Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate!

My sister’s mother-in-law always treats my family out to lunch on major holidays at Barona (where she’s a Diamond member), so I made her an Easter-themed charcuterie board. I also made one for my mom, because I know that crazy b will be butt hurt if I give one to my sister’s MIL and not her 😆

Here for the sides ✌🏻

They call me ‘Salami Mami’ (JK, no one calls me that LOL).

My friend told me once that giving birth to her kids ruined her tits and her nipple to breast ratio. I was like, ‘Are they like a pepperoni on an english muffin?’ and she was like, ‘More like a salami on a Ritz cracker!’ 😅 So now I can’t make a charcuterie board without thinking about her big ass salami nipples 🤣

I love Rice Krispie Treats. I used to pick up a Marshmallow Dream Bar whenever I’d go to Starbucks and wash it down with a venti Pink Drink. Nowadays, Nori makes me get an unsweetened iced green tea from Starbucks after splitting a donut from Randy’s. What has become of my life???

Anyway, I thought I’d indulge a little for the holidays with these Fall Leaves Rice Krispie Treats 🍁

Pumpkin pie hack: I got a big ass pumpkin pie from Costco, used a biscuit cutter to cut out individual servings, and topped them with whipped cream and a sprinkle of pumpkin pie spice. Adorable!

My sister’s husband braved Costco, and I instacarted everything else I needed.

Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Grandma’s birthday, or a Thursday, I always make Furikake Chex Mix.

I will always pick a regular potato over a sweet potato, except when it’s baked into a casserole with candied pecans and covered with marshmallows.

My cousin’s wife’s name is ‘Kass,’ and she says it’s short for ‘Kassandra,’ but he tells people it’s short for ‘Casserole’ 🤣

Did they not have PF Chang’s chicken lettuce wraps at the first Thanksgiving in Plymouth, Mass?

If your family doesn’t gamble at holiday parties, are you even Asian???

Three things you should know about me:

1. I nerd hard over the TV show The Rookie.
2. I throw a mean watch party.
3. I will use any excuse to make a charcuterie board.

The 100th episode of The Rookie airs tonight, and my charcuterie and I are ready. Here’s some snaps from my last watch party (The Rookie has a relatively small fanbase, but I promise there was at least one other person at this party LOL):

The cheese letters are extra, but so am I ✨

I think miniature versions of things are the cutest, so I made these adorable mini chicken and waffles. I just bought some Eggo Minis, a tray of Chick-Fil-A Nuggets, these cocktail picks, and served it with some quality maple syrup. So cute!

My chocolate bread pudding fixes things in the universe.

My charcuterie boards always have a theme 🎄

I made my banana nut bread last Thanksgiving and was asked multiple times where I bought it! Now I have to make it for every family party.

Is it even an Asian party if you don’t play games for money??? I learned that my cousin’s husband moves really slow after eating edibles and I suck at flip cup when I’m completely sober 😅

I was too busy taking pictures of my food to take any pictures of myself, but I wore this cute ass Christmas light strand sequin sweater dress that was festive as fuck 🎄

It’s leg day, y’all! 🍗

I had to get this tiny cornucopia, partly because it’s Thanksgiving, but mostly because it reminded me of The Hunger Games.

My mom’s deep fryer decided to stop working after we already dry rubbed four cornish game hens, so my uncle just deep fried them on the stove in a big ass pot of peanut oil. They turned out great! They were so small, they looked like baby birds, but I was assured these weren’t babies LOL. One time, I was watching an episode of Chopped, and one of the secret basket ingredients was a suckling goat and I burst into tears and changed the channel when I saw it. As a rule, I don’t eat any baby animals. Only fully grown animals that have had a good life 😆

Update 11/24/2023: Pammie told me that cornish game hens are slaughtered when they reach 4 WEEKS of age, so I won’t be eating them anymore 😅

King crab legs were on sale for $199 for 10 pounds at Costco! I’ve seen it upwards of $400, so this was a steal. Plus, we were near the Costco Business Center, so we went to that one and there were no lines on a Saturday!

Pumpkin pie hack: I bought a big ass pumpkin pie from Costco, used a biscuit cutter to cut out individual servings, and topped them with whipped cream and a sprinkle of pumpkin pie spice. Adorable!

The Costco Business Center doesn’t have a bakery (or food court), so we went to the Grossmont Costco and it was CRAZY. There is a hell, and it’s the Costco in La Mesa the weekend before Thanksgiving.

My banana bread fixes things in the universe.

If your family doesn’t gamble at holiday parties, are you even Asian???

What better day to carve pumpkins than Friday the 13th? 🎃

I’m the ghost with the most, babe 🖤

What, you don’t like Beetlejuice??? It’s OK, the flame will keep me warm at night. JK there’s a fake candle in there. You almost burn down your apartment once (OK, twice) and people don’t let you forget it. Alicia gave me a Dole Whip Candle from Disneyland and I was like, “I’m not allowed to have an open flame.” 😅

Thanks to Jessie for helping me carve my pumpkin. AKA she carved most of it while I ate s’mores and watched 😂 It was her first time carving a pumpkin, and she loved it! She was like, “Did I just learn a new trade???”

Jessie fell to the ground laughing after Christine asked if we were carving Albert Einstein 🤣 It was like when we were watching America Says and the board was “Famous Mustaches” and one of the answers was Groucho Marx and Pammie was like, “Who the hell is Groucho Marx? Richard Marx‘s brother???” LMAO she was serious! I was eating and spit my food everywhere!

My Halloween snack game is to die for 💀

My favorite Spicy Vodka Pasta from Jon and Vinny’s, but make it spooky 🦇🎃

I’ll pretty much find any excuse to make a charbooterie board.

Meat:

• Salame di Parma
• Spicy Sopressa

Cheese:

• Sharp Cheddar (cut with a pumpkin cookie cutter)
• Roquefort
• Brie
• Cranberry Chèvre
• Creamy Toscano Cheese Soaked in Syrah

Fruit:

• Blackberries
• Oranges
• Cornichons
• Blueberries
• Dried Apricots
• Raspberries
• Pomegranate Seeds

Extras:

• Maple Almonds
• Fig Spread
• Cracker Assortment
• Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps

Decoration:

• Skeleton
• Acacia Serving Platter
• Autumn Flowers

And make a punch-a-bunch for the kids.

And make s’mores.

And witch finger pretzel rods.

And use my plastic vampire teeth.

And my skull pan.

Love, love, love Halloween and these girls so much 🖤

My sister’s husband is convinced that I secretly have a poster of Joey Chestnut in my apartment, and I can’t confirm or deny that.

Red, white and blue (cheese) – I was that asshole at three different grocery stores looking for that slice of heaven that is humboldt fog in the artisanal cheese aisle to complete my board.

Views and ‘cue – two of my favorite things. This private rooftop is a dream.

Not pictured: me almost lighting my hair on fire after some lunatic let me be in charge of the short ribs

Listen, sometimes you have to choose between buying a box of costco king crab legs or paying your rent. Luckily, Pammie bought these babies and afforded me another month in my studio. Ha.

Is it even a party if you don’t stock your wine fridge with white claw???

Alicia got me this icee machine for my birthday a few years ago, and I don’t know why I waited so long to bust it out (besides diabetes and the lack of counter space). I’m pretty sure Shi and I had more icees than the kids did!

Christine came through with the Crumbl cookies!

Added bonus: The rooftop has a clear view of the fireworks from the olympic training center.

I hope everyone’s 4th was as lit as the illegal fireworks we bought on the side of the road!

Thanks to Pammie for hosting the best party ever at her new digs! Same time next year???

Thanks to all the moms out there (and to tiktok for teaching me the art of salami roses!). If this graphic design thing doesn’t work out, I think I’ll just make charcuterie boards for a living.