I need new friends. And a new car 🙁 It’s officially totaled!

She knows me too well.

FILE UNDER: Reasons I can’t talk to you rn.

The hideousness of my hand will haunt my dreams forever!

(But at least my boobs look great.)

HOME DEPOT DUDE: So you want these cut at 22.5 inches?

ME: (showing him my measuring tape) Can you add one of these little guys?

HOME DEPOT DUDE: You mean 1/16th of an inch?

ME: Oh, is that what you call it…?

…

I never feel as stupid as I do when I’m at Home Deeps. I promise I’m, like, way smarter outside of the store (ignore my contradictory burnt toast post below).

TRADER JOE’S CASHIER: You just get out of work?

ME: Yeah, these heels are coming off as soon as I get home.

TRADER JOE’S CASHIER: I like to take my pants off right when I get home. I’m not even through the door yet, and I’m already unbuckling my belt.

…

You guys, I think I found the one <3

FILE UNDER: Reasons why we’re single.

ME ON FRIDAY:
Have fun in SF, Deane! I won’t go to Glazed Donut Bistro without you.

ME ON SATURDAY:

When my sister woke me up from my food coma to break the news of Paul Walker‘s untimely death yesterday, I thought I was dreaming. But then it became Facebook official, and everyone started texting me to make sure I wasn’t hanging from my shower rod.

On a scale of 1 to Dawson, how ugly is my cry face right now???

Happy 55th birthday to one crazy broad! At her birthday dinner last weekend, our waiter thought that my mom was my sister. He also didn’t card me when I ordered my vodka. #1 How dare you? (I have the face of a goddamn minor!) #2 I hope I look as young as my mom does when I’m in my fifties!

I love that Anthony answers my butt dials while he’s out protecting our homeland, even though I don’t answer his intended calls while I’m having a netflix marathon working! Ha.

If Anthony thought I was sleeping with someone every time I deliberately missed his calls, I would have screwed all of Manhattan Beach by now.

Either they haven’t cleaned my desk out since I left my last job (almost a year ago!), or some squatter has taken up residence underneath my old desk…

I told the bestie to tell my favorite third grader that it’s easy to get confused… sometimes I have a little bit of both in me 😉 Ha! Just kidding (I’ve never have Chinese in me).

…or how I wake up my coworker when we have to work on a Saturday.

When my mom texts me to call her ASAP, I expect there to be some kind of emergency. Like my grandma is back in the hospital. Or there’s a new episode of Scandal on that night and her DVR isn’t working again. Yes, she considers that an emergency. And yes, I inherited her flair for the dramatic, obviously.

She just wanted to make sure that I got her earlier text to stop by Porto’s and bring home a dozen potato balls when I visit SD this weekend. I meannn. She also thinks that since I live in LA, I’m close to everything in LA. It will probably take me an hour to get to Porto’s after work on a Friday night! She’s lucky I love potato balls her.

These are obviously in order from least to most important.

After working twelve hours of overtime yesterday, I deliriously spent the rest of my night listening to the new Strokes album and watching pole dancing videos on YouTube with this clown.

I REGRET NOTHING.

I need new friends. Preferably with lower triglyceride levels and more years to share.

This is pretty much how the rest of my day went.

BRB winning at life.

Um, of course my #choking playlist has Young the Giant on it… as does my workout playlist and my baby makin’ playlist. Just kidding. (I don’t have a workout playlist.)

I’m horrible at returning messages… I currently have 403 unread emails in my inbox! If it seems like I’m ignoring you, I probably haven’t gotten to your email yet. (But if your name is Anthony, I’m really just ignoring you.)

Chatting with you is the only thing I’m going to miss about work! It puts a smile on my face when you send me nick@nite texts and pictures of your 22″ hot dog, so try not to forget about me after I blow this popsicle stand!

Oh my glob, you guys!

You know I’m moving, not dying, right? Ha. I’m only going to be a couple hours away. Besides, I have a year’s worth of free Nothing Bundt Cake bundlets to claim from their Mission Valley store, so you know I’ll be down in SD at least once a month (if you thought I was leaving my voucher with one of you clowns, you were mistaken!).

You know things are bad when you start to consider the conductor of a park train and your friends are encouraging that shit!

Your sunshine is as blinding as ever, Shirley May.

Apparently, I’ve agreed to hike up Mount Woodson at an unholy hour on my day off tomorrow! I don’t even know who I am anymore…

We’re pretty much the coolest people I know.

I’ve had to choose between sleeping and reading these past few nights, and the latter always prevails.

That awkward moment when you realize you were listening to Taylor Swift when your private session timed out on Spotify.

All that I know is I don’t know how to be someone you miss

Last night’s happy hour turned into eight hours of sangria swirl margaritas at La Puerta, sake snow cones at Gaijin, beers at Blind Lady Ale House, and vodka at The Ould Sod.

I def won’t be drinking tonight… or maybe ever again.

Justin Bieber – Boyfriend
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Justin Bieber – Boyfriend.mp3]

Oh, sweet jesus… there’s a video.

Sometimes I feel bad for Jesse because he’s one of the only dudes in the office… but then I remember that he gets to work with me, and I don’t feel bad for him anymore! Ha 😉

Or… Belle, Jesse and me at happy hour last night.

Is it weird that I have half a baguette in my tote bag right now?

The Perishers – Sway
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/The Perishers – Sway.mp3]

Not only did I receive a reminder from Anthropologie that I’m turning thirty next month, but I also got stuck with a “family” frame (for the husband and kids I don’t have) at the white elephant gift exchange at my office today.

If only I had picked the booze that Jesse brought so I could drown my sorrows.

Some days, we only speak in movie quotes.

Can’t a girl have options???

JESSIE: Your turn, Mayan!
SHI: You’re having another sake bomb?
CHRISTINE: She’s had a rough week!
SHI: It’s only TUESDAY!

There’s an indirect correlation between the amount of work I get done and the number of gchats I have going at any given time. Today is Friday so… you do the math.

I watched this at work and cried silently at my desk. Just kidding. I was sobbing pretty loudly.

SHI: we were gchatting for five minutes and then he told me he had just gotten out of the shower and was butt naked the whole time he was talking to me!
ME: i mean, put some clothes on and then check your email! why was he gchatting naked?
SHI: i don’t know, why do you curl your hair naked?
ME: i hate you

And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love Mexicans 24 year olds Mark Sanchez.

I won’t be able to make it, but there’s a “Party in Pink” zumbathon this weekend that benefits Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Research! Details here if you want to join the party. Dancer’s body optional.

Shit is about to get real up in here. I’m either going to cut a bitch or take my pants off.

Anytime I don’t feel Asian enough, I have dinner at Crab Hut followed by boba next door at Tapioca Express.

So… every weekend.

There was no doubt that I woke up in a dude’s apartment this morning. Thirty or so empty craft brew bottles lined the mantle behind me. There was an outdoor patio set in the dining room, complete with a hole in the table for the absent umbrella. And to top it all off, my friend’s roommate offered me packets of ketchup to eat for breakfast. Ha! At least he made me coffee first.

Jesse and I agreed that if it wasn’t for my vagina, we’d have a serious bromance going on.

me: i need a serious eyebrow waxing
pammie: you tell me you need something serious every time i see you
a serious eyebrow waxing
a serious hair cut
a serious cheeseburger
(looks at my eyebrows)
ooh. you DO need a serious eyebrow waxing.
me: seriously, right?

Yes, I got Jason Statham confused with Chandler Bing. And yes, this pretty much sums up what the rest of my day at work looked like.

Shi: I like this new Salvador film for the Hipstamatic app
me: (looking at her iPhone) Ooh. Like Salvador Dali.
Shi: Who?
me: Salvador Dali. The artist? That’s his mustache.
Shi: I don’t know who that is… I thought it was a bathing suit top!

Killing me, smalls.

In related news, Jesse is officially forgiven for writing this love note on my car:

Me: they’re in for a serious rude awakening at the weigh-in tomorrow
Pammie: they’re gonna rue the day they met us bitches! rue!

Between the two of us, Pammie and I have lost over 25* pounds in this @MindzAlike #BLC so far! We don’t fuck around.

Six weeks to catch up, suckas.

*Update – 3/20/2011: 30 pounds now 😉 What a difference a two-a-day can make…

I’m not gonna lie—my ass is pretty crucial.

My friend Rome once told me that I had an onion booty, and if he bit it, he would cry.

It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Jesse: hipster alert
Me: what’s she wearing?
Jesse: all black. rivers cuomo glasses.
Me: wait, are you talking about me or the girl who’s here for the interview???

Errol: our boxing coach puts a 20 pound medicine ball on your lower back so you don’t put your butt up when you’re doing planks
Me: dude i totally put my butt up when it gets hard
Errol: that’s what she said!

I got my sexy new monitor at work today:

Jesse: all the girls were gushing when belle & jen got their flowers & balloons & shit
Me: oh for fuck’s sake… good thing i was off on monday
Jesse: it was pretty barftastic… not that we’re bitter or anything
Me: pfffft. who needs a man when i have 27″ right here in my face?

Is this where I’m going to die?

I’m pretty sure Arlene tried to kill us last night.

