Darien waiting for a birthday surprise or channeling his inner Pennsatucky? You decide.

Accurate.

The power went out in my apartment building again last week! I was already running late, and I had to go back upstairs in the dark to tell the maintenance guy to manually open the garage gate so I could get to fucking work already. This has happened three times in less than two months! And these are only the incidents that I know of, because I spend less than 50% of my time in this apartment (unless a burglar is reading this, in which case I’m home all the time. Plus I always keep my sharpest pair of fabric scissors within reach. And I’m not afraid to cut you.)

Once I get my new car situation settled, I’m moving out of this overpriced shit hole and torching it on yelp!

I may or may not have binge-watched the entire new season of Orange is the New Black this past weekend.

…or when your plans get canceled because the power went out in your apartment building, and your car is stuck in the sub garage. Again.

Same.

Danny, you know my plan in an emergency is just to count to ten and wait for death’s embrace.

Further evidence that The Mindy Project is actually about my life!

Macarons, tea and my beansss!

OH MY GLOB <3 (@ Gallery 1988)

Accurate.

But would you throw your donut for me, be honest.

One of my randoms who I haven’t seen or responded to in five years hit me up late last night. Who does that??? Please just forget about me, just like you seem to have forgotten that you have a girlfriend and babies at home.

I’m so sick of these fucks.

Looks like I’ve locked down my birthday plans for 2014! Just kidding. The Golden Globes are also on that night.

Oh my Milo. Mob City has arrived.

My Epicurious Thanksgiving Feast pinterest board won first place and an All-Clad Stainless Roasting Set just in time for the holidays!

Now if only I could figure out how to roast a turkey…

Donuts help you realize what’s important in life.

Morgan Tookers is every guy I’ve ever been with.

I fear for Rick’s life.

My coworker brought in Randy’s Donuts this morning because she wants to ruin my life, obviously.

Bryan Cranston got my fan letter attracts the crazies.

Even though I just started watching Breaking Bad last month, I still feel like I’ve lost a friend. A brilliant, sociopathic, meth-cooking friend.

Same.

Just Adam Levine being the light of my life as usual.

My work is hosting its third weight loss challenge this year, and I’m joining for the third time! It ends the week before Thanksgiving… just in time to gain some holiday weight go shopping with my winnings 😉 I’ve also decided to go gluten-free during the contest! Yikes. Thank yeezus for gluten-free vodka! I’m gonna need it…

You should be watching Orange is the New Black, if only for sound advice from Yoga Jones. (She was the voice of Patti Mayonnaise if that helps sway your decision at all.)

Jesus Christ, Marie. It’s called twerking!

Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for reminding me why I canceled my cable. I regret nothing! Also, after binge-watching all five seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix over the past two weeks, I can now get back to my regularly scheduled life, yo!

I love that my new Apple TV allows me to stream episodes of Modern Family from my iPad mini to my HDTV while freeing up my macbook pro for some light internet stalking.

…or how I wake up my coworker when we have to work on a Saturday.

…or me watching the final episodes of The Office. I CAN’T EVEN.

OneRepublic – I Lived

Me, too, ‘Nard Dog.

It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could’ve been. Jim was five feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person, I’m really happy now. But it would just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself, ‘Be strong. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast! Because life just isn’t that long!’

All my favorite vampire couples are breaking up. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the love between immortals. Why even bother setting up an OKCupid profile???

Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t be mad if this happened on the regs.

tessism:

Oh, so that’s where you’ve been.

It’s like watching myself on TV.

LSP is my spirit animal. BUMPS ♥

All I want in life.

STEFAN: How does anyone ever seem to move on?
CAROLINE: I think that someday, you’ll meet someone new, and you’ll fall madly in love, and you’ll have moved on without even realizing it.

Same.

Girls = new obsession.

This show is depressingly relatable. Also, you can get this book on Amazon.
(Don’t ask me how I know.)

File under ‘reasons I can’t go out this weekend’.

You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies, and you’re calling it love. And in the meantime, you’re letting your whole life pass you by while they raise children, and celebrate anniversaries, and grow old together. You’re frozen in time. You’re holding your breath. You’re a statue waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Living for stolen moments… you keep telling yourself they all add up to something real, because in your mind they have to, but they don’t. They won’t. They never will, because stolen moments aren’t a life. So you have nothing. You have no one.

I regrettably opted for self-installation.

#thisiswhyimsingle

BRB dying.

9:30 in the morning might seem a bit early to chalk this day up as a loss, but I’m going to do it anyway. This does not bode well for my weekly weigh-in tomorrow.

The sound that came out of my mouth was not human.

At last, an MTV show I can get behind.

This makes me miss home.

OLIVIA: I wait for you. I watch for you. My whole life is you. I can’t breathe because I’m waiting for you. You own me, you control me, I belong to you…

FITZ: You own me! You control me. I belong to you. You think I don’t want to be a better man? You think that I don’t want to dedicate myself to my marriage? You don’t think I want to be honorable? To be the man you voted for? I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re the love of my life. My every feeling is controlled by the look on your face. I can’t breathe without you. I can’t sleep without you. I wait for you, I watch for you. I exist for you. If I could escape all of this and run away with you? There’s no Sally and Thomas here. You’re nobody’s victim, Liv. I belong to you. We’re in this together.

…

I stayed home from work for a couple of days this week… partly because I have the flu, but mostly because I wanted to catch up on Scandal!

I may be a little late to this party, but how awesome is this show???

The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping

Happy birthday to the oldest 32-year-old I know! Love you, Pammie ♥

…and I thought I was having a shitty week. Seriously, whose tooth is it, Michael???

I baked this chocolate babka over the weekend, and it tasted exactly like the chocolate strudel from Extraordinary Desserts! Even with my new stand mixer, food processor, and Pammie’s forearms, it took hours to make. I’m pretty sure time started moving backwards as I waited for this shit to rise (twice!). I literally pulled them out of the oven at 2am and was too tired to have my way with it till morning.

Here’s Martha Stewart’s recipe if you have two pounds of chocolate and five sticks of butter laying around. This recipe yields three loaves, so I think you should make some and share it with your neighbors. Especially if you live near me.

Apparently, by the time a woman hits 30, she loses about 90% of her eggs.

This may be the red devil in my belly speaking, but who wants to go halfsies on a baby two-pack of First Response fertility tests???

When I went to my sister’s house in the OC to watch The Walking Dead premiere, I didn’t really think about having to drive an hour back home by myself. Or going home to an empty house past midnight… Yikes!

I hate when that happens.

Sarcastic asshole? Check.
Man’s man? Check.
Danny Castellano is clearly my type.

Evidence that The Mindy Project is actually about my life.

This pretty much sums up every conversation I’ve had in LA.

Lucky for me, I’ll be escaping Carmageddon II this weekend to be in SD for Pammie’s bridal shower! Can’t wait to see you clowns 🙂

Holy pelvic thrust, Robin!

Did anyone else spend their Saturday night in their bra and underwear watching JGL on SNL???

Yeah, me either.

Honey Boo Boo‘s mama is only 2 years older than me! I have so much to look forward to.

After waking up every day at an unholy hour, driving upwards of 2 hours each way, putting 550 miles on my car, and paying $46 in toll fees to commute back and forth between my sister’s place in the OC and my job in Manhattan Beach, I’ve finally moved into my new place in Redondo Beach! I couldn’t be happier that I’m only 2 streets away from my work now.

When I found this steal on Craigslist and submitted my rental application, the landlord who lives upstairs mentioned that he loves Filipino food and has never met a Filipino he didn’t like. I mean… if he only leased the bottom floor of his townhouse to me because he thinks I know how to cook Filipino food, then he’s in for 3 months of disappointment!

Everything happened so fast with the move that I didn’t have time to think about it. I’m so much happier at my new job, but I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my dog. Le’sigh.

No time! There’s never any time!

Chatting with you is the only thing I’m going to miss about work! It puts a smile on my face when you send me nick@nite texts and pictures of your 22″ hot dog, so try not to forget about me after I blow this popsicle stand!

I’m officially the new Web Designer for Skechers! LA, here I come… Yikes!

Clearly, some galactigeek has been using my Amazon Prime account…

(I’m talking to you, Shirley May!)

I have exactly one week to learn these dance moves before my grandma’s birthday party.

ROBIN: She’s got you on the hook.
TED: What? I’m not on the hook.
ROBIN: Ted, “right now” is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase.
MARSHALL: Yup. “Right now” paints a picture of some sort of magical future time when everything will work out, but the truth is, that will never happen.
ROBIN: You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around—it’s a nice little ego boost. She’s stringing you along. She’s not committing to you, but she’s keeping you around just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.

Um, who’s buying canned chili and not eating it immediately???

I can barely move my arms after working out with Jesse. I have blisters on my feet from yesterday’s hike with Shi. And while I wore pants, a long-sleeved shirt and a hat to protect my skin, the small area of my chest that was exposed got sunburned.

I think my body is rejecting me.

That 4-hour hike up Mount Woodson was brutal, but I somehow made it to the top and back down again with a little determination and a lot of blood in my shoes.

