Private acoustic show with Imagine Dragons at The Griffin last night! Thanks, Jessie ♥

More videos here.

heartworm, n.
a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

Smolderhalder and one of the free Fifty Shades pins they were giving out at Comic Con!

The net worth of that pin just went up. A lot.

I’m doing it wrong.

I took a shotgun trip to Vegas this past weekend with my sister and her fiance to finalize plans for their wedding this November. I’m going to be the best maid of honor ever! Or at least the sexiest one… I’ll work that angle 😉 Ha.

Let the wedding workout regimen commence!

@ ‘Lette Macarons in Newport Beach!

(Somebody’s getting just as stupid about macarons as Shirley May is.)

You know things are bad when you start to consider the conductor of a park train and your friends are encouraging that shit!

Chel‘s parties are always pinterest-worthy, and Darien’s first birthday was no exception! Old Poway Park is an awesome place to have a kid’s birthday party (preferably if your kid was born between the months of October and May—I was sweating like a whore in church!).

Here’s a baseball-themed birthday invitation I designed for my favorite little slugger ♥

More from my design portfolio here.

Thrillist describes the Douche Burger as “a $666 edible fiscal disaster that piles caviar, lobster & truffles on top of a foie-stuffed, gold-leaf-wrapped Kobe patty, smothers it with Gruyere melted with Champagne steam, and finishes it off with BBQ sauce made using Kopi Luwak coffee that’s passed through the digestive tract of the Asian Palm Civet.”

Do five other people want to go in on one of these??? Also, this image from 666 Burger’s facebook page looks like the first thing I created in Photoshop 4.0 circa 1996:

If you’re tired of starting over, stop giving up.

I stole this idea from Pinterest to put a dollar in a jar every time you go to the gym as an incentive to work out more. I picked one up from Ikea a week and a half ago, and it’s still empty! Although now that I think about it, I should really put $5 in it for every hour I was hiking that god awful mountain last Sunday.

I feel like I’m always losing the same ten pounds, because I do really well for a good chunk of time (usually around 8 weeks and when $407 is at stake—I’m just throwing random numbers out there). But soon after I remember how much I love food and hate exercising. I have yet to find a balance between the two.

A friend once told me, “I don’t live to eat. I eat to live.” At least I think that’s what he said… I could barely hear him over the crunching in my mouth as I polished off my carne asada chips! Ha.

All or nothing was bullshit. It never worked out that way. Life was all about taking what you could get when you could get it and surviving when it wasn’t enough.

Exercise in the morning before your body knows what it’s doing.

Oh, my body knew damn well what it was doing.

I said the last time was the last time, and I’d never go back… yet there I was, at an unholy hour on a Sunday, back at Mount Woodson with Shi and Pammie!

I’m pretty sure the sun tried to kill us all today. Worst five hours EVAR!

Armed with my Les Petits Macarons cookbook, Shi and I trolled the grocery store and soon realized that the Vons in Santee doesn’t carry the necessary accoutrements for such parisian delights! We gave up and bought some already made macarons from The Living Room instead. Boo whore.

There is a hell, and it’s the Via de la Valle off ramp during fair season! It took us four hours to get to the fair last night, but the deep fried deliciousness and freakishly large turkey legs that put me in a food coma made it worth the drive!

My Girl Scout Cookie Locator app has met its match.
Take me to your leader maple bacon donuts!

Walk the Moon – Fixin’

Are you fixin’ to come with me?
Are you fixin’ to fix me?

Happy 1st birthday to my favorite chumbawamba!
Your Jim Halpert impression is flawless, kid ♥

Young the Giant has been on constant rotation in my car for over a year now. I’m not particularly proud of it (that’s a lie). And I want you to know, it ends right here (also a lie).

On the drive to work this morning, I tried listening to the radio for a change. While flipping through stations, I heard songs by P.M. Dawn, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Mary J. Blige, TLC… Is it 1992? Am I back in the fifth grade? Did I just leave a note in David Krzywicki’s desk telling him that I think he’s cute???

If I wanted to hear 90s music, I’d listen to Shi’s “current” playlist! Ha.

P.M. Dawn – Set Adrift On Memory Bliss

Free bundtlets for a year from Nothing Bundt Cakes???

Now I don’t have to go in there and pretend I’m buying a cake for someone else anymore. Or birthday candles to corroborate my lies. I mean what. I don’t do that.

And I want you
I want you
I still do

Mark Duplass – Big Machine (Acoustic Version)
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Mark Duplass – Big Machine (Acoustic Version).mp3]

Maybe I’m wrong and all that you get is what you see
Maybe I’m right and there’s something out there to believe

It’ll change your life, I swear.

One of the few designer accessories I’ll splurge on is my glasses—partly because I wear them 24/7 (even in the shower if there’s a spider in the bathroom… yikes!), but mostly because the last time I got my eyes checked may or may not have been during the Clinton regime. Clearly, I need quality that lasts.

Nobody needs a Marc by Marc Jacobs laptop case. Or iPhone wristlet. Or tablet case. But I’ve been eyeballing them all day today, and I’ve decided that I can’t live without them!

Maybe if I had used protection sooner, a binder clip wouldn’t be holding my Macbook Pro together right now.

ROBIN: She’s got you on the hook.
TED: What? I’m not on the hook.
ROBIN: Ted, “right now” is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase.
MARSHALL: Yup. “Right now” paints a picture of some sort of magical future time when everything will work out, but the truth is, that will never happen.
ROBIN: You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around—it’s a nice little ego boost. She’s stringing you along. She’s not committing to you, but she’s keeping you around just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.

Um, who’s buying canned chili and not eating it immediately???

When my friend suggested dinner at D Bar, I had no idea it was owned by Keegan Gerhard from The Food Network… that is, until he came up to our table at the end of the meal and asked if something was wrong with Chel’s half eaten dish! While their chicken and waffle sandwich was nothing to write home about, I thoroughly enjoyed everything else I put in my mouth last night—including the food at D Bar 😉 Ha! I wanted their shrimp poppers to have my babies, and I thought that their lobster mac & cheese tasted infinitely better than the crab mac from Lei Lounge. Had I known this place was owned by one of the top ten pastry chefs in America, I would have saved room for dessert! I will def be back for dessert and drinks, especially since Keegan was so sweet to us and graciously comp’d Chel’s food.

I can barely move my arms after working out with Jesse. I have blisters on my feet from yesterday’s hike with Shi. And while I wore pants, a long-sleeved shirt and a hat to protect my skin, the small area of my chest that was exposed got sunburned.

I think my body is rejecting me.

That 4-hour hike up Mount Woodson was brutal, but I somehow made it to the top and back down again with a little determination and a lot of blood in my shoes.

Your sunshine is as blinding as ever, Shirley May.

Apparently, I’ve agreed to hike up Mount Woodson at an unholy hour on my day off tomorrow! I don’t even know who I am anymore…

Fuck, can I get pregnant from this???

When Jesse told me that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but if I did, I’d be sore in the morning, this was not how I expected to spend my evening! Ha.

And so there I was at the gym with him after work today, in two sports bras and a ponytail with my glasses securely bobby-pinned to my head. Hard to resist, I know, but somehow he managed!

Thanks for working me out and not pretending you didn’t know me when I nearly broke the tricep dip machine! I meannn. I’ll try to be less embarrassing next time!

Milo Ventimiglia—a founding member of my freebie five—is suiting up as a mob lawyer in Frank Darabont’s new TNT drama, L.A. Noir.

Barnito Supreme speaks the truth.

New prints are up in my Etsy shop!

We’re pretty much the coolest people I know.

Happy 30th birthday to the dirtiest sanchez I know!

Welcome to the club, old whore ♥

This would have been useful when I burned my thigh on my laptop. Or when my curling iron rolled off the bathroom counter and I tried to catch it with my vagina.

I really should start wearing pants around hot surfaces.

My summer soundtrack ♥

Update (6/9): For those of you who asked—and by ‘those of you’ I mean ANTHONY, and by ‘asked’ I mean demanded—you can download all the songs from this playlist here. Enjoy, my lovelies!

Loved this book in highschool.
Love the Imagine Dragons song in the trailer.
Can’t wait to see the movie!

Christine, Jessie and I got naked and famous at SPF 94/9 in Oceanside last night!

I was too busy shaking my sandy parts to record anything during Santigold, but she was def the highlight of my night! Here’s a vid of her performing in the OC:

Imagine Dragons – Demons
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Imagine Dragons – Demons.mp3]

They say it’s what you make
I say it’s up to fate
It’s woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Mel has been working on the MTV Movie Awards all week and was able to get me and Shi into an advance screening of Magic Mike plus Q&A with Channing Tatum in LA last night!

I. CAN’T. EVEN.

More photos here.

You can’t save a damsel if she loves her distress…

Firecrackers in the east, my car parked south
Your hands on my cheeks, your shoulder in my mouth
I was up against the wall on the west mezzanine
We rattle this town, we rattle this scene
Oh, Anna Sun

Last night, I did two things I haven’t done in a long time—I went to happy hour with Kelley (who I haven’t seen in four years!), and I ate solid foods.

It was glorious.

Someone at the bar thought I was 21 (bless their heart) and told me that I had beautiful skin! My inner goddess swayed in a gentle victorious samba. Clearly, I’ve been reading too much Fifty Shades.

Kraft + mustard business cards for my favorite photographer, Raechel Denise!

More from my design portfolio here.

I love me some graphic novels! And I’m not talking about the kind with pictures 😉 Ha.

I read the entire Fifty Shades trilogy in three days, and I don’t know what to do with myself now. I have a weakness for the brooding, sadistic type (don’t judge me!), so if anyone has any book suggestions (or knows any actual brooding sadists haha), then send those bad boys my way!

I’ve had to choose between sleeping and reading these past few nights, and the latter always prevails.

I was roped into participating in an office juice cleanse. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and it kind of feels like the first day of school. Minus the fact that you get to eat solid foods that day. I’m pretty sure we’re all going to hate each other by EOD.

I read Fifty Shades of Grey almost immediately after I heard that Ian Somerhalder—a permanent resident in my freebie five—might play the lead in the film adaptation. Also, the mention of a ‘sex chamber’ may or may not have swayed my decision.

My ovaries would explode if any of these guys got picked to play Christian Grey (left to right: Ian Somerhalder, Wes Bentley, Matt Bomer):

Clearly, I have a type!

I finished reading it in less than 24 hours. Never has a book left me so satiated… It’s so jaw-droppingly sexy that I’m not sure how they’re going to make it a movie without it being illegal in some small countries!

I wish my friends would read it already so I could have someone to discuss it with. This must be how those b’s felt about me and Breaking Dawn—I’ve been trying to finish the last book of the Twilight saga since 2008, but all my attempts to read it end with me throwing it across the room in hysterics.

On to Fifty Shades Darker! Laters, baby 😉

Most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.

When I woke up to the smell of bacon this morning, I was thrilled—until I realized it was the smell of my thigh burning.

I fell asleep with my laptop on my bed last night, and Macbook Pros are notorious for running ridiculously hot. But since I’m a heavy sleeper who needs three alarms to wake up, I didn’t even flinch when the power adapter came in contact with my bare thigh and gave me a crazy second-degree burn! It’s pretty gnarly, and I can’t wear pants for the next week or so.

Oh, well. I don’t like wearing pants anyway.

Pammie and I made these maple bacon donut holes for her fiance’s birthday tomorrow!

Pinterest is slowly domesticating me, one recipe at a time…

I get that a lot.

I’m probably not going to reblog New Girl gifs for the rest of the night. But also… I might. 

They just aired the season finale of New Girl. Let the ugly crying commence!

That awkward moment when you realize you were listening to Taylor Swift when your private session timed out on Spotify.

All that I know is I don’t know how to be someone you miss

I went outside to grab something from my car when some creeper who works a few warehouses down tried to hit on me. He said that he has seen me around and has been meaning to introduce himself, all while staring at my chest! I hadn’t had any coffee yet, and I was not in the mood to be ogled. I told him I needed to get back to work, and he told my chest to come visit him anytime. Ugh. I truly wonder if he felt that went well.

I’m going to file this encounter under ‘reasons I need a new job,’ along with having to buy dental groupons because my work doesn’t provide basic dental insurance.

RUSSELL: Look, Jess, I’ve already done the crazy, explosive passion thing. When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper… I’m not looking for that anymore.
JESS: I understand. But I am. And I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.

I made these portobello pizza bites, and they were so good that I almost forgot that I ruined my Calphalon pan broiling these bad boys. Almost.

Camisole (China Glaze) + Only Gold For Me (Sephora by OPI)

I’m obsessed with this top coat!

I was totally prepared to go home and google a youtube tutorial on how to change the dead bulb in my headlight, but the guy at O’Reilly Auto Parts went above and beyond and fixed it for me. I thought he offered to help me because I went there straight from the gym and my ass looks phenomenal in yoga pants, but after reading their yelp reviews, it sounds like it’s customary for them to go out of their way to help! Ha. Especially when a clueless girl comes in and says, “My headlight went out in my Matrix… Do you think I need, like, a light bulb or something?”

I designed this simple save the date for my dear friend Trace and her fiancé Gary ♥

More from my design portfolio here.

Dat F sharp.

I baked these cookie dough brownies for my boss’ baby shower at work today. I don’t plan on eating any of them, but I’m sure I gained 3 pounds just thinking about it.

Also, I’m skipping the gym tonight. This has nothing and everything to do with brownies, but I mostly just wanted to get that off my chest.

Sandwiches and sex? I want that.

Nick Miller is my soulmate.

Is it just me, or does everyone else’s room get a little dusty whenever they watch google chrome commercials?

Considering I just spent 100% of my weekend being a fatass, spending 4% of my day at the gym was a small price to pay! Now excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep out of hunger. I didn’t get my ass handed to me during kickboxing for nothing!

A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women. It’s not the guy who determines whether you’re a sports fish or a keeper—it’s you. Every word you say, every move you make, every signal you give to a man will help him determine whether he should try to play you, be straight with you, or move on to the next woman to do a little more sport fishing.

Mr. Hightower speaks an insane amount of truth.

I have found my new spiritual leader. Teach me your ways, oh wise one.

My ex invited me to his birthday party next weekend where he plans to resurrect the infamous rocket. I’m pretty sure I left my beer bonging days where I left my ex-boyfriend… in 2005 where they belong!

The Dear Hunter – Home
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/10-the_dear_hunter-home.mp3]

I was listening to FM 94/9 broadcast live from Coachella on the drive home from work today when I heard The Dear Hunter for the first time and thought… why am I not at Coachella again???

I think it’s partly because I thought Outside Lands would have a similar lineup, but mostly because I don’t like camping outdoors and not showering for three days.

Hotel next year, anyone?

I’ve eased up on the concerts lately to save money for that trip to Outside Lands! Now that I’m not going anymore, I regret not buying tickets to see Jason Mraz & Christina Perri. They still have tickets available, but none of them are in the pit!

There are two things you should know about me:

1. I don’t do nosebleeds.
2. I always find a way to score awesome seats. Even if I have to sleep outside a Ritmo Latino to get them. Just kidding. I haven’t done that since I was 17.

Christina Perri feat. Jason Mraz – Distance

How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And I keep waiting…

After Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza and Coachella announced similar (amazing!) lineups, I was sure Outside Lands would follow suit. Never have twelve syllables hurt me so much to say, but NOT EVEN YOUNG THE GIANT COULD SAVE THIS LINEUP! I should have went to Coachella. At least I would have seen Radiohead. And Tupac’s hologram. Boo whore.

In other news, Incubus and Linkin Park are touring together, and their last show is here in SD! My 19-year-old self is punching the air in excitement.

Today, I got off Pinterest long enough to actually make this Spicy Shrimp Fried Rice recipe that I pinned, and I managed to do it without burning the house down!

I don’t even know who I am right now.

Last night’s happy hour turned into eight hours of sangria swirl margaritas at La Puerta, sake snow cones at Gaijin, beers at Blind Lady Ale House, and vodka at The Ould Sod.

I def won’t be drinking tonight… or maybe ever again.

…although it’s questionable how publicly acceptable I look when I’m not at home!

Apparently, while I’m at work gchatting with my friends (which is frequently—unless my boss is reading this, in which case it’s occasionally and only on nights and weekends), they’re at home wearing mascara while I’m out in public without a stitch of makeup on.

God forbid I run into the love of my life at Starbucks while wearing my yoga pants that, if we’re being honest, have never been worn to yoga.

Adam Levine’s supermodel girlfriend dumped him and his delicious beard ten days ago, and I’m just finding out about it now???

Clearly, I’m following the wrong people on Twitter.

I may or may not have followed this guy home after work today.

Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.

Via Slowly, But Shirley:

He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. About how you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I guess he had never felt that way with my mom, even at their best. There’s usually a scene in all my favorite shows that never fails to get me all choked up… like this scene from The Office where they explain how Jim’s feelings about Pam is what caused Pam’s dad to decide to leave her mom. Sometimes getting a taste of how things should be makes you realize you’re in the wrong place…

I wanted to have red puffy paint blood dripping from the easter eggs, but I thought the bloody zombie bunny was morbid enough for my favorite 8-year-old. Maybe next year.

Christ promised a resurrection of the dead. I just thought he had something different in mind.

