These memoji are so accurate 🤣

Well, I don’t work there for the 50% discount 🤣

Do you stay up at night googling if cat mamas get sad after you give away their kittens or are you normal???

Doesn’t it, though???

P.S. Blue Salt is amazing, near my apartment, and you should totally take me there.

I filed to extend my leave because I’m not ready to go back to work yet! ❤️‍🩹 I haven’t even driven since the incident, you think I can design for the interwebs?!

P.S. One time, we went to LA for some doc appointments, and we didn’t take my car, so my sister left my car keys in San Diego (along with my apartment keys attached to them) and we had to stay at the Marriott (and we never let her forget it) LOL.

Also, the first time I hiked Torrey Pines with Shi years and years ago, we parked so far and we were walking for so long and I was like, “We haven’t started hiking yet?!” LOLOL.

I’m v serious about the half a dark salted caramel I allow myself once a day LOL.

I’ve dropped 30 pounds ever since my sister canceled my DoorDash membership in January, and I don’t DoorDash breakfast and dinner 5 days a week anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Does anybody want a kitten??? 😿

My sister won’t let me have a cat at her house LOL.

My dream is to have two animals (either a dog and another dog, a dog and a cat, a dog and a bunny, etc.) and for them to be best friends.

My sweet friend surprised me with a Melissa O’Neil Cameo today (our favorite actress from The Rookie!). All of Melissa’s Cameo proceeds go to the Fresno Bully Rescue where she got her dog, Herc, who recently passed, so def get one from her if you can! Thank you, Heather! 💕

See’s is everywhere in LA, and I never understood how they stayed in business until I had a Dark Scotchmallow in my thirties.

I ordered some limited edition Dark Mint Scotchmallows from their website (they were sold out for St. Patty’s Day at my local See’s), and I allow myself half a piece a day LMAO.

(FYI, I also like Dark Salted Caramels and Toffee-ettes.)

I love that even when we’re in the four corners of the world we still find time to check in (yes, LA, SD, Vegas and AZ are the four corners of my very small world.) Happy 40th birthday, bb! Thanks for all the yummy grain-free treats you’ve sent my way (even though I eat them with half a cinnamon-raisin bagel) and for teaching me how to play dominoes (even though I beat you). I will watch Physical: 100 with you (because you like K-Dramas, but I also draw the line at commentary LOL). Callie soon!

SNL stole my skeezy joke and I am deaddd 🤣

I don’t know where this line of questioning was going, but it def wasn’t going anywhere good! Ha. Some people aren’t worth the trouble…

(Is he single now though??? JK JK LOL 😬)

Excited to get some italian beef in me next weekend. Any other Chicago recs besides an underground donut tour? 😂

The day I eat a floor burrito is the day I give up on life.

Our project manager put in his notice yesterday, the other senior web designer has been out sick since last week, and my boss just went on vacation today. Everything’s fine 😅

I apologize if you knew me and my brown chola lip liner in the 90s!

Contrary to popular belief, DTF is just a dim sum place I ate at with Christine, Pammie and Jessie today.

Also, I didn’t realize that venmo automatically adds my phone contacts to my friend list, which would explain why I know that the guy I sold tickets to on craigslist in 2012 paid for his share of the wifi bill last month.

You ask for ketchup at a steakhouse once and nobody ever lets you forget it.

Luckily, my neighbors drive maseratis and porsches, so my mazda hatchback and glove compartment full of hi-chews went untouched.

What religion is this and how do I convert???

Shi thinks I’m attracted to anyone with a beard, and she ain’t wrong. Also, why is this the second convo I’ve had about 90 Day Fiancé today???

You guys, this quarantine is really domesticating us.

Also, never have I ever texted / facetimed / zoomed so much in my goddamn life. I can’t promise that this blog won’t devolve into just screenshots of me talking to people. Fair warning.

I’m one revision away from breaking some muthafuckin’ knees! Just kidding (please don’t furlough me).

I put on my brows for this happy hour, but I did not put on my pants.

I blame my love of questionable meat and going commando. Or maybe it’s just my fun, approachable vibe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Which Tiger King personality are you???

Add one of my ex’s becoming my parents’ mailman to the list of bizarre things to happen in 2020.

The last time Christine was my wingwoman, Jessie and I ended up roofied at The Waterfront! Was it her fault or the mocktails? Who really is to blame???

BRB postmates is outside with my seafood risotto.

Adding to my list of dating requirements:

– Must be born before I started high school
– Must be less sloppy than me (if only slightly)

I should really start wearing pants to bed in preparation for the big one.

I’ve been thinking about dropping Apple for months now, and when a Black Friday deal popped up for the new Google Pixel, I couldn’t pass it up. As soon as I hit ‘confirm purchase’ though, I was immediately filled with regret. Will I miss being able to airplay youtube videos to my Apple TV? How about airdropping photos from my phone to my MacBook Pro? CAN I STILL SPEAK IN EMOJIS??? I mean, how will my friends (who are 99% iPhone users) know if I’m in need of a soft pretzel? I just checked with one of my only android friends, Nori, and we were able to see each other’s emojis. Phew! Crisis averted, y’all.

