Christmas. She’s also the one who bought me a fire extinguisher after I almost burned down my apartment!

Yeah, I have no idea why she hired me.

I’m sick and I have to wear pants to bed??? Ugh.

We had a sub in cardio hip hop yesterday, and now I’m wondering whether to apply ice or heat (@ Culture Shock Dance Center)

My dear friend, Christine, is officially engaged! Just a year ago, we were livin’ la vida loca in Cabo, and now she’s got a baby and a fiancé! Time moves so quickly around here. It seems like only yesterday, Christine, Jessie and I were at Blind Lady talking about the crapshoot that was the three of us, and now I’m the last one standing! The only time I’ve ever felt bad about being single is when I got into a car accident this year and had to be rescued by someone else’s husband. I was standing there at the auto shop watching them lift my car up, and my best friend’s husband was there talking to the mechanic for me, and my heart sank. Partly because they told me how much it would cost to fix my alignment, but mostly because I forgot how nice it was to have someone there to help me.

The few single friends that I have are serial daters. Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid… If there’s an app for it, they’re on it. And although I pretty much pioneered online dating 20 years ago with my first AOL boyfriend (LoL), I would still prefer to meet someone IRL. Even though most of the guys I meet in real life are assholes. My problem is that I like assholes. If Christine and that rock on her finger taught me anything, it’s that you don’t always end up with the kind of guy you’re used to being with. I definitely have a type. If they’re bearded, witty and/or an asshole, all the boxes are checked. Maybe if I go for a nice guy with a babyface who tells mediocre jokes, the outcome will be different. I guess I’ll never know since the guys my friends want to set me up with have girlfriends already! Ha.

Unsolicited fact about me: Inflatable tube dudes are one of my favorite things in the world.

This was like the time Paul Walker died, and everyone was texting me to make sure I wasn’t hanging from my shower rod (with the exception of Shi, of course, who was texting me corgi vids instead).

Rest in paradise, Prince! May you purify your soul in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Going to a rap show and staying out till 2am on a Tuesday reminded me that I’m no spring chicken anymore. I used to be able to hang on a weeknight, but now I just get hungover! So this weekend, I was happy to do lowkey adult things like apartment hunting, grocery shopping and laundry. I even woke up at an ungodly hour to shop the early bird sales. Now I can’t wait to go to sleep on my new Vera Wang sheets and mattress topper (it’ll change your life, I swear). This old lady’s ready for bed!

It took me 4 hours to drive down to San Diego for Christine’s baby shower, and I arrived with less than an hour left to partake in the taco cart. After stuffing myself with 5 tacos (the 5th one was a mistake!), I was told that the taco guy was staying an extra hour, and I didn’t need to eat all those tacos in record time.

At least the taco vendor didn’t mistake me and my food baby for the pregnant celebrant (sorry, Jessie! LOL).

Touché. I’ve always loved Justin Bieber a man with Rubik’s cube solving skillz. Add a Costco membership and I’ll likely have his babies.

I did more cleaning in the hour before Shi came over than I’ve done in the six months since she was last here! Off to Big Sur…

I downloaded the transitory app partly because of craigslist killers, but mostly because my friends go on sketchy tinder dates.

If I’ve ever slept over at your house, you’ve probably heard me gag while brushing my teeth and I’ve probably thrown up in your sink. It’s part of my charm.

…or one of the few things I wake up early on a Saturday for! 😉

You bring a donut to one marathon and no one ever lets you forget it.

(But still bring those donuts though.)

I apologize to anyone who’s had the misfortune of traveling with me!

Countdown to Cabo:

• Flight and hotel booked ✓
• Passport renewed ✓
• Summer bods (pending)

You’re late to everything you’ve ever attended in life, and no one ever lets you forget it.

Even my phone is trying to tell me that I need cardio in my life.

The voice of reason strikes again.

If my sister and I share a love of anything, it’s the dulcet tones of Sam Smith, and winning. She is next level when it comes to fantasy football and being the only girl in her league!

…or the only day Anthony gets to have his wood between my legs and his meat in my mouth! Not gonna lie, he smokes some damn good BBQ…

I hope Bangkok doesn’t have him now (@ LAX)

The last time Paul McCartney played a show in San Diego, I wasn’t even born yet. But I grew up listening to the Beatles because my dad would blast their records and play along with his guitar when I was a kid. I always thought he was their biggest fan, but Anthony might be giving him a run for his money.

Since none of our friends are going to the show with us, I’ll probably have to be Anthony’s emergency contact for when he faints like a fangirl at a Michael Jackson concert! Ha. When I asked my dad if he wanted tickets for his birthday, he said that he already bought tickets for himself, my mom and their friends before I even got mine. My bad, presale! Maybe someone else can be Anthony’s emergency contact after all.

I need new friends. And a new car 🙁 It’s officially totaled!

She knows me too well.

FILE UNDER: Reasons I can’t talk to you rn.

The hideousness of my hand will haunt my dreams forever!

(But at least my boobs look great.)

HOME DEPOT DUDE: So you want these cut at 22.5 inches?

ME: (showing him my measuring tape) Can you add one of these little guys?

HOME DEPOT DUDE: You mean 1/16th of an inch?

ME: Oh, is that what you call it…?

…

I never feel as stupid as I do when I’m at Home Deeps. I promise I’m, like, way smarter outside of the store (ignore my contradictory burnt toast post below).

TRADER JOE’S CASHIER: You just get out of work?

ME: Yeah, these heels are coming off as soon as I get home.

TRADER JOE’S CASHIER: I like to take my pants off right when I get home. I’m not even through the door yet, and I’m already unbuckling my belt.

…

You guys, I think I found the one <3

FILE UNDER: Reasons why we’re single.

ME ON FRIDAY:
Have fun in SF, Deane! I won’t go to Glazed Donut Bistro without you.

ME ON SATURDAY: