(via @alexsampson)

The stroke altered my speech. I used to see a speech therapist, but it wasn’t covered by insurance, and the weekly sessions were costing me hundreds of dollars, so I only went for a few months.

Even though my team worked from home after the pandemic when I lived in LA, my work bestie still had to go into the office every day. She drove all the way from OC, and the office was just a couple miles from my apartment, so I’d have lunch with her almost daily. It gave me a reason to get out of my house everyday, and was also good for my speech development bc it helped to have conversations. She would ask me all the time, ‘Did you do your tongue exercises today?’ bc I obviously wasn’t doing them (apparently, my aversion to exercise extends to the speech kind as well LOL).

Now that I’m back in SD and still working from home, there are spans of days that I don’t speak. Of course I chat with my coworkers over Slack on the daily, but I mean talk out loud. I don’t ever have meetings or anything. I’ve noticed that when I do talk to people now, whether I’m in the elevator with neighbors when picking up a package from the parcel locker in the lobby, or trying to tell a story to friends or family that I’m visiting over the weekend, that my speech is regressing a little.

Before the stroke, I remember being at a John Mayer concert (by myself, of course LOL), and there was this beautiful moment during Stop This Train where the crowd sang a part of the song in perfect harmony.

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s movin in
I know I can’t, ’cause now I see
I’ll never stop this train

I had bought a single ticket, and I remember the guy standing next to me who had also bought a single ticket looking at me afterwards with eyes as big as saucers like, ‘Did that just happen?’

I still go to concerts, but I don’t sing out loud anymore post-stroke. You guys, I used to have a beautiful voice. I was in show choir in high school before it was cool (just kidding – it was always cool! 🤪). I have the nude character shoes and sequined costumes to prove it. And I’m sure there’s a VHS tape floating around somewhere of me singing Edwin McCain’s I’ll Be in my high school gym.

After the stroke, my singing voice sounds something more akin to this:

(via @strongarmtara)

Just kidding (I sound much worse).

All that to say, after the stroke, I just accepted that this is what I sound like now. But I’ve seen incredible videos of deaf people who speak as if they’re not deaf bc they practiced sounding ‘normal’. So that is my new goal – Keep practicing until I sound closer to how I used to. I find myself biting my tongue a lot, even when I have an anecdote to share, bc I’m embarrassed about how my voice sounds.

I was recently telling Shi that I remember being on a long drive with my ex and I was talking the entire time. By the end of the ride, I noticed I was the only one talking, and I was like, ‘How come you haven’t said anything?’ and he replied, ‘Well, I couldn’t get a word in.’

My bad for being so engaging and such a fucking delight to be around!