I woke up to three messages on my phone from Il Postino at two in the morning. Nothing good ever happens at that hour.

(image via thewordsalloverme)

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

Okay so my friend just totally had a baby. She didn’t even know she was pregnant! She had back pain and went to the ER, and they told her that there was a baby inside her causing all that pain! WTF? There’s an entire show dedicated to this sort of thing on the Discovery Channel. It’s like one of those things that you think will never happen to you or anyone you know. I feel like I would just know if I was pregnant. Like how do you not know? Wouldn’t you feel it? Except this one time, I was lounging around our hotel room in Vegas, and I didn’t notice that my right boob had fallen out of my dress when I got up to get more wine. It was like a scene out of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, sans the speed dating. I was walking around and Marisa was like, “Your boob! Your boooob!” You’d think that I’d notice with the breeze and everything, but I didn’t. Hmm… Maybe I should get my babymaker checked to make sure there’s no Mexican hiding in there.

We all fall for them. Pricks are spontaneous, unpredictable and fun—and then we’re surprised when they turn out to be pricks.

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it’s best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It’s like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won’t give you any. Maybe he’s got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he’s being reasonable from his point of view. So don’t hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It’s ice cream or nothing? Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

I forgot how much I loved this song until I heard it again watching Ray and Chubbs play Guitar Hero World Tour. Enjoy.

Coldplay – “Shiver”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/shiver.mp3]

From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep
I’ll be there by your side just you try and stop me
I’ll be waiting in line just to see if you care
Oh, did you want me to change?
Well, I changed for good
And I want you to know that you’ll always get your way
I wanted to say…
Don’t you shiver?

SpongeBob SquarePants – “Don’t be a Jerk (It’s Christmas)”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/spongebobxmas.mp3]

Don’t be a jerk, it’s Christmas!
When others are talking, never interrupt
Don’t put people down or leave the toilet seat up
It’s the time for family and holly and turkey
‘Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky

Things just keep going. We didn’t talk about anything heavy or light. We were just there together. And that was enough.

Il Postino and I dated on and off until he broke my heart last winter. He didn’t talk to me for eight months afterwards. He brought a new girl home for Thanksgiving. And the past two times he has contacted me, she just happened to be out of town.

But when I’m with him, I can’t seem to remember any of that.

He took me to see the meteor shower late last night. He picked me up at my apartment and we carried on as if those gaps between our visits didn’t exist. We got to the beach and were literally the only ones there. Maybe the weekend rain had scared everyone off. We lay the blanket on the sand under a patch of sky that wasn’t covered in clouds and waited… I was cozy in his jacket and gloves, with my head resting on his pillow. Michael Jackson songs played on his iPhone while we talked about the movies we had last seen—something we always used to do together. He told me I would like “Leap Year.” I overlooked that he had seen all of these movies with someone else. He said he would be satisfied if he saw twenty-six shooting stars and asked me how much I’d be happy with. I told him that I couldn’t think of a number, but I would just know when the time came. Being there with him was enough for me. I counted thirteen shooting stars and made a handful of wishes before we left. It started raining on the drive home. We both had work in the morning. I didn’t expect him to stay, but he stayed. I noticed that he always sleeps on the right side of the bed. He reached for my hand and closed his fingers over mine. I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He said that he wasn’t. That they were just friends. That they were never a couple. I wanted to believe him. We talked about why I was moving. We talked about his family. He said that his youngest sister has been mad at him since he moved out. I told him that she just misses him. I fell asleep to the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. He stayed with me till morning. And then he left.

If he wanted to be with me right now, he would be with me. I can’t keep putting my life on hold every time he decides to make a cameo. His appearances aren’t without expectations, and I find myself searching for hidden meanings behind his every word and action. I think he doesn’t want to lose me… but he doesn’t want to keep me, either.

Rihanna – “Stupid in Love”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/stupidinlove.mp3]

They’re telling me let go
He is not the one
I thought I saw your potential
Guess that’s what made me dumb

Cinematic Orchestra – To Build A Home
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/tobuildahome.mp3]

‘Cause I built a home for you, for me
Until it disappeared from me, from you

(image via weheartit)

(image via Le Love)

John Legend – “Everybody Knows”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/audio/everybodyknows.mp3]

And I hope one day you’ll see nobody has it easy
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best… I guess

(image via lovebot)

Lykke Li – “Possibility”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/possibility.mp3]

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know

I regret the way pain has taught me nothing.

Don’t call me past 11pm
It won’t happen again
It happened once
It happened twice
It happened three times
Maybe four times
Maybe five times
Maybe, maybe it happened six times
But it won’t happen a seventh time

I’m a magnet for unavailable men. Physically unavailable. Emotionally unavailable. Is it too much to ask that you not be in a relationship before making a pass at me?

Meiko – “Boys with Girlfriends”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/boyswithgirlfriends.mp3]

I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends
Oh, I know better than that, I know better
You play the victim and I’ll be the bad guy
I know better than that, I know better

(image via ffffound)

How do I slow down?
I can’t relate to my heart now
I’ve thrown what I’ve known
Is enough of me out?
I’m running on empty
I’ve gotta find some way
To fumble right through this new heartache
It’s torn me apart
Oh, lovesick mistake
Turn me away

I went to see Erin McCarley at Soma last night with Chel and Shi. I think she is so amazingly talented and underrated. She reminds me of one of my favorite Stella Im Hultberg paintings, Until the Day—beautiful, but painfully sad.

Don’t repeat chapters; the ending of the story will never change.

I saw him last night. He felt like home and I let him in, forgetting that he had broken my heart last winter. I wonder how many times we’ll say goodbye before we actually let go.

(image via daily post-its)

Sometimes you have to forgive people just because you want them back in your life.

Il Postino called me last night. I still recognized his phone number, despite having deleted it from my phone last year. He was over a thousand miles away for the reserves and the last person I ever expected to hear from. Eight months later, he apologized to me… I can’t remember the last time I slept this well.

This phrase has never bothered me more than it did today (maybe because it’s true).

(image via finallyseeing)

Watch 500 Days of Summer… It’ll change your life, I swear.

Sara Bareilles – “Gravity”
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/gravity.mp3]

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not.

Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It doesn’t actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should. When someone you’ve promised to cherish forever says, “I never loved you,” it should kill you instantly. You shouldn’t have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn’t know.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ”Maybe we should be just friends” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

– Neil Gaiman

Charlotte Sometimes – Toy Soldier
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/toysoldier.mp3]

Take it back
All I’ve ever said
All the things I never really meant
Take me back I want my toy soldier
It’s okay if we play pretend
I promise to forget you’re plastic
And on my shelf
Let’s fake romance and I’ll be someone else

Last night, I heard his name and the word “girlfriend” in the same sentence.

We’ve always been on again, off again, on again, off again… I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road we would be on again. Again.

Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will.