NOTE TO SELF: Don’t check your group e-mail about Shi’s bachelorette party on your work computer.

I learned the hard way. Like so, so hard.

Only three things still warm this heart—dogs, cute guys and booze (in that order).

If you don’t share a brazilian waxer, are you even really friends???

File under: Things I do for my mom, along with sleeping outside an Elam’s Hallmark at Grossmont mall for beanie babies and losing my seat on a plane to get her a Starbucks mug during my layover in Phoenix.

Dinner with my main chicks (@ Sweet Chick)

My parents are livin’ la vida loca in Cancún while I’m over here trying to plan the earliest Friday night ever. What has my life come to???

It’s been a rough week with my 4th place bracket finish, Channing and Jenna’s uncoupling, and now this earthquake today.

At least I’m going to Disneyland tomorrow! Let Alicia’s birthday weekend commence 🎉

I need to make a change.

I think the bigger question is whether or not I’d be willing to let it go for someone who refers to Santa Monica as “SaMo”.

A simple thank you will suffice!

My sister went to Christmas mass while I stayed home to avoid burning for my sins wrap presents at the eleventh hour! Ha.

We all float down here (@ Reading Cinemas Grossmont Center)

I came to get scared, but I stayed for the dick jokes and NKOTB references! It was funnier and less scary than I remember the original being 27 years ago. Not gonna lie though, I still avoided eye contact with the sink drain while brushing my teeth last night.

My boss texted me this picture of my car when she went out for lunch today. This is why she gives me USB cables and portable battery chargers for Christmas. She’s also the one who bought me a fire extinguisher after I almost burned down my apartment!

Yeah, I have no idea why she hired me.

I’m sick and I have to wear pants to bed??? Ugh.

We had a sub in cardio hip hop yesterday, and now I’m wondering whether to apply ice or heat (@ Culture Shock Dance Center)

My dear friend, Christine, is officially engaged! Just a year ago, we were livin’ la vida loca in Cabo, and now she’s got a baby and a fiancé! Time moves so quickly around here. It seems like only yesterday, Christine, Jessie and I were at Blind Lady talking about the crapshoot that was the three of us, and now I’m the last one standing! The only time I’ve ever felt bad about being single is when I got into a car accident this year and had to be rescued by someone else’s husband. I was standing there at the auto shop watching them lift my car up, and my best friend’s husband was there talking to the mechanic for me, and my heart sank. Partly because they told me how much it would cost to fix my alignment, but mostly because I forgot how nice it was to have someone there to help me.

The few single friends that I have are serial daters. Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid… If there’s an app for it, they’re on it. And although I pretty much pioneered online dating 20 years ago with my first AOL boyfriend (LoL), I would still prefer to meet someone IRL. Even though most of the guys I meet in real life are assholes. My problem is that I like assholes. If Christine and that rock on her finger taught me anything, it’s that you don’t always end up with the kind of guy you’re used to being with. I definitely have a type. If they’re bearded, witty and/or an asshole, all the boxes are checked. Maybe if I go for a nice guy with a babyface who tells mediocre jokes, the outcome will be different. I guess I’ll never know since the guys my friends want to set me up with have girlfriends already! Ha.

Unsolicited fact about me: Inflatable tube dudes are one of my favorite things in the world.

This was like the time Paul Walker died, and everyone was texting me to make sure I wasn’t hanging from my shower rod (with the exception of Shi, of course, who was texting me corgi vids instead).

Rest in paradise, Prince! May you purify your soul in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Going to a rap show and staying out till 2am on a Tuesday reminded me that I’m no spring chicken anymore. I used to be able to hang on a weeknight, but now I just get hungover! So this weekend, I was happy to do lowkey adult things like apartment hunting, grocery shopping and laundry. I even woke up at an ungodly hour to shop the early bird sales. Now I can’t wait to go to sleep on my new Vera Wang sheets and mattress topper (it’ll change your life, I swear). This old lady’s ready for bed!

It took me 4 hours to drive down to San Diego for Christine’s baby shower, and I arrived with less than an hour left to partake in the taco cart. After stuffing myself with 5 tacos (the 5th one was a mistake!), I was told that the taco guy was staying an extra hour, and I didn’t need to eat all those tacos in record time.

At least the taco vendor didn’t mistake me and my food baby for the pregnant celebrant (sorry, Jessie! LOL).

Touché. I’ve always loved Justin Bieber a man with Rubik’s cube solving skillz. Add a Costco membership and I’ll likely have his babies.

I did more cleaning in the hour before Shi came over than I’ve done in the six months since she was last here! Off to Big Sur…

I downloaded the transitory app partly because of craigslist killers, but mostly because my friends go on sketchy tinder dates.

If I’ve ever slept over at your house, you’ve probably heard me gag while brushing my teeth and I’ve probably thrown up in your sink. It’s part of my charm.