Slowly but Shirley via email:

Hi love… I saw this pic and thought of you. Since you were all about those upside down animals in your blog. And this dog TOTALLY reminded me of you. I mean… how many times have I seen you in this position anyway? In your short shorts that might as well be underwear!? Hahhaha =)

#1 How dare you? Shorts, by definition, are short! It’s in the name.
#2 I’m totally in this position right now as I type this in my underwear.

This really did cheer me up today 🙂 Thanks, babeway ♥

I always thought I inherited my winning personality from my crazy mom, but now I’m not so sure.

Working with people who get my pop culture references is the only thing that helps me keep my sanity—especially on days like this when I have to finish four newsletters and three homepage banners in one week because this Monday is a holiday, and deadlines don’t care about your scheduled days off (even if they’re unpaid).

Pammie, Shi, Anthony and I went to Chel’s house last night to help her with wedding stuff. Chel asked me to design her wedding invitations, and I couldn’t be more honored 🙂 She has 300 guests and is trying to keep the wedding costs down. It’s a good thing I work for lychee sake and tator tots.

The Cake Boss asked me to go out to some bar my friends were spinning at, McLovin’ texted me at an unholy hour, and I even had a brief exchange with Il Postino last night. When it rains, it pours I guess. There’s no where in the world I’d rather be than with these crazy bitches, though. God forbid I miss conversations like this…

Anthony: I was texting Chel about your website, and she got really annoyed because I kept calling it your “page”…
Chel: It’s called a blog. Stop calling it that.
Anthony: Whatever, I’ll call it her pagina if I want to.
Chel: Oh, is that what you were calling it? Page in spanish? All this time I thought you were texting me pagina. Like vagina with a p!

Le’sigh… Never a dull moment 🙂

(image via ffffound)

Jesse: You’re such a dork
mayanrocks: says the guy with the cheese wax pyramid on his desk!
Jesse: Hey, that’s artistry you philistine!
Jesse: I need to buy more yellow Babybels to accent the sides
mayanrocks: …
Jesse: God, I’m such a dork

Anthony: So I was talking to this guy I know who went to your high school…
mayanrocks: What’s his name?
Anthony: He’s just some Mexican guy. Anyway, I asked him if he knew you and he said no, so I asked him if he knew Pam and he said that he did. I told him that you were Pam’s sister and he said, "Wait… Does Pam’s sister have really big boobs?"
mayanrocks: Seriously WTF! Who is he?
Anthony: You don’t need to know his name. Just know that you have really big boobs.

Because I didn’t know that before??? Thanks for nothing, Antho. I love that people don’t remember my name, but they remember my breasts. Eyes up, boys.

Shi: How do you like your eggs?
mayanrocks: in a poke
Shi: Of course you do!
mayanrocks: egg in a poke is an egg fried in the middle of bread, cochina
Shi: I thought it was something else… Everything’s always gotta be nasty with you!

Ask Mayan about her banana bread.

Even though Jay made me tell this story six times in one night, I thought I would post this on the interwebs, so it never has to be repeated again!

Okay so I decided to bake some banana nut bread the day before everyone came over for ABDC night.. Have you ever had my banana nut bread? It fixes things in the universe FYI. I had enough batter for two loaves and only one pan, so I had to bake them one at a time…

The first one came out perfecto, but the second one… not so much:

I put it in the oven, fell asleep, and woke up the next day. True story. I have the petrified loaf in my cupboard to prove it. I was going to throw it away, but Jay insisted I save it so that I could look at it every now and then to remind myself that I’m not that cool.

Don’t think it was a mistake that I moved into the unit nearest to the only fire extinguisher in my apartment building.

mayanrocks: I can’t believe I did that. Can you believe it???
Chel: Actually… I can believe it.

Sad times.

EO: just know mayan
EO: you are a GEM
EO: like so super rare
EO: that when that guy finds you
EO: he’ll feel like he struck gold
EO: it’s puzzling to me
EO: how he could fuck up a great thing
EO: you be you
EO: you’re fan-fuckin-tabulous… know that also
EO: like i dont know anyone else that plays poker… and when it’s their turn… instead of saying “call”… they say “queen-jack!”
EO: lol!
mayanrocks: oh hell no

Eric: I saw a movie this weekend that I think you’d really like.
mayanrocks: yeah? which one…
Eric: Moolade
mayanrocks: i do like cows. and lemonade. is that what it’s about?
Eric: Sort of. It’s a manifesto against the genital mutilation of girls in Africa.
mayanrocks: ok what.

…

Apparently, I’m putting some kind of vibe out there that makes people think I’d enjoy the mutilation of African genitals.