Quote of the night:

Nobody needs to see your belly button trail, happy or sad!

I finally had dinner with my favorite b’s last night! It’s so hard to get everyone together when we’re all so busy planning imaginary weddings on pinterest taking care of babies, studying for CPA exams, training for marathons, playing soccer, and testing “social experiments” 😉 Some of us don’t even have time to shower! LOL!

I usually try to go hard on my days off, but I just ended up going to the DMV, having brunch at The Mission, playing with my favorite frenchie, and calling it a night at 9:30. What has my life come to?

DAVE: You might not meet not somebody tonight, but you will meet someone.
PENNY: You promise?
DAVE: Yes… as long as you promise to stop slobbering all over the champagne.
PENNY: I can’t promise that.

This pretty much sums up my summer plans.

Justin Bieber – Boyfriend
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Justin Bieber – Boyfriend.mp3]

Half of my facebook friends announced their pregnancies today.

Way to steal my thunder, bitches.

Why else would I be working out on a Sunday morning?

I’m so happy that all my friends are getting married this year, I’m not even jealous. Except for at night when I’m in my closet eating ice cream alone.

I’m screwed.

It’s hard to binge drink and still mind your calories. I was hoping that Skinnygirl Margarita would bridge that divide, but I’m pretty sure it was made to test my gag reflex!

Alex Kerkovich is officially living my life.

GPOY.

I instantly regret wearing jeans instead of leggings to work today. How can I stuff my face with Phil’s BBQ when my clothes are so binding?

This is pretty much how I approach telling someone that we can never be together.

Fuck, I love me some Seneca Crane. Any chance those were non-toxic berries at the end of the movie?

Is it 5 o’clock yet?

My calves burn with the fire of a thousand suns after this beach hike with the girls, but it was worth it to hang out with this baby pancake ♥

Quote of the day:

What are you supposed to wear to this kind of thing?

Chel hasn’t worked out since before she was preggo, but she’s still skinnier than the rest of us! Boo whore.

Million dollar margaritas with Trace last night! Happy birthday and happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor 🙂

Oh, sweet jesus… there’s a video.

Glass Pear – Eyes Wide Open
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Glass Pear – Eyes Wide Open.mp3]

Don’t you, don’t you let go
Tell me it’s not too late

I rarely get my hair cut, and the last time I dyed my hair was when I wore brown chola lip liner in the 90s. Since then, I’ve come to the realization that I’m not, in fact, a chola, and I’ve kept my hair naturally dark, long and boring for the past decade.

I recently designed business cards for Trace, and she offered to cut and color my hair for free! I’m long overdue for a change. And since I can’t afford to buy a jaguar like Anthony did to signify change after his breakup, a free hair cut will have to suffice! Ha.

My Instagram feed exposes my obvious love of booze, fine dining, and other people’s babies.

ROBIN: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn’t exist. It just… ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be—

TED: Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that’s not usually how it goes. Most of the time it’s just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be…

Sometimes I feel bad for Jesse because he’s one of the only dudes in the office… but then I remember that he gets to work with me, and I don’t feel bad for him anymore! Ha 😉

St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t usually register as a blip on my radar, so I intended on having a low key movie night instead… which turned into beers with Shi and Anthony at Tiger! Tiger!… followed by house margaritas at my house… followed by me waking up on my bathroom floor (not pictured). So… just another Saturday.

I’ve got such a boner for this limited edition of Scrabble Typography. Does the thought of getting a triple word score using multiple fonts make anyone else’s heart race? Also, what’s wrong with me?

Some friends of mine are running this zombie infested 5K obstacle course race. I’ve done 5Ks before, but this pretty much sounds like the makings of my worst nightmare!

In related news, I’m all caught up with The Walking Dead. What am I supposed to do now?

I found this nipple cream in my car today and thought it might be mine until I read “sore, cracked nursing nipples” on the label! Ha. This is what happens when your friends have babies!

Christine and the birthday girl before she got kicked out of El Camino last night! Happy birthday, Jessie!

Happy 29th birthday, Gus (that’s short for “Me gusta Jess!”). Enjoy your last year in your twenties! After this, it’s all darkness. Ha!

Or… Belle, Jesse and me at happy hour last night.

Black Onyx (OPI) + Only Gold For Me (Sephora by OPI)

Don’t let the fancy nails fool you. I’m wearing yoga pants and my I ♥ Haters shirt in this photo.