Milo Ventimiglia—a founding member of my freebie five—is suiting up as a mob lawyer in Frank Darabont’s new TNT drama, L.A. Noir.

Barnito Supreme speaks the truth.

I was roped into participating in an office juice cleanse. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and it kind of feels like the first day of school. Minus the fact that you get to eat solid foods that day. I’m pretty sure we’re all going to hate each other by EOD.

Most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.

When I woke up to the smell of bacon this morning, I was thrilled—until I realized it was the smell of my thigh burning.

I fell asleep with my laptop on my bed last night, and Macbook Pros are notorious for running ridiculously hot. But since I’m a heavy sleeper who needs three alarms to wake up, I didn’t even flinch when the power adapter came in contact with my bare thigh and gave me a crazy second-degree burn! It’s pretty gnarly, and I can’t wear pants for the next week or so.

Oh, well. I don’t like wearing pants anyway.

I get that a lot.

I’m probably not going to reblog New Girl gifs for the rest of the night. But also… I might. 

They just aired the season finale of New Girl. Let the ugly crying commence!

RUSSELL: Look, Jess, I’ve already done the crazy, explosive passion thing. When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper… I’m not looking for that anymore.
JESS: I understand. But I am. And I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.

Sandwiches and sex? I want that.

Nick Miller is my soulmate.

Via Slowly, But Shirley:

He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. About how you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I guess he had never felt that way with my mom, even at their best. There’s usually a scene in all my favorite shows that never fails to get me all choked up… like this scene from The Office where they explain how Jim’s feelings about Pam is what caused Pam’s dad to decide to leave her mom. Sometimes getting a taste of how things should be makes you realize you’re in the wrong place…

I wanted to have red puffy paint blood dripping from the easter eggs, but I thought the bloody zombie bunny was morbid enough for my favorite 8-year-old. Maybe next year.

Christ promised a resurrection of the dead. I just thought he had something different in mind.

DAVE: You might not meet not somebody tonight, but you will meet someone.
PENNY: You promise?
DAVE: Yes… as long as you promise to stop slobbering all over the champagne.
PENNY: I can’t promise that.

Alex Kerkovich is officially living my life.

GPOY.

Is it 5 o’clock yet?

ROBIN: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn’t exist. It just… ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be—

TED: Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that’s not usually how it goes. Most of the time it’s just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be…

Some friends of mine are running this zombie infested 5K obstacle course race. I’ve done 5Ks before, but this pretty much sounds like the makings of my worst nightmare!

In related news, I’m all caught up with The Walking Dead. What am I supposed to do now?

Happy 29th birthday, Gus (that’s short for “Me gusta Jess!”). Enjoy your last year in your twenties! After this, it’s all darkness. Ha!

Charlotte Sometimes is on The Voice! Waves & The Both Of Us got me through some shit with Il Postino years ago! So excited to see her on the show. Now I have a reason to watch besides Adam Levine’s beard (as if that wasn’t reason enough).

Charlotte Sometimes – Pilot
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Charlotte Sometimes – Pilot.mp3]

And when I say that you should stay
Remember what I’m drinking’s cheap
And I’m a pilot and I am steering deep

This is pretty much how my first day back at the gym went down.

SCHMIDT: Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, you die… just a little bit. It’s like a copy of a copy.
JESS: Lucky us, we get to go out looking for some straaange. Happy V-day, playa!
SCHMIDT: Holla!

Rusted Root – Send Me On My Way
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Rusted Root – Send Me On My Way.mp3]
Thanks to this week’s episode of New Girl for my new ringtone! Expect to see these dance moves every time I get a text message…

If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing. Timing. But timing’s a bitch.

RUXIN: Because of that HR asshole, I have no computer access to league activities. So I’m using my old personal email address—
KEVIN: herdsman@earthlink.net?
RUXIN: No.
PETE: yaya@yahoo.com?
RUXIN: If you must know, it’s the_ruxtor18@hotmail.com.
PETE: I can’t tell what’s funnier—is it that you chose “the ruxtor,” or is it that you have an actual Hotmail account, the official email for foreigners and poor people?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love Pete from The League. I knew I wasn’t the only one who judged others by their email provider!

Sure, I used to be YummyMAYANaze@hotmail.com. And maybe on AIM, too. And okay, before that I was GUMMYI3EAR@aol.com (yes, that “B” consists of a lowercase “i” and the number 3). I’m obvi still yummy and I still like gummybears, but you don’t see me bragging about it on my GeoCities website!

(I’m really dating myself here, aren’t I?)